Board Games

I think it's quite unexpected that board games have become a part of my life. It's not like there's anything REALLY wrong with board games... Or actually there is. Board games are amazingly antisocial. It's the perfect way to hang out with people without worrying about what to talk about because it's impossible to really talk about anything meaningful while playing a board game. Playing fills in all the awkward silence moments so any topic will do and none of them are even really discussed. Imagine you start talking about a movie, "I went to the cinema last week - your turn - and I saw a comedy- that's MY avatar - with Brad Pitt. - my turn already?". The only benefit with such horrible conversation atmosphere is that whenever you realize you started talking about a boring topic, you can just stop talking and no one will even notice.

In a way having board games in my life makes me feel old. When I was 18 I really protested against people bringing a board game to a perfectly good party. We had these really loud parties - cocktails, beer, sauna, Rammstein playing in the back, lights are dim and people are jumping up and down and vigorously headbanging. Now that's what I call a party! Until someone brought along Alias or Trivia (popular board games). You can just imagine someone coming to that sort of a party with their own requests, "It's too dark to read the cards so can we please turn on the lights? And turn down the music, we can't play like this. And you can't dance here - we're playing here!". I developed a dislike for board games very early on. I concluded that board games are for people who are too boring to really party, or well, you know, for OLD people*.

Now that I can't really party like that anymore (because I'm old), board games have become an ideal excuse to invite people over. I love to invite people over and have a fun social event. One problem though - when you get a bunch of people in the same room and create the worse possible conditions for conversation, is it really a social event anymore? Compared to sitting at home and visiting Internet forums, I'd say the answer is YES, a board game evening is indeed a social event. Still, I usually prefer simple dinner parties to board game evenings.

One game redeemed board games for me - Arkham Horror. You see, with most board games there's only one winner and a bunch of losers. Doesn't really help create a sense of a united group of friends. However, with Arkham Horror either everyone's a winner or everyone's a loser. All players work together for a common cause. After Arkham Horror Erkki found us another cool game - Pandemic, which might actually be my favourite board game. Not because it's better than Arhkam Horror, because it's not better. I like it more because I always enjoy playing it. It's pointless and repetitive and I've only ever played it with one other couple. They're great people but they have quite different background from mine. We don't share common hobbies so we don't really have common topics for discussion. And this right here is the only situation when board games are the best activity - I get to hang out with them while avoiding all those awkward moments when we run out of small talk.

So perhaps board games can be called "social training wheels". Makes a lot of sense if you think about the major board games - more specifically role-playing games, like Dungeons and Dragons. Plenty of socially inexperienced geeks find friends by playing role-playing games. Don't think I'm pointing my finger at any of my friends here. I myself found nearly all of my social network in Tartu through role-playing. Excellent way to meet smart people.

As social training wheels, I feel board games are quite pointless to play with friends. I can even offer a real-live observation that supports this idea. My friends happily get together every week to play a role-playing game and it's a common problem that people just start to discuss out-of-game topics and simply forget to play the game. Game provided an excuse to get together and it seems they mostly do it for company. The game is very intriguing and my friends are curious to experience what happens next but it really is an effort to keep out-of-game talk to a minimum.

All this combined, the perfect board game event goes like this: people are invited together to play a board game but then they have so much to talk about that people forget to play the game.

Baby update: The frequent wake-ups got so tedious that I put her on an eating schedule during the day. The logic behind it is to get her used to eating less often so she doesn't get that hungry during the night. I started using the practical schedule my mother mentioned a long time ago and I feed the baby at 9, 12, 15, 18 and 21 o'clock. At night I kept to the same 3-hour pattern although I won't wake her up if she misses a meal. So while she woke up every hour asking for food, I only fed her every third time. I started this on Monday and I saw real progress in a couple of nights already. And then she got ill. She had a one-night-only 38.0 degrees Celsius fever but because of a stuffy nose she woke up ALL THE TIME. I only got 4 hours of disrupted sleep three nights in a row. Then she got better and she really does sleep three hour stretches in between feedings. I'm trying not to get my hopes up after only two good nights but I'm really happy about getting some sleep.

I also introduced my own version of good-night porridge yesterday. The ready made brands in the store all had fruits Siiri hasn't tested or they contained gluten which I also haven't introduced to her diet yet. I found a baby rice porridge powder with no additives. I mixed it with some water and a little extra virgin olive oil to produce a bland oily greenish goo. It looked quite horrible and it's not what I'd call food but surprisingly it tasted much better than potato puree and Siiri liked it.

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* "old" people - all settled down and living a grown-up life, often with a family. It's not about age. It's about life stage.

Like Bootcamp

I have seriously not been this sleep deprived since the time I was writing my bachelor's thesis. All sound is fuzzy, eyes have a hard time focusing and my thought process seems to have a lag compared to the rest of the world. Occasionally when I close my eyes I feel myself drifting towards dreamworld. If my calculation is correct I got about three hours of sleep last night.

Apparently baby sleep comes and goes. I remember she slept so well when she was 3 months old but then a horrible vaccine shot ruined that (I'm still pro-vaccines in case you're wondering ). Then there was the 4-month sleep regression, then teething and a stuffy nose. None of those were pleasant but at least the reasons were understandable. After the second tooth appeared everything was perfect... for a few days. And then it got worse (understatement of the month).

The cute little baby who used to sleep 8 hours straight now wakes up, no exaggeration, as often as 8 times in an hour. Even I can barely imagine that. I was standing by her bed not bothering to lie down until she woke up crying. With a little help she fell asleep in less than a minute. A couple of minutes later it all repeated. Occasionally I thought, "now she's really asleep" and tried to lie down. The wood inside my bed creaked and baby woke up again. This happened three times in a row. And when I finally did manage to fall asleep baby woke me up 20 minutes later. I could barely believe my good fortune when I once got almost 1.5 hours of undisturbed sleep.

Of course since it's me I can't just sit by and watch her steal my sleep. I need to know what the reason is so perhaps I can solve the problem and go back to nice long nights. At first I thought it was just a frequent eating habit from when she was teething. As a solution I tried my best to feed her as rarely as possible to get the eating schedule back on track. It usually works but this time it didn't. Baby still woke up just as often and sometimes even 30 minutes after a long feeding. Hunger wasn't the thing that was waking her up. Then I assumed it must be her 6-month growth spurt. Maybe she FEELS LIKE she is hungry even when she's not. Growth spurt would have the opposite solution so I tried feeding her as often as possible for the growth spurt to pass. This didn't help either. In fact it made things even worse because the frequent eating disturbed her sleep even further. I considered letting her cry herself to sleep a few night in a row but I felt too sorry for the neighbours. I was out of ideas so it was Google to the rescue!

The new theory is separation anxiety. She wakes up horrified that her parents are no where to be seen and starts crying. When we console her it reassures her that she wasn't left alone so she falls asleep only to wake up again just a moment later. Separation anxiety starts when baby realizes she is not attached to her mother and the mother could just leave without warning. It shows that the baby is reaching an understanding of self hood. According to Wikipedia it starts at around 8 months so perhaps Siiri is just extra smart. (Positive thinking!) Other websites say separation anxiety starts at around 6 months which further shows that this might explain the situation. Solution for nighttime separation anxiety is very NOT ME as it's very passive. It will go away on it's own in a few weeks... or months... or usually at least when the child is three years old.

Baby update: On Saturday, 6 months and 4 days old, Siiri learned to crawl backwards. One time she really wanted to reach a toy just in front of her. Me and Erkki were observing with amusement because it ALMOST seemed like she had a plan to get that toy but she kept getting distracted by other fun stuff around her. She turned 180 degrees, crawled closer (feet first), then turned 180 degrees and reached directly toward the toy. She's no quitter and she got the toy.

Two is Better than One

This has been the longest I haven't written a post in this blog, even longer than when I was having a baby. One week was totally nuts here. Erkki was abroad because of his work and I was alone with the baby for 5 days. It would have been fine except I had a bit of a cold and baby was STILL teething. And to top it off, they had just turned the clock (daylight savings time) so that baby's sleep pattern was all messed up. I tried to get her to follow her previous nap schedule and she kept waking nearly every hour at night. On Thursday I finally gave in. I threw baby's nap schedule out the window and spent my energy on shushing her during the night. It only took one night for baby to stop waking up so often. The next night she was doing 3-4 hour stretches and was a much happier baby during the day. I think I managed surprisingly well but my mind was very scattered, hence no post.

The tooth finally showed itself this Saturday. Ah, I'm so relieved. It made me glad, but apparently not as much as baby. She was giggling three days straight. If she was a little older I would have started to look for pot.

My science stuff just hits one iceberg after another. My progress isn't really what I'd be proud of but I'm keeping it afloat. The entire project has had a few setbacks which makes it feel like I'm where I was a year ago. I just gotta suck it up, ignore this feeling and just keep on going until something comes out of it - anything, either good or bad. I wouldn't want to write a bad article but postponing won't make it any better, that's for sure.



Baby Update: at her 6-month check-up baby was 8160g and 66cm. I wonder who designs baby clothing!? Most of her clothing is size 68/72 and tends to be too short for her. Doctor was very pleased with her development - baby rolls to stomach and back, crawls 360 degrees, but not much forward. She has two lower middle teeth. She has tried cauliflower, zucchini, apple, potato, carrot. Carrot is her favourite so far. She made a "ewwwwww"-face at cauliflower and potato but happily ate the rest of them.

Me and Erkki picked out an adorable eating chair and ordered it. I also found cool baby food bowls which open up and I can add warm water inside them so it keeps baby food warm. A nifty gadget I just had to have. Uhm, I mean, BABY had to have...

All Sorts of Sitting

There's a common belief among Estonian doctors and mothers that babies shouldn't be allowed to sit until they are able to do this completely without help. She must not sit with or without support until she goes into sitting position on her own. That happens around 7 or 8 months of age. I'm bringing this up because I was reading about starting the baby on real food and a leading Estonian pediatrician said that at 4-6 months baby should be able to sit with support and that's when it's the right time to start with real food. So what is it - can she sit or not? Google to the rescue! This is how Americans see it: "...head control is essential to sitting independently, and sitting is the key to crawling, standing, and learning to walk."(Babycenter) So basically it's another topic where everyone's an expert. Estonian mothers say, "sitting has no importance in over-all physical development. The later she learns the better!" and American mothers say, "sitting is an important milestone. Help your baby learn it so she can learn to crawl.". And all this time I have been really nervous if baby gets to sit even for a few seconds.

Another sitting I wanted to mention is babysitting. I have a brand new babysitter. I found her with Google within only minutes so I was quite nervous how good she can be. She has no previous experience with such small babies and she's pretty young (22 years) but she loves children and has found a calling in babysitting. We started with three hours of seeing how the baby reacts to her. I was also at home in another room - ready to feed her or calm her down. Long story short: It went great. Babysitter has a very melodic high-pitch voice and adamant determination to play with Siiri the entire time, except during naps. Babysitter moves toys in front of her, does funny faces and funny sounds and baby loves it. She spent more time smiling than she normally does during the entire day. She occasionally got nervous when she hadn't seen me for a while but she only needed a glimpse to see that I'm still nearby. The next time babysitter came Siiri gave her a smile the moment babysitter arrived. We made a deal for twice a week for three hours.

Yay to the babysitter!

I had the weirdies revelation the other day: People come in different shapes and sizes! You're probably thinking something like, "Really? That's your big revelation? You're joking, right?". But I'm not. I had heard it before but I had no reason to believe it because it doesn't really apply to young people. Young women all have similar bodies, except they range from very thin to very fat. Boob size seemed the only body part that's not completely dependant on weight. In commercials there is only one size: thin and athletic with big boobs. It was easy to envy those who are thinner and more athletic. A few days ago I was in Bodycombat and looked around me. A gym full of 20-40 year old women and a couple of men. I had never really noticed but no two bodies looked alike. It wasn't just small hips versus wide hips. Some hips looked round, some oval, some looked square, some went on to legs without any transition, some seemed to stand apart from the rest of the body. And then I looked at the mirror and decided I like my shape. All the different shaped body parts actually go together well and there suddenly wasn't another woman in the vicinity whose body I'd rather have.

I love my new hobby! I bake pies. Lots of pies. Different pies! Yumm! We bought a book called "100 pies, Book 3". It has about 120 cake or pie recipes. I would have thought it's supposed to have 100 of them but I'm glad they didn't want to leave any of them out. Me and Erkki take turns in choosing which pie to bake. They're all very fattening and sweet. Many of them have berries or fruit or chocolate and nearly all the recipes have either butter or whipped cream. But that right here is an excellent reason to bake a pie. NONE of the recipes says, "Take a stick of low quality margarine and mix it with everlasting fruit flavored jam." It's all real ingredients and all real result. That has been my general direction in cooking - natural foods with high quality ingredients. A simple slice of pork with only salt and pepper now tastes better to me than store-marinated meat with a dozen badly defined ingredients or canned meat sauce. And there is no denying that butter is a better cake ingredient than margarine.

I'm off to bake a cake. Reason is as good as any: Just Because I Can. I'm sure this new past time will pass before I end up a mangy looking fat old lady with a rolling pin in one hand and flour on my dress.

Who Said I Can't

Amazing what sleep can do with how you feel. Little one has returned to previous sleeping patterns and now everything is falling into place. I get more sleep so I'm more relaxed, baby gets more sleep so she is better rested and much more happy. This in turn gives me more time to rest so I am more eager to entertain baby just for the fun of it. This again makes baby happier and she goes to bed in a pleasant mood and therefore sleeps even better. When one (or both) of us sleep badly, the opposite happens because mother and child keep infecting each other with their stress and bad mood.

It can be a nasty loop when mother and child keep dragging each other's mood down but it can be amazing once the loop becomes positive. At times it's a total giggle-fest over here. Baby giggles - I giggle - baby sees me giggling and giggles again - I think her reaction is adorable and it makes me giggle. And then Erkki curiously asks from the other room, "What the heck are you two doing in there?". For me it's like laughing therapy. Stress just melts away. And it's definitely good for bonding with Siiri.

There are two equilibrium states in the mother-baby dynamics: very good and very bad . The entire thing is very far from being self-sustaining because even a few sleepless nights can shift the balance to the other end of the spectrum and life goes from very good to very bad and there's not much I can do to stop it. It's out of my control. I can't just choose to be in a good mood. The only thing I can do is to hide my stress from the baby so it doesn't affect her and intensify all of my positive emotions. No one has an endless supply of positive emotions and it certainly doesn't help when an unhappy baby uses up all the reserves in a matter of hours. This two-equilibrium pattern makes it especially important to get new positive emotions from outside when baby is teething or otherwise feeling bad.

One problem though - when baby is really unhappy she needs me to be at her side. Yet when baby is upset, I need to take a break more than ever because I need to positive emotions from elsewhere. In my opinion it is best to ignore the short-term emotions and concentrate on our long-term happiness: I'm not going to spend all my days with an unhappy baby because that way she will stay unhappy for a very long time. When there's something bothering Siiri, she MIGHT become restless because she is simply LESS LIKELY to settle for anyone else's company but mine. Except Erkki's. It appears our little girl has already become daddy's little girl. Oh you should have seen her expression when Erkki got home yesterday evening. She got so enthusiastic when she heard his voice from the corridor and when she saw him she stretched out her arm toward him as far as she reached and she was just so happy Erkki's home. She touched Erkki's five o'clock shadow, then my cheek, and back and forth many times. The cutest little creature she is.

Baby Update: I called her "a little girl" but she's really not all that little anymore. A couple of days after turning 5 months old she weighed 8 kg (0.1 kg accuracy). This means she has gained another 700 grams in a month and she's a whole kilo bigger than her age group. She's far from being fat (or big-boned for that matter ). She's just really vigorous and strong. She really seems to be in a hurry to grow up. Perhaps one reason she's so big is that she might end up being over 180 cm tall considering mine and Erkki's height.

Her physical development skyrocketed this week. On Monday, when she had turned 5 months old, we went to see a physical development specialist to make sure she doesn't have any excess muscle tension. Doctor noted that she's very well-developed and we had a short conversation about what she can and can not do. She does push her arms straight and lifts her chest, plays with toys while on her stomach and pulls her trousers from knee height, but she doesn't turn to her stomach on hard surface, she doesn't crawl around her axis, and she doesn't try to put her toes in her mouth yet. Doctor assigned us a few swimming lessons because it's good for nearly all babies.

We got home and I put the baby down to wash the dishes. A moment later she was lying on half her toys on her stomach and trying to hold balance so she doesn't roll back. Wow! Great going, Siiri! Then I changed her diaper and she suddenly discovered some funny little wriggly things at the tip of her feet. What fascinating things, must have a taste! So she was pulling her toes toward her mouth. Even later she was on her stomach on a bed and suddenly started to push her legs straight, so that half her body was in the air. She found a little support under her foot and pushed herself a couple of inches forward. It only happened once but she did it very skillfully. The next evening she was on her stomach on her play carpet and her rattle fell out of her reach to her side. She looked at it seriously, and then moved a little around her axis until almost had it. Basically she did nearly everything that she was unable to do on Monday. She over-heard me and the doctor talking and apparently set out to prove us wrong.

I have a feeling the second tooth won't wait long. A few sleepless nights are ahead but I was happy to get a short break.

First Tooth

After many gruesome sleepless nights Siiri's first tooth has finally arrived. She has been crying a lot lately and this horrible experience has apparently left a mark since she has been very needy ever since teething started. I probably wouldn't mind if she was simply needy but she only needs ME. The last time I went to the gym and left kid with her grandparents she really was not happy. She started crying the moment she saw me leaving for the door and didn't stop until I was back home. That was truly weird because she normally seems very fond of the grandparents. It was real crying - tears, screaming, stiff fists and loud sobbing . And the horrible part is how she calmed down: the moment I was back home and held her in my hands she got quiet - like magic! She was still quite a sad sight with red watery eyes and still sobbing. It probably should feel nice to be so needed by someone, but I have been feeling horribly stressed ever since then. The word that came into my mind is this: PRISON.

It generally works like this: baby wakes up and for the first hour I happily feed her, play with her, change her diaper, and sometimes give her a bath without a break. The second hour I start to feel like I should really do something useful as well - perhaps vacuum the carpet or simply tidy up the apartment. I give baby a toy and steal ten minutes to do something useful. She gets agitated so I report back to her every 2 minutes. "I'm still here baby. I'm 4 meters away. You can see me just fine. Play with your toy." I get very little done so make myself feel better by explaining to myself that I am being useful when I keep the baby company. The third hour I start to feel my mind shutting down. I have given up trying to do the dishes and I just really need some mental stimulation. I want to read the news. I want to sit and regain energy. I try to sit at the computer while constantly reassuring the baby, "I'm right here. Relax." But baby doesn't let me sit for long. She wants me to hold her so she starts to imitate the sound of crying and awaits my reaction. I can postpone this by acting cheerful for her although I'm thinking, "gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! A kingdom for some peace and silence." Then I feed her and put her in bed for a short nap and all too soon the entire cycle starts from the beginning.

It feels really good to go to the gym or even to a lecture. Can you imagine - I felt real joy from listening to a university lecture. Ah the freedom of uninterrupted thoughts. Ah the joy of listening to intelligent talk in stead of emotional gurgling. I do admit that a happily gurgling baby is really cute when it's your child but if it's your main form of communication day in and day out it becomes deeply mind numbing. Too much of anything is just too much. I feel consumed by my baby. A mother's relationship with her baby might be tighter than any other kind out there but frankly every relation needs it's freedom. Could you EVER imagine dating someone who is really clingy, doesn't really understand you, spends every possible moment with you and the rest of the time calls you every 2 minutes saying, "I love you, whatcha doin'?"? How long would it take for you to turn off your phone just to get a break? What if he also calls you almost every hour at night and wants to chat for 10 minutes?

Even now I write three words and then smile to the baby so she wouldn't demand that I hold her. She smiles back cheerful as ever but the moment I even look away her sound becomes distressed. And when I accidentally show her even a hint of stress she becomes uneasy and needs me to hold her which only makes me feel more like a prisoner under tight surveillance. I do have a cute baby and it's a joy to play with her and I have done my best to keep her happy and calm. So far I didn't mind being there for her because I knew I can always take a little break from it all when I need it. But even the thought of not being able to go to any lectures or to do sports has made me feel imprisoned. It has become to wear me down because the high non-stop demand for my attention has become simply intolerable.

I need to think this over. The situation will not improve on it's own but I'm sure there's a solution. She still stays fairly calm when Erkki is babysitting so I can still work out. Thank God for Erkki. I will try to make baby take a nap when I have a lecture and my little brother is babysitting. This way I can stay sane for another month or two but during that time I need to train my baby to be less clingy because the current situation just isn't working for me.

Truth be told, my recent stress might have something to do with how much I sleep. For over a week now I have woken up every 1 or 2 hours at night and usually get up between 8-9 a.m. Today I slept only four hours during which I woke up twice to feed the baby. This MIGHT be making me a little edgy.

There is good news in all this: even under these extreme conditions I have still not lost my temper with the baby. That's gotta be worth something, right?