Saturday, December 27, 2008

Birth is the End of Life

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and my clothing is just starting to get too small for me. I hear that's the least of my problems. Once I become a parent my life is over! No subtle hints or diplomatic warnings - I will have no life! I've heard exactly how it happens so now I can just make a tick when I've reached the next phase in the inevitable course of losing my life.

First I'll get pregnant. I will feel really horrible all the time. Nauseous every morning, always tired, always hungry. I will try not to let that change my social life at first. No alcohol for me and no smoking but I will pretend that I don't care about being the sober person in the group and I will pretend that they parties are actually fun even when sober. At about 11 pm I will get tired and go home to sleep. My friends will tell me they don't mind but they will stop inviting me to the parties where the only real goal is to get drunk together (very typical type of party in Estonia, even among very civilized groups of intelligent people). I will barely see my friends and pretty soon we start drifting apart slowly. I will swear to myself to make other kinds of plans with them, maybe watching a movie with the group or some afternoon sitting.

As my pregnancy progresses I will start to feel very heavy and I will stop exercising. I will slowly start to gain more weight than just the weight required for pregnancy. This also means I have less energy. I will postpone the movie plans I had with my friends. By the time I give birth I have gained 20-30 kg and I never go out anymore, not even for exercising. Surely I will have more energy after I give birth and I weigh less. ... umm... Or NOT.

After I actually have the child, I will never again get a full night's sleep. I may have had naive ideas about "new life" and "future hope", but in the real life a kid is just 18 years of responsibility. This is where all my money will disappear, not like I have too much of that anymore as my career has officially ended. As a young person before kids I had enough to live comfortably, but this was the limit of my professional life because now all my excess time will be spent on the kid, not on some silly promotion-goals. With the increase in expenses, the money that seemed a comfortable amount before is barely enough not to start counting coins.

Whatever illusions I had of keeping my friends shatter very early because I have no time for parties when I have a little baby to take care of. I will keep on telling myself that I am going to go back to the gym, I am going to go back to work, I am going to spend time with my hobbies again, but before I even realize, it's year and a half later and I'm right where I was at the day of childbirth - tired, no time for friends, carrying extra weight, no energy for living my life.

This is the inevitable future of any young mother. It will be about two years until a young mother gets a part of their life back and it will be ten years until the mother starts to fulfill new goals for their own personal growth. "It's okay," they tell me. "You will get new views in life and you won't see the change as a bad thing". I hear I will get so much joy from seeing the kid grow up that I won't even want to go to foolish drinking parties. And taking care of the child takes so much energy that I won't miss exercising. They tell me I should just get used to the idea that my life will change beyond recognition and it's all part of growing up and becoming a parent.

Well, I have thought about it...
And I have one thing to say about welcoming a future like that...
...OVER MY DEAD BODY!


If I give up my life for a kid I will be a lousy parent. I will be miserable and I don't want that! I'm sure it can't be good for the kid to be raised by a miserable old hen who has reached the top of their potential and has nothing better to do than nag and preach. I believe I should show good example as a diverse and active mother with a personal life, hobbies and individual thoughts.

I will do all in my power to avoid living the life of a lifeless parent. I will do my best to keep the life I have and just add a few kids who I can share my ideas with, kids, who will give my life more meaning and provide new thoughts when things would otherwise get stagnant and boring. A child has to be future hope, not just a pet who needs to be taken care of, or a burden that will take over my live.

Now I'm 20 weeks pregnant and full of determination not to give up my life. I will welcome inevitable changes, but giving up my career, friends, exercising, and hobbies is not inevitable. It is the result of taking the easy way too many times and ending up stuck in a downward spiral. This is what this blog is about - I'm trying to prove that it is possible to have a life even after getting pregnant and having kids. Time will tell.