Watermug

Have you ever tried to drink 3 liter of water in a day? And did you succeed? If the answer is "Yes" then you must be made of sponge.

I've never really liked to drink water. Like come on - it's not sweet or anything! I hate pure water so much that a few years ago, when I started to follow a diet created by a nutrition expert, I seriously asked him, "Can I add 50% of fruit juice to my water?". Seems quite ridiculous now. Back then, when I was seriously thirsty on a hot summer noon and I took a glass of water, I was only able to drink half of it at most. Plain water just tasted absolutely disgusting. It is supposed to have no taste but I just couldn't drink it.

Just as a dietary goal I started to force myself to drink water. After a while I had a breakthrough. I was thirsty all the time. I had a bottle of water beside me during lectures because otherwise my throat would get so dry I couldn't concentrate anymore. Actually I never was good at concentrating. I have to write down random phrases from the lecture just to keep myself from thinking, "I wonder why blackboards are green. Why do they call them blackboards anyway? When I had to wash the blackboard in school it never was as clean as this one. I wonder how they cleaned it...". Once I manage to pull myself away from ten ways to clean a blackboard, I suddenly realize I've missed much of the lecture. But without my water I was only able to think about how horribly thirsty I felt. Mhh, if you're reading this blog then you already know that my mind has a tendency to get side-tracked ever so often.

I still don't like water, I just need to drink it. When I don't force myself I only drink about a liter of water each day. That would be a nice amount if I wasn't breastfeeding but now I'm supposed to drink 3 liters of water daily. Even after years or training myself to drink water three liters is still an enormous amount of water. For a while I wrote down how much water I've drank just to remind myself to drink very often. Usually I had about 1.5 liters and then I goggled down another half a liter just before I went to bed. Drinking before bedtime - ingenious, isn't it?

I think I've managed to drink 3 liters only once or twice in the last few months. I truly felt like a water balloon. I hadn't realized 3 liters is such a big amount. When you're thirsty you probably drink about half a glass of water like most people just to wet your mouth. Imagine doing that 30 times each day! 3 liters is 15 glasses of water. That's one glass for every hour spent awake. When I started I thought it only takes a few seconds to drink that glass of water and there are sooooooo many seconds in each hour. It can't be too hard to drink enough water. And still I often realize in the afternoon that I've drank less than half a liter of water. It just takes so much effort to fill my glass so often during the day.

Okey, truthfully, it doesn't HAVE TO be water. I like drinking root beer, so perhaps I could just drink that in stead. 100g of root beer has 30 calories, which means 3 liters of root beer has 900 kcal, which is almost half of my daily recommended calorie intake. I'd rather drink water and eat that much chocolate.

Now I have a new confidence that I will be able to drink more water. Today I bought new 500ml beer mugs with a measure mark. It's brilliant. I just have to drink 2 mugs of water every morning, afternoon and evening. How hard can it be, right?

Rattle Time

I don't know when it happened but baby is suddenly so skilled and wise. Like really! Somewhere between crossing that magical 3-month line and becoming 3 and a half months old, baby learned to hold toys, make first attempts to crawl and to show real emotions. Her crying is no longer random "OMG I have no idea what is going on so I might as well cry!!!". Her crying is now more like, "I'm tired and bored and I demand you entertain me right now". I think it's a great improvement.

With her skill to hold toys in her hand our baby was given her first rattle. It looks awful and I almost broke it trying to see how it works. No, I didn't try to shake the rattle until it gives up and breaks. It's also designed to change shape when you twist it, but apparently it's not meant for grown-up strength. Go figure. But baby quite likes the rattle. It's new entertainment and a brand new thing she can chew on.

Chewing on things is another activity she enjoys. She started with her fingers, moved up to other people's knuckles, her shirt collar, edge of her blanket, other people's shoulders, and now also toys. For a while I suspected she's getting her first teeth because of all that chewing. On closer inspection her lower canines are visible under her gum and for a few days she constantly tried to scratch that spot. She also had all the less specific signs of cutting a tooth. I was expecting those canines to cut any moment now until it turned it's not supposed to happen until after 15th month. Apparently baby's behavior was only temporary and those teeth are not nearly as close as I thought.

Her physical development has skyrocketed. A couple of weeks ago she learned to hold her head. Now she holds her head very firmly and when I hold my hand under the sole of her feet she pushes herself forward in her attempt to crawl. She has not learned how to do it without my help. When I put her in stomach position, she pulls her legs under her body and then pushes them back straight but doesn't move an inch. She quickly gets really frustrated because she can't figure out what she's doing wrong!

She's making attempts to roll over but I think she misunderstands the whole concept. If I let try to roll over for a long enough time she does indeed end up the lying the other way. The problem is that in stead of ending up on her stomach my baby ends up with her head where she used to have her feet. So how does this work? She vigorously rolls to the side and ends up a little more crooked with each attempt until she's done a full circle. Actually she probably doesn't want to end up on her stomach anyway because then she'd just get frustrated with failing to crawl.

But the biggest change is with her attitudes. I remember being warned about babies getting emotions and this making them more difficult to care for. Well now it has happened. Sometimes she's in a good mood and she doesn't notice any discomfort. Everything is just perfect and she's smiling at people and chuckling to get attention. And sometimes she's in an awful mood. She doesn't want to play on her own, she doesn't want to be held, she gets irritated with everything and needs the smallest excuse to start protesting. When she's in that kind of mood it is more difficult to please her but somehow it's still better than before. Overall she probably cries more but it almost never makes me nervous. She used to be really helpless and crying was a sound of major distress. Even the smallest problem made her very scared and confused. When she was too warm she cried like it was the end of the world. Now when she gets too warm she yells a few times and then uses her feet to push away the blanket. When she gets tired she grunts and wails. And when she's hungry she ... well. Hunger is a serious matter so when she's hungry she still cries like it's the end of the world.

I would have thought that baby toys with sound are the most annoying things ever. But really while the baby spends 10 minutes hitting her rattle against every reachable surface , and trying which part of it is most fun to gnaw on, I get to make myself coffee or to read the news. Okay, she actually doesn't hit her head with it. She did it once by accident and I gasped with concern. She gave me a long look and then deliberately hit her head lightly to see if I gasp again. I was prepared for it this time and I didn't react in any way. I haven't seen her try it again even once. Basically, the sound of the rattle means, "Do whatever because baby is busy". It's the sound of free time. Nothing annoying about that. I think I would be way more annoyed when a 10-year old spends 10 minutes playing with her drum set while she could in stead spend that time sitting behind a computer and playing a first person shooter.

All in all, I think parenting gets more enjoyable every month.

Little World

I'm worried about September. It's only two weeks away and that's when I planned to continue with my studies and work with the laboratory. Everything tells me it's gonna be really tough.

Is it worth the effort, I wonder. I keep reading that children are young for such a short time that the mother should cherish every moment of it. Often Estonians seem to think that mother really should stay home with the child for at least a year and perhaps even for nearly 3 years until the child goes to kindergarten. In a way I agree because I'm sure Siiri would prefer to stay home with me for as long as possible. And I really do want her to have a pleasant childhood. Perhaps staying at home for three years with Siiri would be the best for her and if I go back to the laboratory I'll just end up miserable and stressed and Siiri will be very upset with me because I don't pay enough attention to her. So is it really worth going back to work any sooner than necessary?! Every time I get such doubts I think of myself for a moment and I think how three years would distance me from the real world.

Some of you are probably thinking that you ARE in the real world when you are at home, but I assure you, being at home for a few hours every evening is not the same as spending a few months or even years without any clear routine. After a while the world starts to shrink. Life becomes more and more simple - there's the kitchen, there's the living room. All the obligations are invented by yourself. I have decided that it's my obligation to make myself useful while Erkki at work. Usually this means I tidy all frequently used surfaces and wash the dishes. That's not really a big task but when I've done it I suddenly feel like my entire day was well spent. I try not to think about the list of tasks Erkki does every day. If I really thought about it I would no longer get any real feeling of accomplishment from my simple self-invented obligations.

After only 3 months at home I'm already starting to misjudge the difficulty of simple tasks. Imagine this scene - A little before noon I wake up for the fourth time since 9 o'clock. Baby is hungry and impatient, so I swiftly get half-dressed and take her to the living room to feed her. I yawn and try not to fall asleep. Then I turn on the TV to banish my boredom. I click the channels (There's nothing on TV. Again. ) and I notice that there are a couple of dirty dishes that I could just pick up and put in the sink. But I can't. I'm feeding the baby. Then I finish feeding and I burp her. Again I notice the dishes. They are so close! It would take only seconds to put them in the sink but much longer with the baby on my shoulder. Then I put the baby down but she's especially lively. How can I NOT play with a cute and lively baby? So I play with her for a while. Then she wants to be held and I take her on my shoulder again. The dishes stay on the table. And when I finally get a free moment and I put the dishes in the sink I really feel like I've climbed a mountain!

Most of the time at home I'm actually pretty bored. I find simple entertainment for myself. In the beginning I tried to think it interesting for myself. I just tried to imagine boring things were fun in their own unique way. "WOW! When was the last time I really just sat and did nothing? Isn't it fun to not be distracted by TV and Internet for a full hour?". By now this subtle taste of boredom has become a lifestyle. When I have a moment to spare, I waste it doing nothing. Pretty sad really. It's harder and harder to get enthusiastic about anything. Maybe I've over-used fake enthusiasm with boring things. Or maybe the world has just become so small already that it has no room for big emotions.

I've really tried my best to stay active even though I don't work at the moment. Truth be told, on Mondays I exercise, on Wednesdays I play role-playing games, on Thursdays I exercise, on either Friday or Saturday I either go out or we have guests over. Having at least four active evenings per week is what I'd call staying very active when there's a 3-month old in the picture. But even this didn't prevent the world from shrinking. I have to concentrate to get enthusiastic about things I actually really love doing.

It's no wonder that September horrifies me at the moment but when I really think about it I really need to continue with school and the laboratory to be able to enjoy my free time. I need to have real obligations to have real free time. It's still gonna be really difficult but I think it's worth the effort.

Update about last post: After a while baby stopped waking up and I got some sleep. She ate early in the morning and went back to sleep. The next day she had built up such an appetite that there was no sign of breast refusal anymore. Being assertive really helps. If I had let her eat during the night I would have deserved to be woken up many times during the next night. Such things really need to be resolved as soon as possible so baby doesn't get any bad habits.

Baby update: She has suddenly become so smart. Her facial expressions show a clear personality and lots of inner strength and resolution. She doesn't speak but the sounds she makes show pretty clearly what emotion she's trying to communicate. Actually she technically doesn't speak because she doesn't understand the meaning of words but she has learned to say "emme" (mommy in English) when she wants my attention. When I let her play on her own and she gets frustrated she makes a sound "ennnnggge" which sounds exactly like "emme" when she says it. Babies are unable to say closed-mouth letters (m, b, p) until they're about 5 months old. Siiri's "ennngge" is not random. I always respond with "mommy's here" and sometimes it's enough for her. But then other times she keeps repeating it until I go and pick her up. Cute AND smart!

Math Fails

As it turns out, math is useless after all. Despite the fact that 2+1+1+1+2=7, I certainly DO NOT feel like I've got 7 hours of sleep. Feels more like three. What a pity - I actually liked math! Now I'm in a total daze - much worse than my usual daze...

---This is the time when baby interrupted blog post about 5 times. Hours went by and morning turned into evening.---

I waited two and a half hours for baby to become sleepy again and then went back to sleep for a little while. It appears baby is on strike: she is refusing to eat. It's a common phase - most babies go through it some time during 2nd-4th month. They refuse to eat during the day but are perfectly happy to eat during the night when they are sleepy. Last night she woke me up once an hour, each time acting hungrier than she's been in weeks. She ate like there was no tomorrow. And during the following day she barely ate at all. She just wouldn't eat even when hungry. She cried and flailed around.

I can tell she's ready to repeat last night. Usually she has several meals during the evening and then she sleeps at least 5 hours straight. Now I got her to eat once barely before her long sleep. She has woken up about 6 times in the last two hours asking for food. I guess she'd sleep better if I would feed her but I won't. If she want to eat she'd better do it when I'm not trying to sleep. I can handle one feeding per night but she certainly doesn't need to eat more than that. Basically it's tough love - I will stay up all night if I have to and I will cradle her asleep even if she wakes up once every 10 minutes but I will only feed her at 5 a.m. Hence I'm not expecting to sleep a whole lot tonight. In the morning today I felt so sleepy that I'm willing to do nearly anything to prevent this from becoming a habit for my kid.

It's funny how time just passes by. I'm convinced breastfeeding is partly to blame. Sometimes I finish my coffee and I'm feeling quite awake and then I feed the baby and I'm ready to fall asleep right there and then. It's like a whooosh of sleepiness. It's comfortable kind of exhausting. It feels like a nice bath after a long workout or like sitting by the fireplace after a cold winter day. Sometimes I don't notice it so much but I still end up feeling like I just want to sit and watch TV for a while. The day becomes such a daze. I don't even notice days passing. Makes me slightly worried about going back to school in September but to be honest, my current situation feels barely fulfilling. It's nice and all but it just passes by with so little to remember. Baby is cute and constantly learning new stuff but that's not my doing. I just keep her company while she does the learning. I actually think I'd rather be all stressed and struggling to keep up than realizing that another month has went by and I barely even noticed.

Well it's not entirely true that it all passes by. From recent weeks I remember two events. One time I went pubbing with friends and another time I went to a birthday party while Erkki or Erkki's parents kept an eye on the baby at home. Both times were precisely planned so I could have a little alcohol. Those two events felt like I could finally just relax. We've had so many social events at home where I just have to take short breaks to feed the baby in the other room (I'm not ready to flash my friends yet so I prefer to feed in private). Still it seems like when I'm near the baby I constantly think abut what she's doing, does she need my help, should I pick her up, how long will she be able to entertain herself. I'm just unable to stop thinking about her needs so I can't really relax unless I'm nowhere near her. I decided I shouldn't drink more than about twice a month but such events give surprisingly much energy.

Baby Update: She didn't have a 3rd month doctor's appointment so she was measured at home. Baby weighs 6,5kg (accuracy 0,1kg) and is 61,5cm long. Her 700g weight gain is much less than I expected, but nothing to be alarmed about since it's over 500g. I think weight gain slowed down because baby usually eats only once during the night. Also my exercising might reduce her weight gain a little because it messes up the feeding pattern for 2 days each week.

Damn I gotta write more often because now the cool new things that have happened are actually feeling more like old news to me. Baby learned to hold her head very high, almost to the point of raising her chest. I got a suggestion from a forum that I should make sure her hands are "above" her head and not on her side. So next time in stomach position I pulled her hands out from under her shoulders and baby suddenly raised her head straight up. I'm very proud of her for making it in time for her 3-month birthday.

Now I'm going to mentally prepare myself for a lot of pacing back and forth the room to avoid feeding the baby when she's supposed to be sleeping. It could be a really long night ahead of me.

Surprise!

Today was another exercise day so I was quite prepared for a hellish morning. Yet today was different. She slept ideally - woke up at 5 a.m. and then already at 9 a.m. Many women could only dream of this pattern and I'm sure they wouldn't even dare dream that their baby has this eating schedule before 3 months of age. My day was just as calm - my kid just kept on sleeping. She slept so much that I assumed her body could be healing from a cold I barely even noticed. Because really - if a child sneezed the air was dry but if she sneezes a few times it could be a minor cold.

Well anyway, the kid slept so much that I didn't mind holding her almost the entire time she was awake. Evening came and I had lots of energy for exercising. I didn't hold back with the kicks and punches and had a great time. The surprise came when I called Erkki for a routine "What else do we need from the store and how is Siiri doing?". Erkki said, "Come home as soon as you can because she won't take the bottle." I was dumbfounded - what do you mean she won't take the bottle?! I fed her before I left home but I had been gone for nearly 3 hours (damn gym for being so far away) and Siiri usually has 1-2 meals during this time. She must be totally starving.

Siiri had been giving the hungry-signs for a long time but when Erkki warmed up the milk and offered it to her she just wouldn't eat. The bottle that has been perfectly good for a long time was now unacceptable. Siiri spent quite some time crying - at least only sadly, not hysterically - and when I finally got home, she was the happiest breastfeeding child ever. She ate for the longest time and pretended to eat long after she was already full. She then proceeded to happily chat and giggle and when I started to cover up she quickly continued eating, "I'm not done yet".

This gave me an odd sense of pride and it made me feel so pleasantly needed. My baby needs ME. I can not be replaced by a mere bottle. She loves me and notices when I'm not nearby. All this gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling, I love you too baby. For the rest of the evening I spent any moment I could spare holding her and even when I put her in bed I was ready to pick her up again at the first hint of crying. I had felt a little like a milk-machine and I had felt like it was my duty as a mother to spend time entertaining and holding Siiri. Not an unpleasant duty, but a duty nevertheless. Now it has all changed. I am an irreplaceable comfort to Siiri. Even though I intellectually knew this before, it's only know that I realize it gives me joy. It's nice to be irreplaceable for such a cute little creature with those beautiful sincere eyes.

It's nice to have those warm and fuzzy feelings but I really REALLY hope it was a one-time occurrence. I would really regret to stop exercising and it will be really difficult to go back to the laboratory in September if Siiri won't eat from a bottle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Best Friend

I rocked the baby to sleep swinging her back and forth in a nice headbanging rhythm listening to metal music. She fell asleep so peacefully and I placed her in her crib with her toy worm facing her. Worm is definitely an odd creature - neon green tail and a yellow head with bright pink antennae. Despite being a biologist, I hadn't realized that worms don't even have antennae until someone pointed it out to me. We are actually dealing with a space worm or a slug named Worm! When I placed the baby in the crib she opened her eyes a little, saw Worm and gave him a wide friendly welcome smile, and then fell asleep knowing her best friend is right there next to her.

This odd friendship between baby and Worm is amazingly cute. Baby is as fond of the Worm as her own mother. Worm keeps her company when she wakes up at night or when she is having trouble falling asleep. My kid can easily spend thirty minutes playing with the worm. She talks to her best friend in their secret language, carefully touches Worm's face, tries to hold his tail. This often leads to baby accidentally catapulting the toy to the other side of the bed or turning the toy over so that it's facing away from her. This makes baby sad. Worm has abandoned her! I go there, put the Worm back where it belongs and the baby smiles with joy.

All this makes me wonder - What more does baby need? Well of course food and clothes and all that practical stuff. But what other toys does she need? It's so often seen that children's beds are covered with twenty or thirty stuffed bears and rabbits in all shapes and sizes. The child can pick a "friend" according to her mood. When she gets bored with one bear, she tosses it out of the bed and plays with another one. She can have enough stuffed toys to juggle them. Is this really what we want to teach children? Friends are replaceable and toys exist to entertain her. I would very much prefer if she learned to entertain herself with the HELP of her toys. There's a subtle difference. If children just needed toys to be happy it would be so easy to fill the room with toys and toss the kid inside. But it's not at all unusual for a child to be sitting in the middle of a pile of toys bored out of her mind. Toys don't really entertain children. Children need to play and entertain themselves and toys are there only as an aid.

I'm not expecting my child to continue playing with only Worm until the end of teenage. I just think that when it comes to toys, LESS IS MORE. This simple stuffed worm squeaks when you squeeze it so it will be excellent for a 6-month old who is already grabbing things. It's the only "social toy" that the baby needs for now. When baby is older, I want to choose her one ideal cuddle toy. This will also be a stuffed animal, but big and fluffy. One toy for one purpose is all that's necessary.

The goal isn't to save money but rather to keep the apartment clutter free. I would rather pick up the child's favourite toy and carefully place it in her crib than kick a punch of random toys on the floor into a neater-looking pile. As long as I have anything to say about it, Worm will never end up in such a pile. Lets just hope Siiri agrees with my view on toys and she won't end up pleading for a new toy every week. " Mommy, I need that stuffed bear! I NEED it!"