Or so I thought until I decided that it's a defeatist attitude that robs me of having a life besides being a mommy.So then I got a membership card to the gym that I liked the most and also started playing tabletop role-playing games with my friends.
That means I have even less spare time but it's totally worth it. I spend less time with my kids and I felt guilty about it for a little while until I realized that I'd be setting a really bad example for them if I didn't do what I believed was the right thing to do. I want to raise them to be strong and brave and when they have a goal, I want them to be determined and I want them to believe that their life is mostly in their own hands (except if their goal is to win at a lottery, in which case I'd hope they give up quickly). So if I believe that a woman shouldn't give up everything to just babysit and cook, then what kind of an example am I setting by spending all my evenings either babysitting my own kids or cooking for them. 
Making time for sports and hobbies is not easy but it definitely makes me feel better about myself. Going to the gym seems to do good things with my concentration and inspiration as well which makes creative work easier but it also takes away time, especially because my workouts can't all be in the evening so the pros and cons even out. It's good for health anyway.This week has been horrible though. Liisa had the worst stomach flu.
We can't even hire a nanny for such an illness (too contageous) and Erkki has been busy at work so I've been at home with the kids. No work, no gym. Okay, I work in the evening when it's possible but it really has me envying people who can just do their job and feel good about it. It's starting to feel like an invisible prison. I have the car keys in my bag pocket, the car is visible from the window, I just really want to try this experiment with these plants are are in the exactly the right size. No one else is using the microscope, I have my solutions ready, I could just go and do the experiment, but I can't! I can't leave the apartment. I'm just stuck here putting away toys, totally aware of the work that is expected of me, work that even I expect from myself. I'm not really to kind of person to spontaneously go to the store because of a random craving but it feels horrible to know that I couldn't go even if I wanted. But at least the kids are cute and generally well-behaved.
That's what I keep telling myself. I'M IN PRISON, but at least it's cute! And when I tell myself they are well-behaved, I completely leave out Liisa's personality. Behaving well and being sane are totally different things. Let me explain.Liisa is a giggling ball of random mischief. She climbs up the bookshelf, I pick her up and put her down, she lands walking and without a pause, she climbs on the couch, then to the armrest, then the backrest and tries to stand on top of it. "GAAAAAH! LIISA, come down right now!"
. She giggles maniacally, lies down on the backrest and as I approach, she (still smiling) closes her eyes blissfully and starts breathing heavily as if pretending to be asleep. I put her on the floor and she walks straight towards the bookshelf. One day she discovered that she's able to climb on the kitchen table using a much more challenging (=dangerous) route than simply using the chair for simple climbing. She somehow pulls herself up from the side, adjusts herself to a sitting position and laughs with anticipation how I plan to stop her. There is no stopping her. Fortunately she still follows some rules and when I tell her to stop outside home she usually listens or lets me stop her from doing anything really dangerous. Basically it's a game for her to act insane. I don't even dare to imagine how this trait of hers will manifest itself when she's in her teens.In some ways completely the opposite, Siiri has become more social and a bit less scared of the world, but she still panicks too easily. It's been a struggle to find a physical hobby for her. Ballet I didn't like, modern dancing for children was too random for her (she had a meltdown and later refused to go there), track and field was too intimidating and she panicked already the first time. From the look on her face, I would have thought the room was full of demons only she could see. Perhaps she was a bit too young for such a large group. Finally we have been sticking with acrobatics. It was going great until some boys were mean to her there so now she refuses to participate.
The acrobatics class itself is perfect for her so we really don't want her to quit. Not easy to decide how to encourage her.But all in all, the kids are in their cutest age - 2 years and 4.5 years and me and Erkki still struggle with enjoying the everyday life of being a parent. Yeah sure there are countless cute moments and funny moments and memorable moments and heart-warming moments, but it would be a stretch to say that it has improved our general happiness levels. I have all these happy moments but there are also all the moments when I force myself to ignore a grim reality, to calm myself and do that needs to be done. And the lack of freedom is just so absolute that it's better to pretend that there wasn't any freedom before either. Parenting is a very complex experience. Can't get the good parts without enduring the bad. And anyway, it could just be a phase. It will be better when the youngest is at least 5 years old.
