I can't really go anywhere or do anything. If I was in prison, at least someone else would cook my food and I'd have my hands free to cross stitch or write or draw.Also, the whole idea of raising children by violence and fear is looking damn tempting. Siiri has been acting like the devil. She hits and bites me and laughs in my face. Kinda makes me want to show her who's the boss and it's really hard to keep repeating that she is not allowed to hit me. She doesn't really hurt me. She hits me lightly enough to make me so frustrated that I hate my life, but not hard enough to actually cause pain. I have tried the Supernanny method of making her sit on a naughty chair and it just doesn't work. She starts screaming for fun, which is super annoying in an apartment with neighbors everywhere around us. I've tried confiscating toys and apparently she has no problem handing me iPad and then happily prancing to the other room to jump on the bed, which she is not allowed to do. It doesn't even matter how much attention she gets or how much of my energy and good will I let her leach out of me. She will misbehave before bed time no matter what happened during the day. Sometimes the entire day is perfect and then we are all ready to go to bed, I read two fairy tales of Siiri's choice, her teeth are washed, she has the pajamas that she likes, Liisa is almost asleep looking blissfully calm and cute, Siiri is lying by my other side so it would be easier for her to fall asleep and then she -out of the blue- hits me on the arm and laughs. Then runs off the bed to go and jump on the other bed.
Perhaps it would be easier to cope with the frustration if I could just say, "f*ck it all" and go out and get wasted. Or perhaps say, "It's bloody 10 p.m. I've been up since 8.30 a.m. putting up with this crap. My workday is OVER! I'm gonna go watch a movie and none of you are allowed to interrupt me."
Currently, I just hope my life doesn't get worse. I try to block out the horrors of everyday life, the lack of mental stimulation, the inability to actually get anything done. I try to forget how little enjoyment I get out of life and how much effort it takes to get even a little enjoyment. I just wait for the day to end and I hope that the next one will be a little less pointless. All those movies of cheerful blissfully happy stay-at-home mothers are just a delusion. I can't imagine how anyone could really enjoy such a life for longer than a few months. One year is just stretching the limits of sanity. One year and one months is past that limit. I'm going crazy being stuck in here.A bit of updating. Siiri is in kindergarten but she's been coughing for nearly 3 weeks already. So I am taking care of two kids again, we can't go out because I want Siiri to get better but it's so cold and windy outside. Siiri's bad behavior that started with kindergarten, hasn't gotten better now that she doesn't even go there. I found a nanny for Liisa and it seemed great, but Liisa wasn't very happy about it. It seemed like Liisa just needs to get acquainted with her a little better and I gave them plenty of time for that, but it just got worse and worse. Even weeks after the nanny had been coming here 5 times a week, Liisa couldn't stand her. When the doorbell rang, Liisa clutched on the me and didn't let go of me until the nanny left hours later. I got even less done than when she had a day off. Even when I removed myself from the picture, the best that they achieved was Liisa being OK with playing on her own while the nanny is in the same room. Liisa stopped practicing walking and talking when the nanny was nearby and had a developmental regression because of that. She still got older and wiser and it's obvious she understands me better than in July-August (before the nanny came here) but she still doesn't walk.
I gave up on that nanny and decided to find another one. I still kept good relations with the current nanny so she could be our back-up nanny in case of emergencies. Now I'm meeting nanny candidates again and hopefully I'll be in a better position in a couple of weeks.
(Edited to add:) Erkki does help, as much as the circumstances allow. Unfortunately, no breast milk. Plus he has a full time job and after he comes home from work, we are so busy trying to get food on the table and the kids fed and to bed, that I can't really take that time to relax. When I go out for the night, I usually do it after 9 and then I have about 4 hours before Liisa starts giving Erkki a really hard time. That means I'm late to any party and I still have to leave early. And the amount of alcohol is limited to about 1 and a half drinks, or two if I'm feeling very brave. Not what I'd call freedom.
Being a parent from a distance is much better than being a mommy 24/7. My happiest time parenting was when I also worked full time and also had time for gym. Without that I'm just a miserable shell of a person.
I'm still working toward getting back to that situation. In the meanwhile I'll be dreaming of a prison cell, where people can have some peace and quiet, where people can exercise, read and finish a thought.
