They'll tell me what to do, in stead of suggesting, they'll give me limited information to manipulate me to do what they want me to do. They'll tell me what I absolutely have to do so the baby won't die except they are simply getting me to do what they find most convenient. That's what happened last time. Hard to name all the lies I was told during labor, but the most serious one is that baby's vital signs can't be monitored during pushing phase and if I don't push the baby out ASAP, it will probably suffer from oxygen deprivation. 
Oh how I'd like to meet that midwife now and give her a piece of my mind. I'd probably be able to do it in a way that she'll feel insecure about her profession for years, and she'd deserve it. Lying to patients is simply monumentally unethical.
But I have found an individual midwife, wrote a new birth plan and I have told Erkki my preferences (poor guy!
) so he can help me fight off manipulating and lying hospital staff who are likely to treat him with much more respect than a woman giving birth. Come to think of it, no one would stereo-typically take that seriously. That's like the ultimate two-in-one: woman and giving birth. A drunk guy would be taken more seriously. 
Anyway, I finished Twilight. The fourth book is CRAZY!!!
I kept reading and gasping in horror, trying to imagine anyone making a movie out of it and serving it to 13-year old girls. Good luck with that! And then I saw the trailer! They actually did it. The trailer makes it look like a sequel to a soap opera or something. The fourth movie really seems so cute and sparkly, especially compared to the blood and gore in the book. Or maybe I just imagined it worse than it was written. If you've read it (which I doubt, considering the people who read this blog), you understand why it was shocking for me. 
The first three movies of Twilight were okay. Initially I really hated the casting, because I imagined Edward to be handsome and the actor's version of Edward looks quite pathetic. The actor is trying to portray a tough guy who is having a hard time with his craving for blood but it looks somehow weak and insecure - not holding eye contact, having wobbly body language in some critical scenes, and so on. The entire Cullen family looks all wrong. There isn't even one whom I'd consider sexy, but they were all supposed to look inhumanly alluring.
The female main character Bella keeps pouting and bitching and looking so unsure of everything. At first I couldn't see any beauty behind all that teenager complex ("no one understands me, I'm so different") but she actually gets more pretty with every movie. In the last one she could become a model. Overall, the Twilight movies were well written and horribly directed. The script is good, and the actors seem to fit their roles well, but somehow it still ends up looking like a low-budget B-movie or even a school play.
Siiri's been ill for a few days.
Fever has gone near or above 39.0 Celsius for four days in a row already. At first I thought it means Siiri's immune system isn't nearly as good as I had imagined, but then I read up on what she has - adenovirus (diagnosed by the doctor) - and found out most kids have it much worse. The list of possible symptoms is really long but Siiri only has fever so far. It seems the illness is already subsiding and I get the feeling she's just really enjoying having me around for several full days in a row. 
I've gone to maternity leave now, starting with Siiri's illness, and I'm already starting to feel the different life rhythm. Today I made bread for the first time. It wasn't sour bread with rye (very popular in Estonia). It was whole wheat "healthy bread" with yeast which tasted somewhat too healthy for my preference. It was surprisingly good for bread with no butter, oil or milk in the dough, but next time I'll make it sweeter and perhaps also add some butter to the recipe. The home life really is different though. Today I started thinking about washing the curtains. It's a rental apartment for crying out loud. I wouldn't be thinking about it if I wasn't so eager to do something useful. I wish I could just work on my computer but that really isn't possible lately.
My head is just filled with pink fog and I keep having very pregnant thoughts - like how big my belly is and I'm hungry again.
The baby is moving around a lot. Mostly stretching and making me feel even more round. I have no idea how I can be this pregnant with over a month of pregnancy ahead of me. I wish the weight gain had gone to areas other than my stomach because it really is at it's limit. I keep thinking the belly will just pop and burst open and the baby will feel really triumphant, thinking "Freedom!".
I can't even tell how much of the weigh gain is justified by the pregnancy. I guess I'll find out later. I have a feeling it won't be good news but I really don't feel like going on a diet right now. Damn I've gone much more lazy compared to my last pregnancy, which I started on a low-carb diet. If I get fat it will be all my fault. I know it and I'm still thinking about food full of carbohydrates. Hopefully I'll feel more determined after the baby is born.
Maybe I'm feeling less afraid of child birth because it beats the Aliens version of birth and lately the direct route to baby's freedom seems all too possible.
