How do I write about my life if I'm just drifting from week to week, just observing where life takes me. Usually I like to take an active role in it but for a while it was better not to analyze and just keep up with the fast pace of everything.
We wrote a review article in a peer reviewed journal. 
That was super cool. At first it seemed impossible, then I started working on it and realized how much help I really need from other people on this project and it was discouraging. Then I tried to work super hard and it still seemed impossible, but only in the "super challenging and highly ambitious" way. Well, finally we did it. I feel kind of proud that we did it, but even more I feel grateful to other people involved, for compensating for my lack of experience with writing scientific articles.
That was super cool. At first it seemed impossible, then I started working on it and realized how much help I really need from other people on this project and it was discouraging. Then I tried to work super hard and it still seemed impossible, but only in the "super challenging and highly ambitious" way. Well, finally we did it. I feel kind of proud that we did it, but even more I feel grateful to other people involved, for compensating for my lack of experience with writing scientific articles.
Our nanny issues are finally getting resolved. I haven't discussed them so much in here, but I have bitched about it to almost everyone I know. 
So basically when I started going to work in September, when Liisa was 11 and a half months old, we had a hard time finding a babysitter that she would be okay with. We met with about 3 carefully selected people and then hired a nanny but Liisa didn't get used to her so we ended it and met with more candidates. Finally we hired a person who has a child herself and Liisa was friendly with her from the beginning. She has been the nanny for almost a year. During that time there have been small annoyances that get worse over time. Like having her kid stay over much longer than I liked, not using the safety belt of the swing outside our house, often surprising us with text messages that she can't come to work because of some good excuse. 
The excuses sounded very solid but she missed almost one day per week. Nanny and Liisa didn't always make it outside even when the weather was nice and sometimes when I gave Liisa over in her pajamas (in our home), I returned several hours later and she was still in her pajamas. It was even more annoying to find Siiri still in her pajamas since she can dress herself if only someone gives her the clothes. And, weirdly, most annoying, I started to notice that she tried to butter me up on pay days. That's when the kids had their hair combed nicely and the floor had been wiped and then she even told me in a sweet-as-honey tone of voice, "Oh, I wiped the floor to make your life easier.". I should have probably been happy, and a part of me was, of course. But another part of me felt very tense from that amount of manipulation.
So basically when I started going to work in September, when Liisa was 11 and a half months old, we had a hard time finding a babysitter that she would be okay with. We met with about 3 carefully selected people and then hired a nanny but Liisa didn't get used to her so we ended it and met with more candidates. Finally we hired a person who has a child herself and Liisa was friendly with her from the beginning. She has been the nanny for almost a year. During that time there have been small annoyances that get worse over time. Like having her kid stay over much longer than I liked, not using the safety belt of the swing outside our house, often surprising us with text messages that she can't come to work because of some good excuse. The excuses sounded very solid but she missed almost one day per week. Nanny and Liisa didn't always make it outside even when the weather was nice and sometimes when I gave Liisa over in her pajamas (in our home), I returned several hours later and she was still in her pajamas. It was even more annoying to find Siiri still in her pajamas since she can dress herself if only someone gives her the clothes. And, weirdly, most annoying, I started to notice that she tried to butter me up on pay days. That's when the kids had their hair combed nicely and the floor had been wiped and then she even told me in a sweet-as-honey tone of voice, "Oh, I wiped the floor to make your life easier.". I should have probably been happy, and a part of me was, of course. But another part of me felt very tense from that amount of manipulation.
Actually, even worse was her relationship with Siiri. I got the feeling that she didn't really get along with her. Siiri certainly didn't like the nanny very much. When we first started, we had a deal that the pay is the same, regardless of whether there is only Liisa or also Siiri. A couple of months ago it was already very clear that the nanny winced whenever she found out that Siiri was ill and would also be staying at home. The nanny then initiated a talk that the job is much harder with two children and perhaps I could consider a higher pay for the time when there are two children. Okay, maybe then she will make more of an effort to also pay attention to Siiri. I started to pay her 20% more for taking care of two kids. 
Now her salary for minding two children was above regular fee for being a nanny. And you know what - it changed nothing. When Siiri started to cough and we told the nanny that Siiri is staying home (but they can still go outdoors if the weather is nice) the nanny TOTALLY winced! Then I thought, any pay is too much for that attitude.
Now her salary for minding two children was above regular fee for being a nanny. And you know what - it changed nothing. When Siiri started to cough and we told the nanny that Siiri is staying home (but they can still go outdoors if the weather is nice) the nanny TOTALLY winced! Then I thought, any pay is too much for that attitude.
I'm totally fed up with looking for nannies so in stead of looking for another daytime nanny, I applied for a private kindergarten place for Liisa and we got it. YAY!!! 
Liisa can now go and play with other kids and there is no chance that she will be running around in her pajamas the entire day. She's starting right after our vacation, just before August. I am so relieved.
Liisa can now go and play with other kids and there is no chance that she will be running around in her pajamas the entire day. She's starting right after our vacation, just before August. I am so relieved.
Anyway, if you have small children, there are never enough nannies. We also have a nanny who sometimes takes care of the kids in the evening (during our Dungeons and Dragons game nights), but often cancels. She can sometimes come over when our other nanny cancels. We also have wonderful help from Erkki's parents with whom the kids (or at least Siiri) spend a night almost every week. I also have two sisters who live close enough to be able to help when all else fails during an emergency. And still we need another nanny or two. Right now I don't even dare to dream of taking up exercising again and we so often miss game nights and every week me and Erkki have to decide whether we spend our free night socially or just the two of us. We would like to do both, so we need more free nights, hence we need more nannies.
We interviewed a nanny candidate a couple of days ago and it was very promising. A 20-year old young woman, giving off really friendly vibe and was saying perfect things like, "my evenings are mostly free" and she looked delighted when I told her that we should make plans for next week. 
It really seemed like she's a responsible young woman who would be really happy with a part time job that is mostly in the evenings and lasts for a longer time (not only until the end of the summer). If she had a family of her own, I'd feel guilty about robbing her away for evenings but now it seemed like it would be an ideal arrangement for both of us.
It really seemed like she's a responsible young woman who would be really happy with a part time job that is mostly in the evenings and lasts for a longer time (not only until the end of the summer). If she had a family of her own, I'd feel guilty about robbing her away for evenings but now it seemed like it would be an ideal arrangement for both of us.
I also have an update about kids but I'll leave that for the next blog post or this post would be too long to read casually.
It really is! This has been the longest winter I can remember. It looked like ice age for a while. When the calendar hinted that we could go out looking for the first flowers, it was still minus 10 degrees (Celsius) outside, freezing and windy! I was suddenly much more interested in weather broadcasts. I usually just look out the window, but the weather broadcast I got from looking out the window was always, "the winter is never going to end. Give up already.", so every morning I looked at one week weather broadcast on my phone to see if the weather will change any time soon. For weeks the weather broadcast said that winter will end next week and every time it was a false alarm. Three days before it was supposed to be getting warm, they changed the broadcast to "-3 to 0, possibly snowing" but now the spring is finally here! 
Yay!
Usually I dread those tasks that never seem to get resolved. It doesn't matter how many times I tuck them in, they still have to be tucked in the next day and each day after that until they're teenagers. Today when I came home, Liisa and Siiri were just so adorable and they did all the perfect things. Liisa was cute and ticklish, mischievously stole my hair band and hid it around her wrist. Siiri had a conversation with me, about kindergarten and how all the girls are pretty but none of the boys are pretty. She also managed to answer some complex math questions. I asked her, if she took a piece of dough and cut it in half and cut those pieces in three, how many pieces would she have, and she said, six. She'll be four years old in one month. Liisa and Siiri were having such a good time tonight so I didn't mind that they stayed up for an hour longer than the time we usually aim for. 
From the floor she wouldn't reach that high even with her hands stretched up but she wouldn't let such a small detail as danger of falling stop her from climbing as high as possible. Some time later I stopped her from "jumping" on the edge of the bed. She can't really jump but she likes to practice. She also likes to sit at the edge of things with her back towards the edge. Seems like an easy mistake to make, but the does it on purpose. She shifts closer to the edge and then peeks behind her if she still has room to spare and then looks away and tries again. Her wild eyes look high on adrenaline when she does such things. A few days ago I found her standing in a corner surrounded by a sofa and an armchair. The only way she could have got there is by sliding herself over the armrest of the armchair. Later she even demonstrated it by repeating it over and over again. The armrest is as high as Liisa's neck when she stands next to it.
Another time she was sitting on a dining chair meant for grown-ups and then started rocking her legs over the edge. I warned her to be more careful, so she grabbed on to the side of the dining table, briefly stared at me with a defiant look in her eyes, slid her ass over the edge of the chair and landed on her feet and then her bottom thumped on the floor. She got up, mumbled enthusiastically and climbed on another dining chair. Liisa has much better dexterity than I expected at her age and she really needs it with all the crazy things she tries all the time. She doesn't fall nearly as often and I would have feared. Anyway it doesn't matter if it's a really careful kid like Siiri or an adrenaline junkie in diapers like Liisa, kids sometimes fall either way. Actually they fall about as often. Siiri was careful but rather clumsy, Liisa is dexterous but reckless.
Nighty night.
or 
Then I concentrated and thought of the good things: Siiri being really polite and smart, being pleased with knowing something that she shouldn't know at her are, Liisa being super cute in a truly devious way, laughing so hard that she almost falls over as she escapes and runs around the corner in only her diapers. 
The first thoughts made me feel how I really wish I could spend as little time at home as possible, whereas the positive thoughts made me feel much love toward my children.
She loves it. A couple of Fridays, I have picked up Siiri from kindergarten early to spend time with her alone. We went to the Library and we went ice skating. I would like to have long conversations with her but aside from using me as a walking Google ("what's an ambulance? What's a doctor? Why?") she usually just wants to listen to silence together. I don't think the time we spend together on those Fridays is enough to negate all the bad times we have had at home but it's slowly making a difference in how Siiri behaves with me. 
And it really must be making some difference, because I actually started writing this post about a month ago and I had to delete huge chunks of it because my emotions had already changed too much to agree with what I had written.
and now I'm checking Liisa several times a day to see if she caught the infection or not. Tomorrow Siiri is going back to kindergarten and she seems happy about it. I am really busy at work. I am giving a presentation at the institute seminar (oh gosh!), I'm helping organize a workshop about transgenic plants (4 hours!!!), I have several scientific projects in progress (gas exchange and molecular level isolations and analyses) and I'm perhaps also writing a review article (I'm most excited and worried about this one).
Women are supposed to find their ability to truly love someone when they see their children and suddenly all else becomes pointless. A true woman's life goal is to raise children and devote herself to their well-being. In the common myth, they devote themselves entirely and they enjoy it. They find pleasure in everything that their child does and they are sad if the child does bad things. Never angry, never annoyed. Just happy and loving everything about it. They only regret when they have to spend time apart from the child, but they never regret the time they spend away from the hobbies and friends they had before.
I was reading articles about motherhood a few nights ago and the titles all focused on this version of truth, they were about career women having children and some quote was taken out of context, about how much pleasure the children really are, enforcing the view that children bring true happiness and are a pleasure to take care of. Women in their late thirties saying that they wouldn't change motherhood for anything else in the whole world. It gives the impression as if motherhood itself is enjoyable. Which means those people really enjoy the time they spend at home, taking care of little children. 
Majority of that time is cleaning, changing clothes, washing the child, preparing food, and playing with the child. I kinda like playing with my children and teaching them new things. I dislike all the rest of it. And really - do you know any woman who gets true pleasure in doing those other chores? If yes, is she sane? 
Maybe if I was diligent and energetic, I wouldn't mind the chores and I would spend my energy on loving the kids. Generally, my laziness is nicely balanced with my ambitiousness and my enjoyment at reaching my goals, but at home, there are no goals. It's just monotonous grind: clean the table, wash the kid, change the clothes. It's so mind numbing The wonderful things that children do give it some meaning and purpose but all in all, I wouldn't say it's enjoyable.
I'm pretty good at making pastry and I can make several kinds of cookies. I've also made gingerbread cookies, but I still like store-bought cookies more. In about November, I thought I will try to improve my gingerbread cookie recipe this year. Last year the recipe was already quite good, but not the best.
The classic Swedish blend is cinnamon and ginger, roughly equal amounts. American blend is ginger (2-3 tsp), cinnamon (1-3 tsp, equal to or less than ginger), allspice (1/2-2 tsp, less than cinnamon), cloves (just a little, about 1/4 tsp). Sometimes nutmeg or rarely even black pepper is added. Estonian blend is VERY different. It's typical to see black pepper, cinnamon and cloves. Everything else can be omitted and even those are optional. Some spices have to be added, otherwise gingerbread cookie will just be a "cookie" in stead and that's boring and plain. But really, there doesn't seem to be any clear pattern in what spices to add to get a good old traditional Estonian gingerbread cookie.
"Oh Liisa, I didn't notice, it's already your bed time. Now to sleep?" and she gets up, points to the bedroom, mutters something and starts walking there. It seems like she can not pronounce the words she would like to say. Everything ends up sounding like grumbling and mumbling. Liisa is getting along very well with the babysitter, but Siiri and the babysitter haven't really clicked. Okay, sure, I told the babysitter at the job interview, that she will be primarily Liisa's babysitter because Siiri will be in kindergarten most of the time, but when she's ill, she will also need babysitting. But now it seems like Siiri gets more real attention in kindergarten than at home with the babysitter, even though the babysitter only has 2 kids to take care of, while in kindergarten, there are 19 children for 2 teachers. Like today - I hastily tied Siiri's hair in the morning and if hadn't been touched until 4 pm when I came home. She was also wearing pajamas and I can only hope that they simply hadn't had time to change after the afternoon nap. Alternatively she wore pajamas the entire day. The babysitter had cleaned the kitchen area very well, but she should have spent the time and energy on Siiri in stead. 
When I'm in the lab, there is always so much to do and time runs out all too fast. But when I'm at home, I find myself counting hours to bedtime, although I know it won't help because tomorrow is just as bad. Time at home is usually just tasks to keep the children occupied and in schedule, with little quality time and very little sense of freedom.
Then I learned to become passive aggressive and now I've learned to become numb. When Siiri has a tantrum, I shut myself down mentally. I force myself to stay calm. I've also learned new behavior when having conversations with children. By nature, I'm a very frank person. Before, when a child did something unimpressive (e.g. draw an ugly picture or sing badly) and they came to me seeking praise, I just smiled awkwardly and hoped they go away. 
Now I have learned to fake emotions much better. I can have repetitive conversations with pretended enthusiasm. How many times can you answer the same questions without resorting to "Who cares?! Besides, I've already told you!". Well, I've answered some questions dozens of times.
I'd be okay with being a father of 4. Coming home after a busy day at work, greeting the kids, helping out at home and collecting social points for anything I do at home. When a man walks outside with a baby, he gets praise from everyone, if it's a woman, it's just expected of her anyway. It's the same with so many tasks I can't even count them. If the living room floor isn't vacuumed (and is really dirty), it's the wife who is held responsible, even if the husband and wife work equal hours and the vacuuming is the husband's chore. I'm not any better either. When I saw some dust in someone else's home, I suddenly assumed, "she's probably really busy". I'm kind of ashamed that I didn't think "they are busy" or even "he is busy"?
I'm starting to wonder if prisoners have more freedom than mothers! At least they can read books and have their own thoughts and opinions and emotions! If the tasks of motherhood were really written down, I'm sure they would violate all work laws (work and rest time balance, chance to finish a meal, even opportunity to go to the bathroom or to wash up). I suspect, at times, the tasks of motherhood would also violate human rights (not allowed to sleep, being mistreated and screamed at, sometimes even attacked physically). I'm only talking at what the kids do. Erkki is great. Simply, I often wish he was the mother so I had the social right not to notice when Liisa needs new clothes or Siiri needs a picture for kindergarten or the carpet needs to be vacuumed. Because I really would have better things to do, but I can't! I don't have time to spend on myself so I'm becoming less and less of a person. I feel myself disapprearing and my worth decreasing. I used to be an active person, now I just tend to the kids and I'm bad at the obligations that the kindergarten expects of me. I hope I'm not the only MOTHER who hasn't yet sent a picture of Siiri so they can put it in their birthday calendar. OMG, they found yet another task for women to do, so they'd have less attention to think about their work and also another reason to feel like a failure.
time dealing with kids. I'm tired of it. I'm optimistic when I walk to the lab and I get more and more gloomy when I walk home and think of entertaining kids until it's dinner time and time to put them to bed. Siiri and Liisa are great, except for temper tantrums and such, but it's crazy how much work it is to maintain them! If both me and Erkki are at home with kids for one day, we only get a few hours of time when one of us can take a break. If only one is at home, then there will be moments where it's impossible to get everything done and there isn't a moments rest when even one kid is awake. Besides, there are so many temper tantrums, I've become afraid doing anything with Siiri and I get tense if she even raises her voice a little. 
It's sometimes such a struggle not to scream back.
Currently, I just hope my life doesn't get worse. I try to block out the horrors of everyday life, the lack of mental stimulation, the inability to actually get anything done. I try to forget how little enjoyment I get out of life and how much effort it takes to get even a little enjoyment. I just wait for the day to end and I hope that the next one will be a little less pointless. All those movies of cheerful blissfully happy stay-at-home mothers are just a delusion. I can't imagine how anyone could really enjoy such a life for longer than a few months. One year is just stretching the limits of sanity. One year and one months is past that limit. I'm going crazy being stuck in here.
I'm still working toward getting back to that situation. In the meanwhile I'll be dreaming of a prison cell, where people can have some peace and quiet, where people can exercise, read and finish a thought.