Stressed

Now it's definitely clear - I'm stressed. Close to depressed unless I stop the downward spiral. I still try to pretend everything is okay. I lie even to myself. If I really admit I have no energy for anything then I get nothing done. But now the situation is way past pretending.

My energy level has been decreasing for some time now. Eventually I found a weird intermediate approach where I accomplished a little every day. Very little. I took it one day at a time to keep encouraging myself with small accomplishments. But I wasn't protected against any setbacks because I didn't have enough initiative or willpower to push myself to get past any problems. So it was inevitable that the problems took too long to fix and the sense of failing simple tasks became stronger each week. Finally the driving school was the last draw. Now I find it hard not to throw my towel in the ring and say, "I've had it. I give up."

I know things are exceptionally bad because I'm tense all over and I already find it hard just to stand up. Actually even my hands feel very heavy when I type. I visited my parents home on the weekend - I snapped at one brother for calling me a Fatso "playfully" (I doubt he'll dare say it again in my presence and I still don't think it was funny or playful ) and I snapped at another brother for giving stupid nicknames to my unborn child (I gave him a couple of diplomatic warnings to stop using such nicknames but when he used them again he got an angry short speech). Yesterday I spent half the day reading about the horrors of childbirth and today I'm having thoughts about how difficult it will be after I give birth and how many unavoidable tasks I will have every day. Now everything seems like the hardest task in the world. And it feels like it will never get easier. Just last week I still thought a baby could be a fun and refreshing change in my life. Now it just feels like lots of diapers and more stress.

Being at the very last limit is almost liberating. Now have only two choices - I either give up or I start over. If I give up, I should contact my doctor and get a health certificate to stay at home. I can procrastinate all I want and I can say I'm exhausted because of the pregnancy. Maybe I am. Who knows. If I start over, I have to find new energy a.s.a.p.!

I refuse to quit! I won't do it!!!
So, there's only one option - I have to start over and find a new rhythm and a brand new attitude.

I have one weird idea of what could do the trick. Exercising. When I first started exercising my energy level almost doubled. I stopped exercising when I went to USA so there's a small chance that I ran out of energy because of that. It could just be wishful thinking but it's certainly worth a try.

So, to make a clear plan, I will write down a clear time and place of exercising after I finish this post. It might take a while for exercising to give me enough energy to end the stress. In the mean while I'll try to finish a couple of large tasks in the lab and I'll try not to fall behind on my weekly tasks (weekly games, lecture, etc).

But anyway, I feel a little more relaxed now after realizing things can't get any worse. This means things can only get better, right?

No More Driving

Update about driving.
I had my driving lesson and I definitely don't have any intention of having any more of those in the near future. Or ever. Whichever seems more convenient.

It was horrible. I have gone from feeling tense behind the wheel to being terrified of all cars. It's not far from plain old phobia by now. Basically, you know how in war movies there's always one rookie who can't stop shivering and even when they hold a gun pointed at the enemy they look like they're just about to collapse from fear. That's what I'm like when I'm driving. And you know how that one rookie always dies in the first battle and he symbolises how cruel war is. Well, maybe I should learn from that and just stay away from cars!

I made one mistake after another and I'm glad I didn't kill anyone - YET! After about half an hour into the lesson I would have given a liter of blood just to end the lesson. And I would have sold my hair... and donated a kidney... or two. And if I had known how horrible it will be I would have made a dentist appointment to use it as an excuse to end the driving lesson early.

I won't have any driving lessons for a few months. I need to forgot about the mental trauma completely. Women are supposed to be mentally triggered to forget about the worst experiences so it might work. In the mean while I'll play some car games and, when I feel okay again, I will make an appointment for the automatic transmission driving lessons with another teacher in another car and hopefully it will be like a new start. OR maybe the driving instructor was right when he told me today, "You are no driver material. I have an eye for that and I can tell."

Rantomaniac

It seems the baby is a devoted reader of my blog. Yet I wouldn't call her a fan because she tries her best to prove me wrong. Some time ago I wrote that she never really moves. The next day she spent a lot of time moving around. Then she got all calm and boring again and on Sunday I wrote about how little she moves.

Ever since my last post my baby has been doing her best to show me what she's capable of. Not only does she kick and bunch, she actually headbutts me from the inside! Yes, you understood me right. She finds support with her tiny feet and then uses all her strength to straighten herself out and hit my tummy with her little head. She did that about 20 times looking for better positions for it. No worries, it doesn't hurt a bit. I find myself being proud of her when she gives a good kick, bunch or headbutt. It's actually really surprising how strong she has gotten so quickly.

I was wondering - isn't it about time winter ended?! I mean, it's already the second half of February! How much longer can the snow last?! My winter jacket is already at it's last limit. Pretty soon the zipper won't close anymore. I was hoping I have more than enough room to spare in that huge jacket but seems I was wrong.

And daylight saving time. I'm so not looking forward to that one! So finally sun is shining at the right times - when I wake up it's barely light outside and when I come home from the lab it's often still light outside. Now some idiot jerks are going to turn the clock so that when people wake up one hour of perfectly good light has already been lost and when they get home from work it's already grim and dark outside! I really don't get how it's daylight saving time! I would call it daylight mindless wasting time.

Mhhh, should I talk about driving school or not... Mhhhh... Probably not! Or at least only briefly because I'm better off not thinking about it at all. I had a horrible lesson last time and I ended up being so unsure of my skills that I was unable to drive faster than 35km/h in the city. At times it was even less - all with the addition of an annoyed driving teacher and me doing my best to block out his comments completely. Well, he suggested I postpone driving school until after I am no longer pregnant because apparently I'm too careful behind the wheel. I said it's not a pregnancy thing and we had a long conversation about how constant critique makes me extremely tense and practically unable to drive. So tomorrow we'll try something else - he will write down all the mistakes I make so I can try to drive without demotivating interruptions. But now even the thought about actually driving a car makes me so nervous that I'm very tempted to cancel the lesson altogether. Ah, I just have to stop thinking about it. I'll show up tomorrow and I'll try to relax and imagine it's a fun video game. If that doesn't work I might actually take a longer pause from driving school.

My article is coming along so slowly that the chances of finishing it in time are close to hopeless. Oh well, could be worse. At least I have some data that I don't have to redo!

I wonder if I should reconsider and take a semester of academic relief next year. Currently I'm planning to stay officially enlisted. It won't change much for me because I would be able to take a few classes in the second semester. They only count points once a year and I know I would be able to meet the requirements if I take some classes on the second semester after the baby is already 8 months old. But maybe it would be better if I just do the paperwork and officially take time off for peace of mind. Mhhh... but if I don't take time off I will get money and that also offers peace of mind... I wouldn't be in this situation if PhD national scholarship offered any maternal security. Grrrrr... There are definitely some government officials who deserve a nice little decapitation!

I had an early class today so I woke up at 6:40 a.m. and I totally feel it. My behavior is like always but my thoughts are way more negative. I've known for a while that I'm very dependant on sleep but it still astonishes me how much a couple of hours of extra sleep change my entire perception of the world. This is a good time to finish up this blog post before I find anything else to rant about!

Just Chillin'

OMG! If I didn't know any better, I'd think my baby is ill! Or at least REALLY SLOW and oxygen-deprived! They say that it's normal for a baby in belly to kick 5-50 times per hour on average. If the baby moves less, something's wrong. This one made about 4 moves YESTERDAY. That might have been just below textbook amount if I had been awake for just one hour... Grrrr, I know that the baby has it's own sleep cycle but 4 moves in a DAY?!

It's recommended that the mother tells her doctor a.s.a.p. if the baby is not moving enough. If I took this seriously I would be visiting my doctor almost every day.

I tried something today! I had read on the Internet that if the mother drinks a glass of cold water or eats something sugary the baby will surely move and also, some babies react to shaking or poking the belly. I know my baby is way too chilled to even nudge when I eat sweet stuff and I had already tried poking and shaking with no success. So as an experiment, I drank a glass of cold water rapidly. The first minute really disappointing - I knew she was chilling leaning against my left side. She shifted over to right side and leaned against my belly. "Enough movement for today, mommy". "Heeeeey!!!!!". I poked my belly and still nothing! A little time later when I had already given up she started squirming, gave me a kick, a few punches, shifted to the left side, and made herself comfortable.

Babies are usually said to be most active at night. That's because during the day they hear and feel all sorts of things and it's fun and interesting. They even see light through the stomach so they notice when I change clothes. They react to all sorts of stimuli and play with anything they can - mostly with their only toy: the umbilical cord. During the night everything suddenly gets dark and quiet. No one's talking, the mother isn't walking around, no keyboard clatter and no music. The baby gets terribly bored and starts to make a havoc. This is actually one reason why pregnant women often sleep badly during the night. Baby gets bored and starts kicking and protesting to get some entertainment. Cute, right? And totally explains why my baby is so inactive when I'm awake, right?

Wrong! She's very calm even during the night! I do appreciate that I can sleep uninterrupted until my alarm goes off but this is ridiculous! Even when I wake up to turn my side I can feel that the baby is calmly sleeping. Turing around wakes her up and she moves a little to find a better position and then falls asleep again. That's definitely not her active time! My baby is awake during the day. I can feel her turning around sometimes. When I walk fast, she sometimes stretches out her limbs for better support - sometimes I feel her pressing her back against my belly, sometimes a limb or two near my bellybutton. When something startles me and my adrenaline level goes up, she moves very rapidly for a couple of seconds. And then she's calm again and doesn't move for HOURS!

She entertained me on Wednesday though. I was sitting in the quiet office room in the laboratory and listening to music on my earphones. She must have got really bored because suddenly she started nudging me all over. I haven't felt her being so restless ever before. Yet it still didn't feel like something is wrong. It just felt like she got fed up with all the quietness and started trampling to ease some of that frustration. "awwwwwww poor thing". So I took my earphones off, turned the music up a little and held my earphones against my tummy.

The moment I put the earphones near her she immediately stopped trampling to hear the music better. It seems she really likes HIM. When the song ended (and I didn't even notice at first because I was doing other stuff) she got restless again. Ah, she likes just my kind of music. I played her another HIM song. I continued working with the earphones in my lap and my playlist on random. Suddenly the baby started moving a lot in a very distressed rhythm. I picked up the earphones to find out what was playing. I heard Korn with some really angry shouting and dark loud metal. I smirked and played some HIM which calmed her down. She also likes Evanescence and it seems to entertain her a great deal. I decided I wanted to continue listening to music and took away the earphones in the middle of an Evanescence song. She reacted by moving around disappointed. Yay! She MOVED!

To make the situation even more ridiculous - this is supposed to be the prime time of baby movements. Earlier in pregnancy baby is too small for the mother to feel the movements (or at least the mother feels only the strongest kicks) and later in pregnancy the baby is too tightly crammed in there to have room for moving around so much. Well, I really can't imagine her to move even less than now! We'll see.


By the way, here's one EXTREMELY failed automatic advertisement link. I saw this under a serious article about premature birth, the causes, risks, and how to prevent "losing your belly".


Many women get outie bellybuttons when pregnant. My bellybutton is still an innie - or actually more like a flattie. I used to have a birthmark just above my bellybutton. Looked almost like a naval piercing. Now it's moved up 2 cm.

PS! Now she decides to move! She's turning and tossing and nudging me. She's giving punches to the ribs, the bladder, the surface of the belly... Ah, that's so much more fun than before!

My Life

To preserve something, you have to know what it is you're preserving. If I want to have a life after I become a parent I have to figure out what I call "my life" now.

A person is what they do, right? For a long time, I was a biology student in university. I studied and I did exams, I visited my parents 200km away. I ate a lot of cheap noodles and I was always happy to bring cheese from my parent's place because it was nutritious and tasted good with everything. The first half a year here I was still doing drama with my long-distance boyfriend but then I started to break free from my past and started a journey to find out who I am in totally new environment. Life was pretty random. I went to various parties and I went to a role-playing game whenever I got a call that we're meeting in two hours. A year after I moved away from home, I started dating Erkki. Actually, we started living together within 2 weeks, so perhaps "dating" isn't a strong enough word.

Ever since then my fate was sealed. I knew people in the university and I knew the people I hanged out with outside of school. Erkki was closely tied with the people I knew outside of school, so suddenly we had the same circle of friends and the same hobbies. Me and Erkki have been together for so long that during this time both of our lives have changed. Actually, his life has changed - he has gone from living in his parents' home and having a very simple job to living in a nice rental apartment and working in a high position. His hobbies are mostly the same but his entire body language and view of life have evolved enormously.

As for me - I was a student and I am a student. I got married and moved to another place but I would barely be able to afford living here without my husband. The comforts we have here, like my computer and the TV, would definitely be out of my reach. It makes me think I didn't try hard enough to live my life to the fullest, but it wouldn't be fair to think that way because I finished bachelor's and master's during that time. Sadly, I don't think it got me anywhere as I'm still taking classes in the university and I don't have a typical life with a typical job. Even my hobbies are pretty much the same with a few additions. I still play role-playing games and computer games. The biggest change during that time are my views and personality which have developed from blurry to clear. I have got pretty opinionated and frank.

I felt any real change about a year ago when I started writing my Master's thesis and I got more intensely involved in real science. I had somehow gone from random living to a planned schedule of laboratory, aerobics, Dungeons and Dragons at pre-determined weekdays, and partying only during weekend. Then I decided my life was ready to fit a kid in there somewhere. Things had gone so predictable that I felt my life needed some sort of unpredictability.

So actually I decided to have a child because I was bored.

I'm wondering, if I'm already on the verge of living a mature life of a grown-up then why am I so nervous about becoming a grown-up after I have a kid? And if I decided I was ready for kids because I felt ready for the change then why I am so strongly against change? I have no idea. Perhaps it's not CHANGE that I'm afraid of. Or even becoming a grown-up. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing control over my life.

I get tense when people tell me my life will revolve only around my kid. My life and my wishes cease to exist as it's suddenly all about the kid. My life will be so strongly intertwined with the kid's life that I can't figure out where my goals end and the kid's goals start. I will want my kid to do well in life but what about me? Will I still also want ME to do well in life. But as a biologist I see that my goal should be to have kids who do well in life and for them to have kids who do well in life. As a biologist, I see the need to preserve my genes and to have successful kids. Does it even matter what I do before my death, as long as I have good kids? Does my life even have any other real purpose?

I'm starting to see that having a child is a change bigger than any other. It's not about the sleepless nights or the expenses of raising a kid. It's not even about the changes in everyday life. It's about the meaning of life. So far my life has been about me. After I have a kid, I don't want my life to become obsolete. I've spent all those years building my life and getting education and I simply don't want my importance to become second-rate. I want to continue being a real person with my very own hopes and dreams and goals that have nothing to do with anyone else.

So maybe I'm panicking for no good reason. Even now that my life is already completely intertwined with Erkki's - we have common hobbies and interests, many of the same friends and our future goals, I still have some friends, goals, and interests that have nothing to do with Erkki. So in all probability, even after my life becomes truly intertwined with the lives of my children I shall still have a big part of my life that is my own, that has nothing to do with my husband or my kids. In other words, after all those huge inevitable changes, I will still be who I am now.

Alien Inside Me

Has it ever happened to you that something doesn't work the way it's supposed to and then you talk to someone else about it and you show them: "see, it just doesn't work!" and then suddenly it DOES work? Usually it's great way to fix anything from computer programs to remote controls. Whenever you run into a problem, just try to demonstrate the problem to someone else and VOILA! everything is miraculously working as intended! Well, the same thing happened with the baby. In my previous post I said that the baby is being absolutely boring and not doing anything interesting in there. I posted it on Sunday and ever since then, the baby has been really active!

I can actually play with the kid now! It starts kicking one place and then stops. I put my palm on that spot and warm up the skin and the kid starts kicking at the warmed up place. If I take my hand away, the kid stops as soon as my skin cools down. Another game is where the kid starts kicking and stops. I softly tap that place a few times with my finger. The kid feels it and kicks a few times again. I tap again and she kicks again. She gets bored with that one quite quick though. She seems to like the first game more. She also gives a disgruntled kick when I play Guitar Hero and the guitar is resting against my belly and today I felt her uneasily turn around when my alarm clock went off.

And you know what's the really ridiculous part of this? Whenever the kid starts kicking and I tell Erkki, "hey, look! Look now!" and we're both staring at my belly, the kid stops moving. It doesn't matter if she has been moving for a while or if she just started, just having Erkki stare at my belly calms the baby down. So again it's like the "remote control"-thing, except vice versa - everything is working properly until I try to demonstrate and then suddenly nothing works.

It's not uncomfortable to have someone kicking me. At least not anymore. I've gotten used to it. It's fun and kinda cheers me up. The kid has become my own personal toy for now.

On another topic, water retention started overnight. I drank maybe five glasses of water and I ate some salty stuff and suddenly my weight climbed one kilo in 24 hours and I feel all fluffy. Actually books say that pregnant women should drink 8 to 12 glasses of water EVERY DAY! No wonder most pregnant women are all swollen up and have horrible health issues with that.

RECIPE!

1 cucumber
1 pack of sliced bacon (pretty bacon with lots of meat)
300-400g pork. Long thin slices. They sell it sliced and packaged.



Cut bacon into 1-2cm pieces, slice up cucumber. Fry the meat with some salt and pepper until almost done, then add bacon and fry until bacon is a little golden too. Mix pork, bacon and cucumber together in a bowl and eat. Yumm. PS! Leave the sizzling bacon fat on the pan because it would ruin the texture of the dish.

It's all my recipe, I just felt like eating those things and decided to mix them all together. I diced while Erkki fried, so it took 20 minutes to make. We ate it with a side of sour cream (20% fat ). It's extremely healthy food in my view. Low on carbs, sufficient amount of fat, high in protein content, veggies aren't fried, etc. In the summer I should try it with fresh dill and basil.

(Un)healthy Obsession

Okay-okay, I admit - I'm obsessed with not gaining too much weight. I was doing my calculations again to make sure where I am with my current pregnancy weight gain. I was calculating aloud and talking half with myself and half with my husband. "So some people say that 10 kilos is the normal weight gain limit, but it's not, is it? If I gain 14 kilos, it's also okay, isn't it?". Erkki was playing on the computer and casually said, "you're obsessed." I usually do most of the talking and I'm used to his short replies but I need to be sure to interpret them correctly. So I asked him, "obsessed, I agree, but does it annoy you? Like, am I being annoyingly obsessed?" and he said, "you're obsessed and paranoid" and then smirked.

It seems it's not that difficult to track weight during pregnancy. Simply by being pregnant I spend about the same amount of energy I would spend if I went to gym every day for over an hour. This means I don't have to be so strict about my calorie intake anymore. Every day is like a holiday when it comes to eating. No matter what my daily activity level is, I can indulge a bit more and not feel guilty about it. Usually when people have a workout every day, they lose weight, but pregnant women gain weight despite the increased energy expenditure. I know why it's so. IT'S THE APPETITE!!!!!

Like really - some things have started to taste so yummy you wouldn't believe it! I eat three to five oranges and they still taste good. (yes, OH-MY-GOD, I STILL eat oranges!) The only reason I stop eating is because my stomach is all squished there and I simply can't fit any more. It's a good thing I'm not craving chocolate or sticks of butter. Sometimes I just tell myself - "No, don't even think about buying those cookies!" or "if you make pasta, you'd better add some good meat or cheese there! Carbs aren't healthy nutrition - it's just another snack!". But I definitely limit myself less than before pregnancy.

Anyway, my weight gain is totally on track and my next goal is to weigh +10 kg at 29 weeks - that's 1.5 kg by 19th of February.

ENOUGH OBSESSING FOR NOW.

Oh, actually one more thing that's somewhat growth related. My leg muscles are HUGE! Like really! ...and I have a theory. My body is bumped full of growth hormones! They're meant for the baby but it seems my body certainly takes advantage of such little perks. Seems pregnant women do bulk up - but also on muscles, not only fat. Muscles are growing with so little effort that body builders would certainly feel envious! I still haven't made it to gym (I walk a lot and exercise a bit at home) and my muscles are stronger than before.

I had a thought about my health in general. Remember I had a blog post about feeling better than I've felt in a while even though pregnant women are pitied for feeling so weak and sickly. Well maybe I feel so healthy because since I got pregnant I started taking vitamins, eating more fresh fruits and vegetables, stopped drinking alcohol, I take more effort to sleep a lot, etc. Mhh, but the growth hormones definitely help.

Pregnancy is getting boring. Seriously. For a while it was really fun with the changes happening all the time. Now my stomach is growing more slowly so I'm used to the current size. "yeah, so I'm pregnant. What else is new?". Baby is still moving every day. But it's not really doing anything in there. It's just - you know - dancing around. She doesn't even have the decency to entertain me with a good kick. I'm convinced she got bored with the walls. She realized that kicking the walls doesn't change a thing. Now the baby just nudges me sometimes when she feels like it. Who would have thought that I expect my kid to poke me.

I had a doctor's check-up. Everything is normal. Boring but good.