My Life

To preserve something, you have to know what it is you're preserving. If I want to have a life after I become a parent I have to figure out what I call "my life" now.

A person is what they do, right? For a long time, I was a biology student in university. I studied and I did exams, I visited my parents 200km away. I ate a lot of cheap noodles and I was always happy to bring cheese from my parent's place because it was nutritious and tasted good with everything. The first half a year here I was still doing drama with my long-distance boyfriend but then I started to break free from my past and started a journey to find out who I am in totally new environment. Life was pretty random. I went to various parties and I went to a role-playing game whenever I got a call that we're meeting in two hours. A year after I moved away from home, I started dating Erkki. Actually, we started living together within 2 weeks, so perhaps "dating" isn't a strong enough word.

Ever since then my fate was sealed. I knew people in the university and I knew the people I hanged out with outside of school. Erkki was closely tied with the people I knew outside of school, so suddenly we had the same circle of friends and the same hobbies. Me and Erkki have been together for so long that during this time both of our lives have changed. Actually, his life has changed - he has gone from living in his parents' home and having a very simple job to living in a nice rental apartment and working in a high position. His hobbies are mostly the same but his entire body language and view of life have evolved enormously.

As for me - I was a student and I am a student. I got married and moved to another place but I would barely be able to afford living here without my husband. The comforts we have here, like my computer and the TV, would definitely be out of my reach. It makes me think I didn't try hard enough to live my life to the fullest, but it wouldn't be fair to think that way because I finished bachelor's and master's during that time. Sadly, I don't think it got me anywhere as I'm still taking classes in the university and I don't have a typical life with a typical job. Even my hobbies are pretty much the same with a few additions. I still play role-playing games and computer games. The biggest change during that time are my views and personality which have developed from blurry to clear. I have got pretty opinionated and frank.

I felt any real change about a year ago when I started writing my Master's thesis and I got more intensely involved in real science. I had somehow gone from random living to a planned schedule of laboratory, aerobics, Dungeons and Dragons at pre-determined weekdays, and partying only during weekend. Then I decided my life was ready to fit a kid in there somewhere. Things had gone so predictable that I felt my life needed some sort of unpredictability.

So actually I decided to have a child because I was bored.

I'm wondering, if I'm already on the verge of living a mature life of a grown-up then why am I so nervous about becoming a grown-up after I have a kid? And if I decided I was ready for kids because I felt ready for the change then why I am so strongly against change? I have no idea. Perhaps it's not CHANGE that I'm afraid of. Or even becoming a grown-up. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing control over my life.

I get tense when people tell me my life will revolve only around my kid. My life and my wishes cease to exist as it's suddenly all about the kid. My life will be so strongly intertwined with the kid's life that I can't figure out where my goals end and the kid's goals start. I will want my kid to do well in life but what about me? Will I still also want ME to do well in life. But as a biologist I see that my goal should be to have kids who do well in life and for them to have kids who do well in life. As a biologist, I see the need to preserve my genes and to have successful kids. Does it even matter what I do before my death, as long as I have good kids? Does my life even have any other real purpose?

I'm starting to see that having a child is a change bigger than any other. It's not about the sleepless nights or the expenses of raising a kid. It's not even about the changes in everyday life. It's about the meaning of life. So far my life has been about me. After I have a kid, I don't want my life to become obsolete. I've spent all those years building my life and getting education and I simply don't want my importance to become second-rate. I want to continue being a real person with my very own hopes and dreams and goals that have nothing to do with anyone else.

So maybe I'm panicking for no good reason. Even now that my life is already completely intertwined with Erkki's - we have common hobbies and interests, many of the same friends and our future goals, I still have some friends, goals, and interests that have nothing to do with Erkki. So in all probability, even after my life becomes truly intertwined with the lives of my children I shall still have a big part of my life that is my own, that has nothing to do with my husband or my kids. In other words, after all those huge inevitable changes, I will still be who I am now.