Doing Something Wrong

I can't figure it out - why do some women get pleasure in being a mother and some women don't. The society sells motherhood as the best thing ever and the most fulfilling job in the world.  Women are supposed to find their ability to truly love someone when they see their children and suddenly all else becomes pointless. A true woman's life goal is to raise children and devote herself to their well-being. In the common myth, they devote themselves entirely and they enjoy it. They find pleasure in everything that their child does and they are sad if the child does bad things. Never angry, never annoyed. Just happy and loving everything about it. They only regret when they have to spend time apart from the child, but they never regret the time they spend away from the hobbies and friends they had before.

That, I'm afraid, is not always so. I've been trying to find out if it's ever so. Are there really women who love mothering more than anything else in the whole world; who get pure pleasure and happiness from making dinner and washing dishes, changing diapers and getting a squirming toddler into a pajama.  I was reading articles about motherhood a few nights ago and the titles all focused on this version of truth, they were about career women having children and some quote was taken out of context, about how much pleasure the children really are, enforcing the view that children bring true happiness and are a pleasure to take care of. Women in their late thirties saying that they wouldn't change motherhood for anything else in the whole world. It gives the impression as if motherhood itself is enjoyable. Which means those people really enjoy the time they spend at home, taking care of little children.  Majority of that time is cleaning, changing clothes, washing the child, preparing food, and playing with the child. I kinda like playing with my children and teaching them new things. I dislike all the rest of it. And really - do you know any woman who gets true pleasure in doing those other chores? If yes, is she sane? 

Also, if motherhood in itself is so wonderfully enjoyable, so completely fulfilling, why is depression so common among mothers. And why is it such a common thing to say that even mothers need a break and they need their own time too.

In a way I feel guilty for not enjoying a day (after day after day ...) spent doing chores, while keeping my children alive and well. It's as if I'm supposed to love it, because motherhood is so wonderful, as I've heard. I feel like it makes me a worse mother because I do those chores because I have no choice, and I would be a better mother if I was happily humming a tune while wiping the kitchen table of half-eaten food because that's the best job in the world. Or what does it really look like if a woman enjoys it? Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Maybe if I was diligent and energetic, I wouldn't mind the chores and I would spend my energy on loving the kids. Generally, my laziness is nicely balanced with my ambitiousness and my enjoyment at reaching my goals, but at home, there are no goals. It's just monotonous grind: clean the table, wash the kid, change the clothes. It's so mind numbing  The wonderful things that children do give it some meaning and purpose but all in all, I wouldn't say it's enjoyable.

For a long time I had so many chores at home that I just gave up on enjoyment. I tried to find pleasure in the little things and just found ways to get by. I didn't set any goals, I tried not to have any expectations. If bed time took longer, then it took longer, if children had a tantrum then there wasn't much I could do about it. Just survive until they're older and they don't need help with bed time and they don't have temper tantrums anymore. It's gotten much better now that Liisa is a toddler but I haven't notices significant increase in m happiness level. I mean, I am much happier than a few months ago, but only because I get to go to work now. I expect to enjoy the time I spend with my children more. Waiting for the children to be able to take care of themselves takes too long, at least 4 more years. Until then, I don't want to just get by, I want to enjoy my life and it includes two children and a husband so I have to figure out how to really enjoy my life with my family.

I can't get past the hours of chores. Whether I like it or not, there is so much that I have to do. Even when I spend hours at home, barely a moment is spent on activities that I actually enjoy. Even when I draw with Siiri (enjoyable activity) I also have to keep Liisa from running away with sharp pencils (a chore: keeping a child from harm) or when I read a book with Liisa (enjoyable activity) I also have to deal with constant interruptions (small chores: getting water for Siiri, confiscating a small toy from Liisa, etc). I enjoy the time I spend in the lab because I get to advance some goals and I get a sense of accomplishment. At home, all my goals are on pause. It's like taking a lunch break in the middle of a busy day - everything waits to be continued and life sits still. Maybe I need goals at home? Yes, makes sense. But my goal can't be directly attached to my children. I can't set a goal to potty-train Liisa in two months, because it's not up to me and it would be unfair to her. Besides, it's not really something to brag about, because it would still be Liisa who becomes potty-trained. I can set a goal to clean the apartment, but repeatedly achieving the same goal makes it give less and less pleasure. Besides, what stupid kind of a goal is it to clean the apartment. It's a tiny personal goal with no impact on anything. I doesn't advance the big picture in any way. Maybe some of my obsessions are really just desperate attempts to set goals in stead. Even my gingerbread cookie project hides a goal to find the perfect gingerbread cookie recipe. When this goal advanced, I felt alive! 

I still put so much energy into trying to be a good mother. Having my children grow up in a caring supportive environment is one of my goals. But for that to work, it would be really helpful if I didn't have a constant sense of needing to do something more meaningful. Aren't they supposed to be the meaning of my life? I'm doing something wrong. My life is perfect, so why do I enjoy it less than a few years ago when I could spend hours playing Baldur's Gate, and staying up all night whenever I wanted. In a way I do feel more fulfilled now but I should enjoy it more. Being a mother of two cute and amazing healthy girls should be the definition of "bliss". I am doing something wrong and I can't figure out how to fix it. A good mother is a happy mother and a happy mother is one who enjoys their time AND spends a lot of time with her children. 

I think it also applies to Erkki. I don't remember him ever telling me, "oh you go out, I would love to spend the next few hours taking care of children.". He tells me, "We'll be fine. Go have fun", with the added assumption that "fun" is out there, not at home taking care of toddlers.

Gingerbread Craze

It appears I am always obsessed about something. Long time ago, I was obsessed about socionics, then about quitting smoking, then nutrition, parenthood, cakes, meat preparation... and lately - gingerbread. I just really want to make REALLY good gingerbread cookies.  I'm pretty good at making pastry and I can make several kinds of cookies. I've also made gingerbread cookies, but I still like store-bought cookies more. In about November, I thought I will try to improve my gingerbread cookie recipe this year. Last year the recipe was already quite good, but  not the best.

I'm sure Siiri must have noticed my interest in gingerbread cookies, because already in the beginning of November, she was asking me when we will make gingerbread cookies. I promised that we will do it in December and I couldn't wait. I made a gingerbread dough the day before and we spent 1st of December making gingerbread cookies. I tried them, but there was too much of cloves ad allspice. I had to have another go at it. A few days later I did another patch and a few days later I did another one. If my calculation is correct, I've made gingerbread cookie dough 6 times in the last month, adjusting mostly the spices.

There is nothing simple about gingerbread spices.  The classic Swedish blend is cinnamon and ginger, roughly equal amounts. American blend is ginger (2-3 tsp), cinnamon (1-3 tsp, equal to or less than ginger), allspice (1/2-2 tsp, less than cinnamon), cloves (just a little, about 1/4 tsp). Sometimes nutmeg or rarely even black pepper is added. Estonian blend is VERY different. It's typical to see black pepper, cinnamon and cloves. Everything else can be omitted and even those are optional. Some spices have to be added, otherwise gingerbread cookie will just be a "cookie" in stead and that's boring and plain. But really, there doesn't seem to be any clear pattern in what spices to add to get a good old traditional Estonian gingerbread cookie.

I'm guessing it's partly because of the soviet era. I don't suppose we had much ginger being sold in the stores. Cloves must have come from somewhere in the Soviet Union because cloves are used in many typical (traditional) Estonian marinades. That's why the "spice" in gingerbread cookies is cloves in stead of ginger. I mean, cloves and black pepper. The Estonian word for gingerbread actually translates to "peppercake". Some recipes featured black pepper in stead of allspice and initially I though it was just a mistake. I thought black pepper was plain and it was just something that was used because allspice wasn't always available. Now that I've tried both, I see that black pepper gives a really nice spicy flavor it it.

I'll give you my latest recipe. It still needs a bit of something, perhaps more sugar, or a different kind of brown sugar. I've made the dough but I haven't made cookies yet. I have high expectations.

Gingerbread cookies.
(modified in November, 2013)

2 dl sugar (for melting and browning)
1.5 dl hot water (I use a kitchen scale to measure 150 g of boiled water)
3.5 dl brown sugar (muscovado. Year 2013 correction: molasses sugar, about 250g)
250 g of butter
1 egg 
800-900 g flour (I use flour with 12% protein content, Veski-Mati "Eriti hea nisujahu". )
4 tsp baking powder (Year 2013 correction: use 1.5 tsp baking soda and 1.5 tsp baking powder)

Spices (all ground):
0.5 tsp cloves
3 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp ginger
0.75 tsp black pepper
3-4 allspice berries
0.5 tsp cardamom
a bit of nutmeg
1 tsp coriander
orange zest of half a fresh orange

Pour the sugar in a pot and add enough water to dissolve the sugar while heating it. Amount doesn't matter, the water will evaporate. Heat until the water has evaporated and the sugar starts rising (sugar also starts to smell like burnt coffee). Remove sugar from heat to a cool surface to stop the browning. Wait a bit for the sugar to cool, then add hot water.  Then add the rest of the sugar, let it dissolve in the hot syrup. Remove from heat. Add butter, let it melt, mix. Add spices. Let it cool. When it's cooled enough, add one lightly beaten egg and also mix in flour with baking powder. Voilà, you're done. Let it sit in the refrigerator over night or more. The longer the better. Some say it should sit in refrigirator for at least a week before making cookies, but then you might have to use less flour or knead in some water if the dough is brittle and dry. 

I made this latest patch yesterday and I've tasted the dough several times. I'm tempted to make some cookies soon, to see how they turned out. The dough tastes a bit too much like muscovado sugar, which tastes a bit like cough syrup. The thought of baking gingerbread cookies to satisfy my curiosity has crossed my mind several times already, even though there are so many things I could do in stead. I want to find out how the cookies taste! I'm just too obsessed to stop myself. Besides, if I don't stop myself, I will have gingerbread cookies later today. But perhaps I need sleep even more.

As for the raw egg in the dough, I don't mind it. About 1 egg in 100 000 is infected with salmonella bacteria. I taste the dough and I let Liisa and Siiri taste it. Being able to snack on gingerbread dough is part of a good childhood. Also, perhaps Salmonella bacteria won't like the spices.

December is almost over and I won't do any more gingerbread dough this year (if I can help it). I'll continue with the recipe next year. In January I will try to channel my obsession to my work. I have never been able to channel my obsessions but I understand myself better and better. If I could feel as passionately about my new project as I did about the role of proteins in nutrition or the effect of adrenaline on blood sugar, I would be unstoppable. 

Children's development: Siiri is ill all the time. She barely gets to go to kindergarten. In Estonia, children can't go to kindergarten if they even sneeze or cough. Stupid system, promoting unemployed mothers because it makes them such unreliable employees. Liisa learned to walk and then learned to run. She can understand a very big part of what we tell her. "Do you want water? ... Or meat? ... Or are you finished?" and then she shakes her head or points to things. When we don't understand her subtle pleas for attention, she takes the loudest toy, sits in the middle of the room and starts making noise.  "Oh Liisa, I didn't notice, it's already your bed time. Now to sleep?" and she gets up, points to the bedroom, mutters something and starts walking there. It seems like she can not pronounce the words she would like to say. Everything ends up sounding like grumbling and mumbling. Liisa is getting along very well with the babysitter, but Siiri and the babysitter haven't really clicked. Okay, sure, I told the babysitter at the job interview, that she will be primarily Liisa's babysitter because Siiri will be in kindergarten most of the time, but when she's ill, she will also need babysitting. But now it seems like Siiri gets more real attention in kindergarten than at home with the babysitter, even though the babysitter only has 2 kids to take care of, while in kindergarten, there are 19 children for 2 teachers. Like today - I hastily tied Siiri's hair in the morning and if hadn't been touched until 4 pm when I came home. She was also wearing pajamas and I can only hope that they simply hadn't had time to change after the afternoon nap. Alternatively she wore pajamas the entire day. The babysitter had cleaned the kitchen area very well, but she should have spent the time and energy on Siiri in stead.