Doing Something Wrong

I can't figure it out - why do some women get pleasure in being a mother and some women don't. The society sells motherhood as the best thing ever and the most fulfilling job in the world.  Women are supposed to find their ability to truly love someone when they see their children and suddenly all else becomes pointless. A true woman's life goal is to raise children and devote herself to their well-being. In the common myth, they devote themselves entirely and they enjoy it. They find pleasure in everything that their child does and they are sad if the child does bad things. Never angry, never annoyed. Just happy and loving everything about it. They only regret when they have to spend time apart from the child, but they never regret the time they spend away from the hobbies and friends they had before.

That, I'm afraid, is not always so. I've been trying to find out if it's ever so. Are there really women who love mothering more than anything else in the whole world; who get pure pleasure and happiness from making dinner and washing dishes, changing diapers and getting a squirming toddler into a pajama.  I was reading articles about motherhood a few nights ago and the titles all focused on this version of truth, they were about career women having children and some quote was taken out of context, about how much pleasure the children really are, enforcing the view that children bring true happiness and are a pleasure to take care of. Women in their late thirties saying that they wouldn't change motherhood for anything else in the whole world. It gives the impression as if motherhood itself is enjoyable. Which means those people really enjoy the time they spend at home, taking care of little children.  Majority of that time is cleaning, changing clothes, washing the child, preparing food, and playing with the child. I kinda like playing with my children and teaching them new things. I dislike all the rest of it. And really - do you know any woman who gets true pleasure in doing those other chores? If yes, is she sane? 

Also, if motherhood in itself is so wonderfully enjoyable, so completely fulfilling, why is depression so common among mothers. And why is it such a common thing to say that even mothers need a break and they need their own time too.

In a way I feel guilty for not enjoying a day (after day after day ...) spent doing chores, while keeping my children alive and well. It's as if I'm supposed to love it, because motherhood is so wonderful, as I've heard. I feel like it makes me a worse mother because I do those chores because I have no choice, and I would be a better mother if I was happily humming a tune while wiping the kitchen table of half-eaten food because that's the best job in the world. Or what does it really look like if a woman enjoys it? Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Maybe if I was diligent and energetic, I wouldn't mind the chores and I would spend my energy on loving the kids. Generally, my laziness is nicely balanced with my ambitiousness and my enjoyment at reaching my goals, but at home, there are no goals. It's just monotonous grind: clean the table, wash the kid, change the clothes. It's so mind numbing  The wonderful things that children do give it some meaning and purpose but all in all, I wouldn't say it's enjoyable.

For a long time I had so many chores at home that I just gave up on enjoyment. I tried to find pleasure in the little things and just found ways to get by. I didn't set any goals, I tried not to have any expectations. If bed time took longer, then it took longer, if children had a tantrum then there wasn't much I could do about it. Just survive until they're older and they don't need help with bed time and they don't have temper tantrums anymore. It's gotten much better now that Liisa is a toddler but I haven't notices significant increase in m happiness level. I mean, I am much happier than a few months ago, but only because I get to go to work now. I expect to enjoy the time I spend with my children more. Waiting for the children to be able to take care of themselves takes too long, at least 4 more years. Until then, I don't want to just get by, I want to enjoy my life and it includes two children and a husband so I have to figure out how to really enjoy my life with my family.

I can't get past the hours of chores. Whether I like it or not, there is so much that I have to do. Even when I spend hours at home, barely a moment is spent on activities that I actually enjoy. Even when I draw with Siiri (enjoyable activity) I also have to keep Liisa from running away with sharp pencils (a chore: keeping a child from harm) or when I read a book with Liisa (enjoyable activity) I also have to deal with constant interruptions (small chores: getting water for Siiri, confiscating a small toy from Liisa, etc). I enjoy the time I spend in the lab because I get to advance some goals and I get a sense of accomplishment. At home, all my goals are on pause. It's like taking a lunch break in the middle of a busy day - everything waits to be continued and life sits still. Maybe I need goals at home? Yes, makes sense. But my goal can't be directly attached to my children. I can't set a goal to potty-train Liisa in two months, because it's not up to me and it would be unfair to her. Besides, it's not really something to brag about, because it would still be Liisa who becomes potty-trained. I can set a goal to clean the apartment, but repeatedly achieving the same goal makes it give less and less pleasure. Besides, what stupid kind of a goal is it to clean the apartment. It's a tiny personal goal with no impact on anything. I doesn't advance the big picture in any way. Maybe some of my obsessions are really just desperate attempts to set goals in stead. Even my gingerbread cookie project hides a goal to find the perfect gingerbread cookie recipe. When this goal advanced, I felt alive! 

I still put so much energy into trying to be a good mother. Having my children grow up in a caring supportive environment is one of my goals. But for that to work, it would be really helpful if I didn't have a constant sense of needing to do something more meaningful. Aren't they supposed to be the meaning of my life? I'm doing something wrong. My life is perfect, so why do I enjoy it less than a few years ago when I could spend hours playing Baldur's Gate, and staying up all night whenever I wanted. In a way I do feel more fulfilled now but I should enjoy it more. Being a mother of two cute and amazing healthy girls should be the definition of "bliss". I am doing something wrong and I can't figure out how to fix it. A good mother is a happy mother and a happy mother is one who enjoys their time AND spends a lot of time with her children. 

I think it also applies to Erkki. I don't remember him ever telling me, "oh you go out, I would love to spend the next few hours taking care of children.". He tells me, "We'll be fine. Go have fun", with the added assumption that "fun" is out there, not at home taking care of toddlers.

Gingerbread Craze

It appears I am always obsessed about something. Long time ago, I was obsessed about socionics, then about quitting smoking, then nutrition, parenthood, cakes, meat preparation... and lately - gingerbread. I just really want to make REALLY good gingerbread cookies.  I'm pretty good at making pastry and I can make several kinds of cookies. I've also made gingerbread cookies, but I still like store-bought cookies more. In about November, I thought I will try to improve my gingerbread cookie recipe this year. Last year the recipe was already quite good, but  not the best.

I'm sure Siiri must have noticed my interest in gingerbread cookies, because already in the beginning of November, she was asking me when we will make gingerbread cookies. I promised that we will do it in December and I couldn't wait. I made a gingerbread dough the day before and we spent 1st of December making gingerbread cookies. I tried them, but there was too much of cloves ad allspice. I had to have another go at it. A few days later I did another patch and a few days later I did another one. If my calculation is correct, I've made gingerbread cookie dough 6 times in the last month, adjusting mostly the spices.

There is nothing simple about gingerbread spices.  The classic Swedish blend is cinnamon and ginger, roughly equal amounts. American blend is ginger (2-3 tsp), cinnamon (1-3 tsp, equal to or less than ginger), allspice (1/2-2 tsp, less than cinnamon), cloves (just a little, about 1/4 tsp). Sometimes nutmeg or rarely even black pepper is added. Estonian blend is VERY different. It's typical to see black pepper, cinnamon and cloves. Everything else can be omitted and even those are optional. Some spices have to be added, otherwise gingerbread cookie will just be a "cookie" in stead and that's boring and plain. But really, there doesn't seem to be any clear pattern in what spices to add to get a good old traditional Estonian gingerbread cookie.

I'm guessing it's partly because of the soviet era. I don't suppose we had much ginger being sold in the stores. Cloves must have come from somewhere in the Soviet Union because cloves are used in many typical (traditional) Estonian marinades. That's why the "spice" in gingerbread cookies is cloves in stead of ginger. I mean, cloves and black pepper. The Estonian word for gingerbread actually translates to "peppercake". Some recipes featured black pepper in stead of allspice and initially I though it was just a mistake. I thought black pepper was plain and it was just something that was used because allspice wasn't always available. Now that I've tried both, I see that black pepper gives a really nice spicy flavor it it.

I'll give you my latest recipe. It still needs a bit of something, perhaps more sugar, or a different kind of brown sugar. I've made the dough but I haven't made cookies yet. I have high expectations.

Gingerbread cookies.
(modified in November, 2013)

2 dl sugar (for melting and browning)
1.5 dl hot water (I use a kitchen scale to measure 150 g of boiled water)
3.5 dl brown sugar (muscovado. Year 2013 correction: molasses sugar, about 250g)
250 g of butter
1 egg 
800-900 g flour (I use flour with 12% protein content, Veski-Mati "Eriti hea nisujahu". )
4 tsp baking powder (Year 2013 correction: use 1.5 tsp baking soda and 1.5 tsp baking powder)

Spices (all ground):
0.5 tsp cloves
3 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp ginger
0.75 tsp black pepper
3-4 allspice berries
0.5 tsp cardamom
a bit of nutmeg
1 tsp coriander
orange zest of half a fresh orange

Pour the sugar in a pot and add enough water to dissolve the sugar while heating it. Amount doesn't matter, the water will evaporate. Heat until the water has evaporated and the sugar starts rising (sugar also starts to smell like burnt coffee). Remove sugar from heat to a cool surface to stop the browning. Wait a bit for the sugar to cool, then add hot water.  Then add the rest of the sugar, let it dissolve in the hot syrup. Remove from heat. Add butter, let it melt, mix. Add spices. Let it cool. When it's cooled enough, add one lightly beaten egg and also mix in flour with baking powder. Voilà, you're done. Let it sit in the refrigerator over night or more. The longer the better. Some say it should sit in refrigirator for at least a week before making cookies, but then you might have to use less flour or knead in some water if the dough is brittle and dry. 

I made this latest patch yesterday and I've tasted the dough several times. I'm tempted to make some cookies soon, to see how they turned out. The dough tastes a bit too much like muscovado sugar, which tastes a bit like cough syrup. The thought of baking gingerbread cookies to satisfy my curiosity has crossed my mind several times already, even though there are so many things I could do in stead. I want to find out how the cookies taste! I'm just too obsessed to stop myself. Besides, if I don't stop myself, I will have gingerbread cookies later today. But perhaps I need sleep even more.

As for the raw egg in the dough, I don't mind it. About 1 egg in 100 000 is infected with salmonella bacteria. I taste the dough and I let Liisa and Siiri taste it. Being able to snack on gingerbread dough is part of a good childhood. Also, perhaps Salmonella bacteria won't like the spices.

December is almost over and I won't do any more gingerbread dough this year (if I can help it). I'll continue with the recipe next year. In January I will try to channel my obsession to my work. I have never been able to channel my obsessions but I understand myself better and better. If I could feel as passionately about my new project as I did about the role of proteins in nutrition or the effect of adrenaline on blood sugar, I would be unstoppable. 

Children's development: Siiri is ill all the time. She barely gets to go to kindergarten. In Estonia, children can't go to kindergarten if they even sneeze or cough. Stupid system, promoting unemployed mothers because it makes them such unreliable employees. Liisa learned to walk and then learned to run. She can understand a very big part of what we tell her. "Do you want water? ... Or meat? ... Or are you finished?" and then she shakes her head or points to things. When we don't understand her subtle pleas for attention, she takes the loudest toy, sits in the middle of the room and starts making noise.  "Oh Liisa, I didn't notice, it's already your bed time. Now to sleep?" and she gets up, points to the bedroom, mutters something and starts walking there. It seems like she can not pronounce the words she would like to say. Everything ends up sounding like grumbling and mumbling. Liisa is getting along very well with the babysitter, but Siiri and the babysitter haven't really clicked. Okay, sure, I told the babysitter at the job interview, that she will be primarily Liisa's babysitter because Siiri will be in kindergarten most of the time, but when she's ill, she will also need babysitting. But now it seems like Siiri gets more real attention in kindergarten than at home with the babysitter, even though the babysitter only has 2 kids to take care of, while in kindergarten, there are 19 children for 2 teachers. Like today - I hastily tied Siiri's hair in the morning and if hadn't been touched until 4 pm when I came home. She was also wearing pajamas and I can only hope that they simply hadn't had time to change after the afternoon nap. Alternatively she wore pajamas the entire day. The babysitter had cleaned the kitchen area very well, but she should have spent the time and energy on Siiri in stead. 

Motherhood Sucks

The title says it all. There is very little to enjoy in having so little freedom. For the last months, I've had about 2 hours of free time per day until I have to go to sleep. Sometimes just one hour. Sometimes even that is interrupted by Liisa waking up or Siiri being too hungry to fall asleep. It's horrible.  When I'm in the lab, there is always so much to do and time runs out all too fast. But when I'm at home, I find myself counting hours to bedtime, although I know it won't help because tomorrow is just as bad. Time at home is usually just tasks to keep the children occupied and in schedule, with little quality time and very little sense of freedom.

I'm really not cut out for this. I've had to change my behavior a lot to become more similar to the kind of mother I think I'm supposed to be. When I get angry, my natural response is to get aggressive and expressive, but that's not appropriate for a good mother so I learned to become frustrated in stead.   Then I learned to become passive aggressive and now I've learned to become numb. When Siiri has a tantrum, I shut myself down mentally. I force myself to stay calm. I've also learned new behavior when having conversations with children. By nature, I'm a very frank person. Before, when a child did something unimpressive (e.g. draw an ugly picture or sing badly) and they came to me seeking praise, I just smiled awkwardly and hoped they go away.  Now I have learned to fake emotions much better. I can have repetitive conversations with pretended enthusiasm. How many times can you answer the same questions without resorting to "Who cares?! Besides, I've already told you!". Well, I've answered some questions dozens of times.

Behaving in a way that is unnatural for a person, tends to backfire occasionally. I can spend days and weeks talking with kids in a gleeful manner but every once in a while I suddenly feel like I'm not really a person anymore.  I just do the right tasks with the right emotion at the right time. I get really sad at how little control I have over my own life and needs and wants. I just want to play games on Xbox and I haven't even finished Assassin's Creed Revelations, which we have had for a year already. Mother's aren't really people anyway. They're more like robots with only one objective: raise children well. The same can't be said for fathers. When a child wears dirty clothing, people blame the mother. When Siiri's kindergarten group had a Christmas present vote, 13 parents had eventually voted, none of them fathers. Bunch of women doing what the society expects of them while men get a free pass not to care about such small things.

As progressive and helpful as Erkki is, I still spend more hours at home and I'm in charge of the majority of chores and I get to spend a lot of time with the kids. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy: "YAY, I get to spend hours and hours with my kids" but the less time I'm stuck here babysitting, the more likely I am to do it with honest joy. I sometimes think I would be better at the male role. I'd love to have many children - at least 4, but I don't want to be the one mothering them.  I'd be okay with being a father of 4. Coming home after a busy day at work, greeting the kids, helping out at home and collecting social points for anything I do at home. When a man walks outside with a baby, he gets praise from everyone, if it's a woman, it's just expected of her anyway. It's the same with so many tasks I can't even count them. If the living room floor isn't vacuumed (and is really dirty), it's the wife who is held responsible, even if the husband and wife work equal hours and the vacuuming is the husband's chore. I'm not any better either. When I saw some dust in someone else's home, I suddenly assumed, "she's probably really busy". I'm kind of ashamed that I didn't think "they are busy" or even "he is busy"?

I can't possibly be the only person to hate being confined by all these tiny obligations all the time, but when I googled motherhood and prison, I only found stories of inmates having babies and missing out on wonderful motherhood.  I'm starting to wonder if prisoners have more freedom than mothers! At least they can read books and have their own thoughts and opinions and emotions! If the tasks of motherhood were really written down, I'm sure they would violate all work laws (work and rest time balance, chance to finish a meal, even opportunity to go to the bathroom or to wash up). I suspect, at times, the tasks of motherhood would also violate human rights (not allowed to sleep, being mistreated and screamed at, sometimes even attacked physically). I'm only talking at what the kids do. Erkki is great. Simply, I often wish he was the mother so I had the social right not to notice when Liisa needs new clothes or Siiri needs a picture for kindergarten or the carpet needs to be vacuumed. Because I really would have better things to do, but I can't! I don't have time to spend on myself so I'm becoming less and less of a person. I feel myself disapprearing and my worth decreasing. I used to be an active person, now I just tend to the kids and I'm bad at the obligations that the kindergarten expects of me. I hope I'm not the only MOTHER who hasn't yet sent a picture of Siiri so they can put it in their birthday calendar. OMG, they found yet another task for women to do, so they'd have less attention to think about their work and also another reason to feel like a failure.

Maybe I'm exaggerating with the work laws and human rights, but not by much. It's customary for women to pretend to enjoy spending nearly all "free"   time dealing with kids. I'm tired of it. I'm optimistic when I walk to the lab and I get more and more gloomy when I walk home and think of entertaining kids until it's dinner time and time to put them to bed. Siiri and Liisa are great, except for temper tantrums and such, but it's crazy how much work it is to maintain them! If both me and Erkki are at home with kids for one day, we only get a few hours of time when one of us can take a break. If only one is at home, then there will be moments where it's impossible to get everything done and there isn't a moments rest when even one kid is awake. Besides, there are so many temper tantrums, I've become afraid doing anything with Siiri and I get tense if she even raises her voice a little.  It's sometimes such a struggle not to scream back.

I love my children dearly, but I'm starting to think that it takes a helluva lot of self-brainwashing for a woman to convince herself daily, that motherhood is rewarding and the good times outweigh the bad times. No. Being a mother sucks. It's awful. It's tedious non-stop work, with little benefit. All mistakes being noticed and all successes being attributed to the children. The amount of enjoyment that has to be given up is much greater compared to the positive emotion of seeing a child smile in between her horrible tantrums. Again, I don't regret having children because for me it isn't a full life without family evenings and the possibility of grandchildren. Too bad I had to sacrifice all freedom and myself to live my vision of my perfect life.

PS! During writing this post while kids were in bed and it was my "free time", I was interrupted about 6 times times by kids, mostly by Liisa waking up crying, but also Siiri being "too hungry to sleep" two hours after dinner and also waking up and crying non-stop for nearly 30 minutes because she wanted a piece of paper being thrown in the bin and did not believe that it had already been done.

Edited to add: recommended reading: All Joy and No Fun: Why parents hate parenting.

Prison Sentence

Lately I'm a little lost why it would be a good idea to be a stay-at-home mother. From how I see it, it's no better than a prison sentence or a house arrest.  I can't really go anywhere or do anything. If I was in prison, at least someone else would cook my food and I'd have my hands free to cross stitch or write or draw.

Also, the whole idea of raising children by violence and fear is looking damn tempting. Siiri has been acting like the devil. She hits and bites me and laughs in my face. Kinda makes me want to show her who's the boss and it's really hard to keep repeating that she is not allowed to hit me. She doesn't really hurt me. She hits me lightly enough to make me so frustrated that I hate my life, but not hard enough to actually cause pain. I have tried the Supernanny method of making her sit on a naughty chair and it just doesn't work. She starts screaming for fun, which is super annoying in an apartment with neighbors everywhere around us. I've tried confiscating toys and apparently she has no problem handing me iPad and then happily prancing to the other room to jump on the bed, which she is not allowed to do. It doesn't even matter how much attention she gets or how much of my energy and good will I let her leach out of me. She will misbehave before bed time no matter what happened during the day. Sometimes the entire day is perfect and then we are all ready to go to bed, I read two fairy tales of Siiri's choice, her teeth are washed, she has the pajamas that she likes, Liisa is almost asleep looking blissfully calm and cute, Siiri is lying by my other side so it would be easier for her to fall asleep and then she -out of the blue- hits me on the arm and laughs. Then runs off the bed to go and jump on the other bed.  

Perhaps it would be easier to cope with the frustration if I could just say, "f*ck it all" and go out and get wasted. Or perhaps say, "It's bloody 10 p.m. I've been up since 8.30 a.m. putting up with this crap. My workday is OVER! I'm gonna go watch a movie and none of you are allowed to interrupt me."   Currently, I just hope my life doesn't get worse. I try to block out the horrors of everyday life, the lack of mental stimulation, the inability to actually get anything done. I try to forget how little enjoyment I get out of life and how much effort it takes to get even a little enjoyment. I just wait for the day to end and I hope that the next one will be a little less pointless. All those movies of cheerful blissfully happy stay-at-home mothers are just a delusion. I can't imagine how anyone could really enjoy such a life for longer than a few months. One year is just stretching the limits of sanity. One year and one months is past that limit. I'm going crazy being stuck in here.

A bit of updating. Siiri is in kindergarten but she's been coughing for nearly 3 weeks already. So I am taking care of two kids again, we can't go out because I want Siiri to get better but it's so cold and windy outside. Siiri's bad behavior that started with kindergarten, hasn't gotten better now that she doesn't even go there. I found a nanny for Liisa and it seemed great, but Liisa wasn't very happy about it. It seemed like Liisa just needs to get acquainted with her a little better and I gave them plenty of time for that, but it just got worse and worse. Even weeks after the nanny had been coming here 5 times a week, Liisa couldn't stand her. When the doorbell rang, Liisa clutched on the me and didn't let go of me until the nanny left hours later. I got even less done than when she had a day off. Even when I removed myself from the picture, the best that they achieved was Liisa being OK with playing on her own while the nanny is in the same room. Liisa stopped practicing walking and talking when the nanny was nearby and had a developmental regression because of that. She still got older and wiser and it's obvious she understands me better than in July-August (before the nanny came here) but she still doesn't walk.

I gave up on that nanny and decided to find another one. I still kept good relations with the current nanny so she could be our back-up nanny in case of emergencies. Now I'm meeting nanny candidates again and hopefully I'll be in a better position in a couple of weeks.

(Edited to add:) Erkki does help, as much as the circumstances allow. Unfortunately, no breast milk. Plus he has a full time job and after he comes home from work, we are so busy trying to get food on the table and the kids fed and to bed, that I can't really take that time to relax. When I go out for the night, I usually do it after 9 and then I have about 4 hours before Liisa starts giving Erkki a really hard time. That means I'm late to any party and I still have to leave early. And the amount of alcohol is limited to about 1 and a half drinks, or two if I'm feeling very brave. Not what I'd call freedom.

Being a parent from a distance is much better than being a mommy 24/7. My happiest time parenting was when I also worked full time and also had time for gym. Without that I'm just a miserable shell of a person.   I'm still working toward getting back to that situation. In the meanwhile I'll be dreaming of a prison cell, where people can have some peace and quiet, where people can exercise, read and finish a thought.

Finding a Babysitter

Finding a stranger to hire to stay at your home and spend hours and hours with your baby is really difficult. The town is full of people who think of themselves as babysitters but most of them are not good enough for me. I want to find the perfect person who wont ruin my child's mental health for her entire lifetime. I want to find someone who is sweet and caring and might have a good impact on her.  It's not impossible. It's just highly unlikely.

I have been browsing through babysitter candidates for a couple of weeks and I've met with two people, neither of whom has what it takes. I'm sure I'll find someone by the end of summer but right now I'm obsessed with doing background checks and using my intuition. I've realized that it takes very little for someone to be scratched off the candidate list. There was one person who had posted a link to her Facebook page to show her picture and she had hid almost all other information about herself. There was only one other piece of data: her relationship status. She was in a relationship with someone who had a vodka bottle in his profile picture.  It wasn't even her profile picture and it was just a "funny" picture of a drunk mouse next to a vodka bottle but suddenly there was no way that I would contact her and see if she's available.

One candidate had written a funny advertisement: on the picture she had posted, she looked like a very emo young woman, with a lip and a nose ring and added a description how she has put her turbulent past behind her or something like that.  Good for you, but you certainly ain't getting close to my kid. I have nothing against lip rings or nose rings, but I am slightly prejudice against gloomy-looking people who have them and write gloomy descriptions of themselves.

Some people mention that they don't smoke or abuse alcohol. That's nice. After I had seen several advertisements that mentioned it, I started to feel cautious about the ones that didn't mention it at all. Maybe they smoke?  I have nothing against people who smoke - I used to smoke myself - but I would never hire a babysitter who is a smoker. They would have to manage 8 hours straight without having a cigarette. They will either sneak out to have a cigarette anyway, or they will end up being very easily irritated by anything that the kid might do wrong. Alcohol abuse is a difficult problem. How can you recognize it if the candidate turns up sober on her interview?! And call me sexist, but I would never hire a man for this.

It costs a fortune to hire a full time nanny. It takes nearly as much as I make. In a way it seems a good idea to just give up on the idea and stay home and take care of Liisa myself. It's the logical thing to do. But then I won't get out. And next year won't be any better either because my situation will not have changed, so I would have to stay at home for a third year as well. After one year I feel like my life is losing it's colors. Everything is turning gray and bleak. I feel a bit hopeless about going back to work because I feel like I fail at everything, while my mind tells me that's not even true!  Then I think, WAIT A MINUTE, that's not how I felt a year ago. It's a side-effect of staying at home and succeeding at nothing. That's the hardest think about being at home - it gives no opportunities to succeed.

And  before you even say it, it's impossible to succeed at being a mother. Some mothers take pride in potty-training their kid before they're 12 months old. I think, good for you. You must have been really bored to put the kid on the pot several times a day for MONTHS before they even had bladder control or ability to signal that they have to go potty. Everyone needs a hobby, I guess, but that's certainly not how I would like to spend my time. Some people in forums confess that they actively potty-train their kid for over a year and the kid is still in diapers. There are so many things to do and try in parenting that in the end it's impossible to do everything right. Besides, some people think it's parental failure if the child doesn't do what the parents say, and other people think it's parental failure to force a child within any kind of boundaries. Even forbidding a child candy for misbehaving is seen as mental terror by some idiots.  I wish I was exaggerating. There are as many opinions as there are parents. Just as everyone is right in their own way, they are also wrong in every other way. Siiri turned out great, sure, but half the "good" parents would crucify me for how long time she has spent watching cartoons on iPad. I don't think it's too long, but if she wakes up 3 hours before we do, she has 3 hours of unrestricted cartoon time.

The long pause when I didn't write any blog posts wasn't something I knowingly did. I simply didn't have anything to say because everything seemed kind of pointless anyway. I thought it had been about 5-6 weeks, but really it was over 2 months. Weeks began and ended without any change in my life. It's difficult to describe how little children make everything seem impossible. A few days ago I was giving the kids a bath while Erkki wasn't at home. At one point I found myself in a tough spot when I realized that I forgot to wash Siiri's hair before filling the bath. I was stuck with one hand on Liisa so she wouldn't climb into the bath tub and needing two hands to wash Siiri's head. Eventually I just put her in her crib in the other room and hoped she wouldn't cry. It's not often enough that I get to do things using both my hands. Today I peeled potatoes and carrots while holding Liisa who was pulling my hair. A few days ago I made cookies. It was the simplest recipe ever and then I rolled out the dough and then Liisa started demanding that I pick her up and make her dinner in stead (while still holding her). So I picked her up and stood there watching the rolled out cookie dough warming up while the oven was already hot enough to put it in the oven. Being one-handed so often gets really demotivating over time.

Finding a babysitter isn't something I could skip. Even if I were to decide that I wouldn't go back to school/work in September, I would still need a nanny for Liisa so I can get out of this rut. I don't know anyone who doesn't work or study and who would like to babysit Liisa and who would be good at it. Even Siiri's former babysitter is at home with a baby so she can't help.  My only option is to hire someone from outside my circle of friends/relatives. The choice is really difficult and it's really difficult to tell people I will not hire them. I can't wait for this to be over.

But the kids seem unaffected by my beginning (?) burnout. Siiri learned to read a couple of weeks ago. She can read simple words but it's still difficult for her so she only reads a couple of words before she wants to do something that she's good at. She loves numbers and counting. Just yesterday we counted numbers together so that she said one number and I said the next, then she said did. We had gotten to 67 when she was distracted by something she saw. Yes, she's only 3. I'm very proud of her. And she's starting kindergarten tomorrow!!! Liisa learned to walk holding one hand. She also sometimes stands for several seconds without holding on to anything at all. When she tries to step, she loses her balance. Also, she loves meat and vegetables and she sleeps really well at night. Wakes up once of twice, eats breast milk and sleeps like a baby. She also says a couple of words. She's 10 months old. I'm very proud of her too. 

More In Life

I haven't written in a while. I haven't done much of anything else either.  About a week after my previous post (contemplating whether I want a third child some time in the future), I started to feel tired. Everything felt so unchanged and I felt more and more trapped. It started out very subtly but pretty soon I couldn't wait for Erkki's vacation to begin. I had spent too little of my time and energy on my own needs: too little social contact, too little culture, too little pampering. Kids wake up at 8-9 a.m. and finally fall asleep at about 11 p.m. Even after Erkki came home from work and helped with dinner and bed time, it still didn't mean I could relax. He couldn't either, and he's been coping very well.  He spends most of his day outside and it gives him a break from the never-changing apartment. Over time, my plants started to wilt and I became kind of irritable for a week or two. And then Erkki had a vacation and Erkki's parents helped by baby-sitting Siiri. Also, I might have found a baby-sitter for Liisa for next year and I already scheduled a couple of classes for my PhD studies. I'm becoming hopeful that maybe I won't be trapped in here forever.

After I started to feel stay-at-home mother burn out, I spent a long time continuing my contemplation how I see my life and my family in the long run. The difference between two and three children seemed to subtly increase every time I thought of it. Whenever someone mentioned traveling, I thought, "Oh, I soooo miss traveling. But with three children, people don't travel much".  When someone mentioned going to the gym, I thought, "With three children it will be a long time before I get there." There are a lot of things people with three children don't get to do much. Or (as they probably like to think) they could do, but they have "other priorities". They have to divide their time and money somehow and sometimes cool things get left below the threshold line. They still have time to go camping with the family, but they generally don't have time to go to the movies with friends. They have the resources to have a child's birthday party on the town in a play room, but it feels too expensive for the parents to have a restaurant dinner for two. Parents have the time to drive their children from one sports activity to another but they themselves don't have time for exercising. It is about priorities and limited resources, mostly limited time.

Then I tried to figure out what my priorities really are. Children and family? Yes, definitely. Career? Can't live without it. Myself? If I didn't enjoy my life, I would be bad at both family and career related tasks, so sure, my own personal interests are also a priority. I want to advance my health by exercising and I want to keep mentally growing and evolving by experiencing new locations, movies, books, and art. I can do all that with three children, but then I'd probably stay up until midnight to finish up household chores. Or I'd have to constantly tell them,  "No I don't have time to draw with you. I'm reading".  Even when I'm at home, and not spending 8 hours in the lab, I barely have enough time to manage an apartment, the children and also have time to spend with Erkki. Twenty four hours in a day just aren't enough! I've had too little time for myself for way too long. I really don't do much just for my own sake. I need to get out and experience life! But a woman's life is her dedication to her children. Nooooooooo...  Traditional family model is flawed. There is so much more in life than just baby food and deciding whether it's too windy for only one layer of clothing. I need to do something MEANINGFUL.

It's not like children aren't meaningful. I mean that the tiny problems of everyday life as a stay-home mother are not meaningful. It doesn't really matter what the children eat exactly or what they wear exactly. I remember I often made several-component puree meals for Siiri. She had one puree in the middle and another puree as a side dish and then if she didn't like it, I offered something third. Liisa gets one puree, often warmed up from the previous day or thawed or even from a jar. She eats it, likes it and grows. It really doesn't matter, as long as I don't give her pureed pizza or the same food every meal. But currently such small "problems" are my only function in life, so I can't help but treat them as serious problems. But my entire life depends on mine and the children's moods, so such small problems have a way of escalating. One time my entire day was ruined when I forgot to take an extra layer of clothing for Siiri and myself. We went through the entire hassle of going outside, walked 20 minutes, felt too cold and then had to go home. But then Siiri had a tantrum because ... - because she's three years old -  and we didn't go out again.  All that trouble for nothing. It ended up affecting the entire day.

I'm not really good at this motherhood thing. I've gotten used to changing icky diapers and I've learned to be a lot more patient but I don't feel fulfilled. I dream of proving myself at work and I feel inferior to people who are more "useful" than I am. Perhaps part of the problem is my low social status at the moment. Our family is doing well financially but none of it is my doing. I do get the parents wages, but I'm only a student so I get the minimum. (Parents wages are received 1,5 years after giving birth and the amount depends directly on the income. The maximum is set at over 2000 € per month and only one parent can claim it when they stay at home with the child.) As an unemployed PhD student, I rank just as low as a homeless drug dealer. It's starting to affect how much I value myself. Anyone can feed a baby some puree and draw pictures with a 3-year-old. Such things don't give me any real sense of achievement. It's nice not to miss out on their early development and I am glad that I do receive at least that money but I know for sure that it's only a phase and certainly not my calling.

Don't misunderstand me - I do think that the years I spend at home are worth it because it's good for children's early development to spend time in a loving environment, especially if they can spend their days with a parent, and it's also worth the time because it's a wonderful learning experience. I have learned so much about myself, being assertive, being calm, teaching, and so on. It takes a lot of different skills and a certain mindset to be a mother. Unfortunately, it will also take time to abandon the mother's mindset and to become efficient outside home. At home it's important to plan very little and to be ready for anything. Don't expect to do any activity for more than 10-20 minutes, so start with the important parts and be ready to leave any moment. And if things are left unfinished, just continue some other time. This attitude has started affecting everything I do, including the way I work in the kitchen. My surroundings are scattered with unfinished tasks and I do them all at the same time. Baking has been my way of "concentrating" on one task: melting butter while whisking eggs while searching for other components... It's actually difficult to stay on topic while writing a blog post. A couple of years ago I started writing with an idea of the entire blog post. Now I just think of a general topic and hope that the blog post appears. It's almost unbelievable to think that I actually had the opportunity to THINK about the entire blog post without being distracted.

I mentioned that I'm hopeful that I will feel less trapped in the future.  Well, that's the future in my dreams. Currently, in my life, I feel completely trapped. Even when I think about needing to go to a hair-dresser next month, I get a bit sad. I can't go on a week-day. I know where my hair-dresser is but I can't make an appointment because I don't know the number. The last three times, I waited for the perfect moment to leave Erkki with the kids and then I started going from one beauty salon to another, asking if they have time to cut my hair. I still haven't taken the time to start going to the gym because I feel sorry for Erkki who would have to carry Liisa around while trying to stay on Siiri's daily schedule (dinner, bed-time). Well, sure, I do the same when Erkki's out for the evening but Liisa is friendlier with me and plays on the floor much longer. There is constantly so much that needs to be done at home and it just feels like too much effort to add anything new to the list. Twenty four hours a day and seven days a week just aren't enough.

I would have much more energy if I got more enjoyment out of life, so I'm going back to work and also back to the gym. Liisa is ready for it and I can't wait to have lunch with colleagues from my lab group, none of whom need to be spoon-fed or reminded that I won't swap their lunch for candy.  Oh, the joys in life.

Perfect Number of Children

I have been contemplating how many children I really want.  I have 7 siblings. Growing up in a large family gave me a pretty good idea how families really look like: very social, constantly changing, chaotic and loud. I really doubted that I myself would ever aim for 8 children. Perhaps 3 or 4 children - that's not too many, right?  And having four children is much better than three, otherwise there will be "middle child syndrome". The middle child will always be too young for some benefits and too old for others while always being "old enough" for chores or obligations. I have read that parents tend to praise the first-born and pamper the youngest and forget about that middle child. With 4 children, this wouldn't be such a problem. The children would group into pairs of two oldest and two youngest and no one would feel left out. So it absolutely makes sense that 4 children is the perfect number of children. Right? Well, yes, if I wasn't fond of having hobbies or a night off or anything like that for the next several years.

Not having any children was never an option. If nothing else, I would have adopted. Otherwise I would feel like I'm missing something from my life. I guess I could have waited a few years, but the odds of having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child are greater as a younger parent, so it would have been irresponsible to procrastinate and postpone something that was inevitable anyway. Only having one child is almost like not having children at all. There would be no kids playing in the background. Only one depressed and lonely child who is forced to hang out in the adult world all alone. Having two children is nice, but when one person is away from home, it will be so quiet and empty. That's not at all how I imagined my home of the future.

I have read that four children is "a lot of work" but it's rarely explained what it means. I assumed they mean the effort of getting children fed, washed, etc. My logic had seemed very solid: when kids are a bit older, they don't need to be looked after so closely. I now realize that TIME is the biggest deficit. Even with 2 children it's suddenly so difficult to find free time. So the logic has changed into: when kids are a bit older, I wouldn't have time to look after them because I'm busy with their younger sibling. I wasn't too fond of the involuntary independence I had as a child. It would have been nice if I hadn't been so solely responsible for my life and everyday problems from quite early on. Parental guidance seems like a good idea.  But if I have half as many kids as my parents, then my children would get twice as much attention and time from their parents as I did from mine. Maybe it would be even better if there were only two of them and they got four times as much attention and time.

Erkki's opinion matters as well. We had this talk a long time before we got married. I said four, he said two. I said, "compromise: three!", he said, "let's review after the first child." and after the first child he said, "lets review after the second child", and after the second child he said, "lets discuss this another time.".  Now suddenly I was saying "okay, 3 will be enough" and he was still stuck on 2. So now the number is between 2 and 3. If a couple is between 0 and 1, then it's easy to decide what is fair they should have that one child so that their heritage is preserved. Between 1 and 2 they should go for two because most people with that experience say that it sucks to be an only child. Between 2 and 3 it's just preference. Between 3 and 4 is "ah, to hell with it - it's already so chaotic and loud that one more child won't change much.". But that means that even I admit that 3 children means chaos! Maybe that's why I prefer 3: family is supposed to be somewhat chaotic! Besides, it also makes family life dynamic and interesting.

I feel that the choice between two and three is mostly up to me because 3 is already the compromise number. If he says "2 kids" and I say "4 kids", it wouldn't be fair for him to wait a few years and add, "2 kids and that's FINAL!". But do I really want a third child? I know it's such trouble to take care of a baby/toddler, I know my life stops for a while and my career suffers. It's more difficult to travel with 3 children and it's more difficult to find a babysitter. It's also more time-consuming to drive them around when they get hobbies and it takes a lot of effort to make sure they have decent clothes. It's just so troublesome to have any children, it really is! My life would be so much easier if I just didn't have to worry about any children ever.  I would also end up sad and lonely, but it would still be an easier life. I know a person who aspires to slack off as much as possible and seeks ways to do that efficiently but most people aspire to be happy. I knew there would be no happiness without children but does it really matter if it's two or if it's three. My genes have been passed on already, why repeat the process?

I wouldn't mind being pregnant again. The second pregnancy was quite exhausting but I still felt very comfortable with pregnancy. It felt somehow so positive. You know the instant good will you feel when you hear someone is pregnant? Well, I felt that about myself, which seems weird in hindsight. It would be sad if that was my last time to ever be pregnant. Giving birth is a different story. I wouldn't want to repeat that. The  early baby time was really nice with Liisa. She really made it easy. She is very easy to calm down and she's just amazing. Siiri was an easy baby and Liisa was three times easier! She sleeps well, eats fast, has a good appetite, is active and totally adorable.  But I lost a year. Completely lost it and I can't ever get it back. I barely see my friends, I'm constantly busy with children and their food and playtime, their safety and their outdoor time. It is nice that I'm usually the first person to see their development but I don't develop at all. I'm risking mental retardation here.  I have stopped thinking about how it might look and I just go with the flow. I baby-talk with my children and it doesn't even feel unnatural anymore. Okay, to be honest, my kind of baby-talk still follows certain rules. I use real words and I simplify things a little, but I explain the world like it is. Siiri likes it when I explain bacteria to her and I'm already starting to use key phrases when talking with Liisa. But I still usually talk in such a way that even a (very smart) 3-year old could understand me and it's increasingly difficult to switch over to adult conversation. It will pass when children grow older but would I really want to go back to square one with another baby?

Due to my education and career plans, another baby couldn't possibly be planned sooner than 4-5 years from now. For some people it seems like a perfect pause between two children but to me it seems horribly wasteful. In 4-5 years I will have finally got my life back and I can go to the movies, conferences, restaurants, tropical islands... And then I ruin it all with another baby whose world breaks apart when I walk to another room. But then again, I have several female friends who are currently either single or simply don't have children yet. Maybe they'll have children in a few years and then having kids will be the social thing to do. Besides, I'll have more opportunity to pay attention to the third child when older children are a bit older and no one will feel left out. But I won't be able to travel for years and I will have to spend a lot of time at home.

And just to make it clear, with each child I lose years of my life. Not only because of the time dedicated to only them, but also the time when I'm so stretched thin with all the toddler care topics in my "free time" that I barely get to concentrate at work. I miss the freedom to stay in the laboratory until late evening.   I won't have that for years to come. Having a family is such a disadvantage in science.

In every logical way, it makes sense to stop at two. We'd have more time, money, easier life, I'd have a better career, we can buy nicer cars, stay at better hotels, travel to nicer places and the list goes on and on. There is no reason to have a third child, especially after several years of pause when the girls are already becoming quite independent. So why can't I really picture a future with only two children. Why do I keep making excuses to fit another child into my life. To be fair, I can't picture it with three children either because I keep imagining all the things I've lost because of that one choice. Not being able to make up my mind is really stressing me out. I won't have the answer until 4-5 years from now. Of course I know that nature and health can't be planned, so any plans might be changed at the last minute. I'm leaning towards three. Feel free to comment and discuss whether it's better to have more children or less.

Lack of Life but Fun

My life is standing still while I get to observe Siiri and Liisa change every month or week or even every day. Some skills are learned gradually while most skills come as a surprise. I didn't know Siiri knew any numbers in English before she just listed ten first numbers. It took weeks for Liisa to learn to crawl and then move on all fours but only one hour of professional exercise was needed for her to become twice as fast. One day I was worried that she will go to the other end of the room when I turn around for a few seconds, then she had one hour of a baby exercising and the next day she needed as much time to go to the other room. One more hour of exercise later she started pulling herself up every chance she got. She just turned 8 months and she can already pull herself up and stand!   Amazing physical development! There's usually a balance between physical and mental development: baby is either talking or walking early. I'm not too worried about her being early in physical development and late with her mental development because at 7 months old, she started saying "mommy" (emme). She hasn't quite decided what it means: mother or milk or "something good", but she definitely says it deliberately and sometimes repeats it after me. 

Siiri's sleeping has gotten a lot better. She usually sleeps at our bed now. Here I must admit that my views on co-sleeping have changed. It's a perfectly good way to get as much sleep as possible. I feed Liisa in bed and usually fall asleep while I feed her at night, so she sleeps in our bed very often. Now how can we tell Siiri that Liisa can sleep in our bed, but she has to sleep all the way in another room at the other end of the apartment, all alone. We can't tell her that without excluding her and being totally unfair. I still think it was a good idea to put Siiri in her own room when she was 6 months old. Otherwise she always woke up when we went to sleep and then it was not at all easy to cradle her back to sleep. When she slept in her own room, me and Erkki could at least talk before falling asleep. But now Siiri often sleeps in our room and seems a lot less stressed. Perhaps it gives her a sense of belonging to the family. It is way too crowded in our bed - it's just not meant for 4 people!  - but Siiri falls asleep quite easily and lately hasn't had many night terrors.

Liisa falls asleep super easily. I never cradle her to sleep. I refuse to do it after Siiri had gotten so dependent on it that we had to do it several times per night. Well, except if you count the times when I use Ergo Baby carrier to carry Liisa around until she falls asleep. That's the Plan B when we have visitors and Liisa is over-tired.  I don't want to spend much time in the other room just reading the news on my phone next to Liisa even though I know she would finally fall asleep. But that's how I usually do it: I only have to lay by her side and she falls asleep. It never works for Erkki. He does have to cradle her if he wants her to fall asleep. You might think - sure, it makes sense because he doesn't have milk. Actually it's not about the milk. When she has already eaten, she lays next to me, peeks to make sure it's really me, and then closes her eyes and soon falls asleep without any fuss. With Erkki, she opens her eyes, looks at Erkki and gets annoyed that I'm nowhere in sight.   She's a really low-maintenance baby when she's with me, but she sometimes gives other people a hard time. She's very attached to me and it will be difficult for me to go back to school in September.

Learning to drive is going well. We still haven't given up and haven't crashed any cars. The entire first driving lesson I drove around in an empty parking lot. And I've actually finishes most of the obligatory amount of lessons three years ago. It wasn't about not being able to drive. I was simply not willing drive on the road after my previous experience with it. The second lesson started off in another empty parking lot where I was making circle after circle, testing breaks, getting used to using the correct lights and trying to get used to sitting "in the wrong seat". The ever patient driving instructor commented that we should to circles to the other side as well. I did that. Circle. Circle. Bigger circle... He looked like he was suppressing a yawn and finally asked me, "Shall we go on the road now?". "Okay, lets go." Oh my god, I was so nervous when I drove where he told me to drive and I was trying not to panic. Surprisingly, he commented very little. He observed, advised and answered questions but there was no constant nagging, differently from my first driving instructor. It occasionally even feels good to drive. Now I've had a few lessons and last time I was already driving completely different kinds of circles - traffic circles! I even drove on one of the scariest circles in Tartu. I drove out of my lane once but didn't kill anyone.  That has to count for something.

Driving school has one big flaw. It takes up a lot of time. It's basically 6 hours per week of extra time. Erkki's parents help during the theory classes and we take turns with the driving lessons. Erkki has his lesson first, then finishes in front of our home, he comes up to our apartment, I go down and get in the car for my lesson. This way we don't need to find a babysitter for each driving lesson and kids are never left unsupervised.

Other than learning to drive, occasionally going to the doctor or dentist and rare social events, my life is totally on hold. I have so little time to think about it that I'm not too sad. It's just a grim reality, why feel sadness. I just try to take the most of my current situation. I've pretty much mastered sweet yeast dough and even my 50% graham flour dough rises almost as well. Soon it will be rhubarb pie season again. All my creative energy goes into purees! "How about oat-apple-plum for breakfast? And cabbage-beef.... and carrots!.... and... potatoes? Cabbage-beef-carrot-potato! She'll love it."  Liisa eats quite well and she drinks water very well, which is very useful. Making purees takes a lot of time but it's good not to depend on jars of puree that I can't even pick out myself (because usually Erkki goes to the grocery store).

Siiri got accepted into a kindergarten which is quite close to our home. She'll start in august. She's very excited about it even though she's still very suspicious of boys. She's convinced that "boy" doesn't want to do anything that she considers fun and she even says that she wants to make "boy" cry. She wants to pick up "boy" and throw him and make him sad. Me and Erkki have no idea which boy she really means but she always makes an exception to boys who are friendly and she sometimes mistakes inconsiderate little girls for boys. I wonder when I should show her drawing of body parts to explain that "boy" isn't synonymous with "inconsiderate or annoying child". Siiri's tendency to sometimes mistake boys and girls makes me think that perhaps we did something right. When Siiri sees a little person with a blue shirt playing football, she doesn't assume that it must be a boy because of stereotype. ( = two boys sparring?)

I keep talking about one kid or the other one, but what do I do in my free time... In my VERY little free time... As meaningless things as possible. Anything that still leaves me free to just get up and react to the situation at home. On special occasions I play Mass Effect 3 but last time I fell asleep  with the Xbox remote in my hands after 15 minutes of game time. Yes, preserving my life has currently completely failed. I have no life at the moment. I just hover from month to month, enjoying the chaotic yet strict schedule of nap-times and puree meals and baths and dishes. It will be a wasted year, but not at all a bad one.