Perfect Number of Children

I have been contemplating how many children I really want.  I have 7 siblings. Growing up in a large family gave me a pretty good idea how families really look like: very social, constantly changing, chaotic and loud. I really doubted that I myself would ever aim for 8 children. Perhaps 3 or 4 children - that's not too many, right?  And having four children is much better than three, otherwise there will be "middle child syndrome". The middle child will always be too young for some benefits and too old for others while always being "old enough" for chores or obligations. I have read that parents tend to praise the first-born and pamper the youngest and forget about that middle child. With 4 children, this wouldn't be such a problem. The children would group into pairs of two oldest and two youngest and no one would feel left out. So it absolutely makes sense that 4 children is the perfect number of children. Right? Well, yes, if I wasn't fond of having hobbies or a night off or anything like that for the next several years.

Not having any children was never an option. If nothing else, I would have adopted. Otherwise I would feel like I'm missing something from my life. I guess I could have waited a few years, but the odds of having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child are greater as a younger parent, so it would have been irresponsible to procrastinate and postpone something that was inevitable anyway. Only having one child is almost like not having children at all. There would be no kids playing in the background. Only one depressed and lonely child who is forced to hang out in the adult world all alone. Having two children is nice, but when one person is away from home, it will be so quiet and empty. That's not at all how I imagined my home of the future.

I have read that four children is "a lot of work" but it's rarely explained what it means. I assumed they mean the effort of getting children fed, washed, etc. My logic had seemed very solid: when kids are a bit older, they don't need to be looked after so closely. I now realize that TIME is the biggest deficit. Even with 2 children it's suddenly so difficult to find free time. So the logic has changed into: when kids are a bit older, I wouldn't have time to look after them because I'm busy with their younger sibling. I wasn't too fond of the involuntary independence I had as a child. It would have been nice if I hadn't been so solely responsible for my life and everyday problems from quite early on. Parental guidance seems like a good idea.  But if I have half as many kids as my parents, then my children would get twice as much attention and time from their parents as I did from mine. Maybe it would be even better if there were only two of them and they got four times as much attention and time.

Erkki's opinion matters as well. We had this talk a long time before we got married. I said four, he said two. I said, "compromise: three!", he said, "let's review after the first child." and after the first child he said, "lets review after the second child", and after the second child he said, "lets discuss this another time.".  Now suddenly I was saying "okay, 3 will be enough" and he was still stuck on 2. So now the number is between 2 and 3. If a couple is between 0 and 1, then it's easy to decide what is fair they should have that one child so that their heritage is preserved. Between 1 and 2 they should go for two because most people with that experience say that it sucks to be an only child. Between 2 and 3 it's just preference. Between 3 and 4 is "ah, to hell with it - it's already so chaotic and loud that one more child won't change much.". But that means that even I admit that 3 children means chaos! Maybe that's why I prefer 3: family is supposed to be somewhat chaotic! Besides, it also makes family life dynamic and interesting.

I feel that the choice between two and three is mostly up to me because 3 is already the compromise number. If he says "2 kids" and I say "4 kids", it wouldn't be fair for him to wait a few years and add, "2 kids and that's FINAL!". But do I really want a third child? I know it's such trouble to take care of a baby/toddler, I know my life stops for a while and my career suffers. It's more difficult to travel with 3 children and it's more difficult to find a babysitter. It's also more time-consuming to drive them around when they get hobbies and it takes a lot of effort to make sure they have decent clothes. It's just so troublesome to have any children, it really is! My life would be so much easier if I just didn't have to worry about any children ever.  I would also end up sad and lonely, but it would still be an easier life. I know a person who aspires to slack off as much as possible and seeks ways to do that efficiently but most people aspire to be happy. I knew there would be no happiness without children but does it really matter if it's two or if it's three. My genes have been passed on already, why repeat the process?

I wouldn't mind being pregnant again. The second pregnancy was quite exhausting but I still felt very comfortable with pregnancy. It felt somehow so positive. You know the instant good will you feel when you hear someone is pregnant? Well, I felt that about myself, which seems weird in hindsight. It would be sad if that was my last time to ever be pregnant. Giving birth is a different story. I wouldn't want to repeat that. The  early baby time was really nice with Liisa. She really made it easy. She is very easy to calm down and she's just amazing. Siiri was an easy baby and Liisa was three times easier! She sleeps well, eats fast, has a good appetite, is active and totally adorable.  But I lost a year. Completely lost it and I can't ever get it back. I barely see my friends, I'm constantly busy with children and their food and playtime, their safety and their outdoor time. It is nice that I'm usually the first person to see their development but I don't develop at all. I'm risking mental retardation here.  I have stopped thinking about how it might look and I just go with the flow. I baby-talk with my children and it doesn't even feel unnatural anymore. Okay, to be honest, my kind of baby-talk still follows certain rules. I use real words and I simplify things a little, but I explain the world like it is. Siiri likes it when I explain bacteria to her and I'm already starting to use key phrases when talking with Liisa. But I still usually talk in such a way that even a (very smart) 3-year old could understand me and it's increasingly difficult to switch over to adult conversation. It will pass when children grow older but would I really want to go back to square one with another baby?

Due to my education and career plans, another baby couldn't possibly be planned sooner than 4-5 years from now. For some people it seems like a perfect pause between two children but to me it seems horribly wasteful. In 4-5 years I will have finally got my life back and I can go to the movies, conferences, restaurants, tropical islands... And then I ruin it all with another baby whose world breaks apart when I walk to another room. But then again, I have several female friends who are currently either single or simply don't have children yet. Maybe they'll have children in a few years and then having kids will be the social thing to do. Besides, I'll have more opportunity to pay attention to the third child when older children are a bit older and no one will feel left out. But I won't be able to travel for years and I will have to spend a lot of time at home.

And just to make it clear, with each child I lose years of my life. Not only because of the time dedicated to only them, but also the time when I'm so stretched thin with all the toddler care topics in my "free time" that I barely get to concentrate at work. I miss the freedom to stay in the laboratory until late evening.   I won't have that for years to come. Having a family is such a disadvantage in science.

In every logical way, it makes sense to stop at two. We'd have more time, money, easier life, I'd have a better career, we can buy nicer cars, stay at better hotels, travel to nicer places and the list goes on and on. There is no reason to have a third child, especially after several years of pause when the girls are already becoming quite independent. So why can't I really picture a future with only two children. Why do I keep making excuses to fit another child into my life. To be fair, I can't picture it with three children either because I keep imagining all the things I've lost because of that one choice. Not being able to make up my mind is really stressing me out. I won't have the answer until 4-5 years from now. Of course I know that nature and health can't be planned, so any plans might be changed at the last minute. I'm leaning towards three. Feel free to comment and discuss whether it's better to have more children or less.

Lack of Life but Fun

My life is standing still while I get to observe Siiri and Liisa change every month or week or even every day. Some skills are learned gradually while most skills come as a surprise. I didn't know Siiri knew any numbers in English before she just listed ten first numbers. It took weeks for Liisa to learn to crawl and then move on all fours but only one hour of professional exercise was needed for her to become twice as fast. One day I was worried that she will go to the other end of the room when I turn around for a few seconds, then she had one hour of a baby exercising and the next day she needed as much time to go to the other room. One more hour of exercise later she started pulling herself up every chance she got. She just turned 8 months and she can already pull herself up and stand!   Amazing physical development! There's usually a balance between physical and mental development: baby is either talking or walking early. I'm not too worried about her being early in physical development and late with her mental development because at 7 months old, she started saying "mommy" (emme). She hasn't quite decided what it means: mother or milk or "something good", but she definitely says it deliberately and sometimes repeats it after me. 

Siiri's sleeping has gotten a lot better. She usually sleeps at our bed now. Here I must admit that my views on co-sleeping have changed. It's a perfectly good way to get as much sleep as possible. I feed Liisa in bed and usually fall asleep while I feed her at night, so she sleeps in our bed very often. Now how can we tell Siiri that Liisa can sleep in our bed, but she has to sleep all the way in another room at the other end of the apartment, all alone. We can't tell her that without excluding her and being totally unfair. I still think it was a good idea to put Siiri in her own room when she was 6 months old. Otherwise she always woke up when we went to sleep and then it was not at all easy to cradle her back to sleep. When she slept in her own room, me and Erkki could at least talk before falling asleep. But now Siiri often sleeps in our room and seems a lot less stressed. Perhaps it gives her a sense of belonging to the family. It is way too crowded in our bed - it's just not meant for 4 people!  - but Siiri falls asleep quite easily and lately hasn't had many night terrors.

Liisa falls asleep super easily. I never cradle her to sleep. I refuse to do it after Siiri had gotten so dependent on it that we had to do it several times per night. Well, except if you count the times when I use Ergo Baby carrier to carry Liisa around until she falls asleep. That's the Plan B when we have visitors and Liisa is over-tired.  I don't want to spend much time in the other room just reading the news on my phone next to Liisa even though I know she would finally fall asleep. But that's how I usually do it: I only have to lay by her side and she falls asleep. It never works for Erkki. He does have to cradle her if he wants her to fall asleep. You might think - sure, it makes sense because he doesn't have milk. Actually it's not about the milk. When she has already eaten, she lays next to me, peeks to make sure it's really me, and then closes her eyes and soon falls asleep without any fuss. With Erkki, she opens her eyes, looks at Erkki and gets annoyed that I'm nowhere in sight.   She's a really low-maintenance baby when she's with me, but she sometimes gives other people a hard time. She's very attached to me and it will be difficult for me to go back to school in September.

Learning to drive is going well. We still haven't given up and haven't crashed any cars. The entire first driving lesson I drove around in an empty parking lot. And I've actually finishes most of the obligatory amount of lessons three years ago. It wasn't about not being able to drive. I was simply not willing drive on the road after my previous experience with it. The second lesson started off in another empty parking lot where I was making circle after circle, testing breaks, getting used to using the correct lights and trying to get used to sitting "in the wrong seat". The ever patient driving instructor commented that we should to circles to the other side as well. I did that. Circle. Circle. Bigger circle... He looked like he was suppressing a yawn and finally asked me, "Shall we go on the road now?". "Okay, lets go." Oh my god, I was so nervous when I drove where he told me to drive and I was trying not to panic. Surprisingly, he commented very little. He observed, advised and answered questions but there was no constant nagging, differently from my first driving instructor. It occasionally even feels good to drive. Now I've had a few lessons and last time I was already driving completely different kinds of circles - traffic circles! I even drove on one of the scariest circles in Tartu. I drove out of my lane once but didn't kill anyone.  That has to count for something.

Driving school has one big flaw. It takes up a lot of time. It's basically 6 hours per week of extra time. Erkki's parents help during the theory classes and we take turns with the driving lessons. Erkki has his lesson first, then finishes in front of our home, he comes up to our apartment, I go down and get in the car for my lesson. This way we don't need to find a babysitter for each driving lesson and kids are never left unsupervised.

Other than learning to drive, occasionally going to the doctor or dentist and rare social events, my life is totally on hold. I have so little time to think about it that I'm not too sad. It's just a grim reality, why feel sadness. I just try to take the most of my current situation. I've pretty much mastered sweet yeast dough and even my 50% graham flour dough rises almost as well. Soon it will be rhubarb pie season again. All my creative energy goes into purees! "How about oat-apple-plum for breakfast? And cabbage-beef.... and carrots!.... and... potatoes? Cabbage-beef-carrot-potato! She'll love it."  Liisa eats quite well and she drinks water very well, which is very useful. Making purees takes a lot of time but it's good not to depend on jars of puree that I can't even pick out myself (because usually Erkki goes to the grocery store).

Siiri got accepted into a kindergarten which is quite close to our home. She'll start in august. She's very excited about it even though she's still very suspicious of boys. She's convinced that "boy" doesn't want to do anything that she considers fun and she even says that she wants to make "boy" cry. She wants to pick up "boy" and throw him and make him sad. Me and Erkki have no idea which boy she really means but she always makes an exception to boys who are friendly and she sometimes mistakes inconsiderate little girls for boys. I wonder when I should show her drawing of body parts to explain that "boy" isn't synonymous with "inconsiderate or annoying child". Siiri's tendency to sometimes mistake boys and girls makes me think that perhaps we did something right. When Siiri sees a little person with a blue shirt playing football, she doesn't assume that it must be a boy because of stereotype. ( = two boys sparring?)

I keep talking about one kid or the other one, but what do I do in my free time... In my VERY little free time... As meaningless things as possible. Anything that still leaves me free to just get up and react to the situation at home. On special occasions I play Mass Effect 3 but last time I fell asleep  with the Xbox remote in my hands after 15 minutes of game time. Yes, preserving my life has currently completely failed. I have no life at the moment. I just hover from month to month, enjoying the chaotic yet strict schedule of nap-times and puree meals and baths and dishes. It will be a wasted year, but not at all a bad one.