No subtle hints or diplomatic warnings - I will have no life! I've heard exactly how it happens so now I can just make a tick when I've reached the next phase in the inevitable course of losing my life. 
First I'll get pregnant. I will feel really horrible all the time. Nauseous every morning, always tired, always hungry. I will try not to let that change my social life at first. No alcohol for me and no smoking but I will pretend that I don't care about being the sober person in the group and I will pretend that they parties are actually fun even when sober. At about 11 pm I will get tired and go home to sleep. My friends will tell me they don't mind but they will stop inviting me to the parties where the only real goal is to get drunk together (very typical type of party in Estonia, even among very civilized groups of intelligent people). I will barely see my friends and pretty soon we start drifting apart slowly. I will swear to myself to make other kinds of plans with them, maybe watching a movie with the group or some afternoon sitting.
As my pregnancy progresses I will start to feel very heavy and I will stop exercising. I will slowly start to gain more weight than just the weight required for pregnancy.
This also means I have less energy. I will postpone the movie plans I had with my friends. By the time I give birth I have gained 20-30 kg and I never go out anymore, not even for exercising. Surely I will have more energy after I give birth and I weigh less. ... umm... Or NOT. After I actually have the child, I will never again get a full night's sleep. I may have had naive ideas about "new life" and "future hope", but in the real life a kid is just 18 years of responsibility. This is where all my money will disappear, not like I have too much of that anymore as my career has officially ended. As a young person before kids I had enough to live comfortably, but this was the limit of my professional life because now all my excess time will be spent on the kid, not on some silly promotion-goals. With the increase in expenses, the money that seemed a comfortable amount before is barely enough not to start counting coins.
Whatever illusions I had of keeping my friends shatter very early because I have no time for parties when I have a little baby to take care of. I will keep on telling myself that I am going to go back to the gym, I am going to go back to work, I am going to spend time with my hobbies again, but before I even realize, it's year and a half later and I'm right where I was at the day of childbirth - tired, no time for friends, carrying extra weight, no energy for living my life.
This is the inevitable future of any young mother. It will be about two years until a young mother gets a part of their life back and it will be ten years until the mother starts to fulfill new goals for their own personal growth. "It's okay," they tell me. "You will get new views in life and you won't see the change as a bad thing". I hear I will get so much joy from seeing the kid grow up that I won't even want to go to foolish drinking parties. And taking care of the child takes so much energy that I won't miss exercising. They tell me I should just get used to the idea that my life will change beyond recognition and it's all part of growing up and becoming a parent.
Well, I have thought about it...
And I have one thing to say about welcoming a future like that...
...OVER MY DEAD BODY!
And I have one thing to say about welcoming a future like that...
...OVER MY DEAD BODY!
If I give up my life for a kid I will be a lousy parent. I will be miserable and I don't want that! I'm sure it can't be good for the kid to be raised by a miserable old hen who has reached the top of their potential and has nothing better to do than nag and preach. I believe I should show good example as a diverse and active mother with a personal life, hobbies and individual thoughts.
I will do all in my power to avoid living the life of a lifeless parent. I will do my best to keep the life I have and just add a few kids who I can share my ideas with, kids, who will give my life more meaning and provide new thoughts when things would otherwise get stagnant and boring. A child has to be future hope, not just a pet who needs to be taken care of, or a burden that will take over my live.
Now I'm 20 weeks pregnant and full of determination not to give up my life.
I will welcome inevitable changes, but giving up my career, friends, exercising, and hobbies is not inevitable. It is the result of taking the easy way too many times and ending up stuck in a downward spiral. 
This is what this blog is about - I'm trying to prove that it is possible to have a life even after getting pregnant and having kids. Time will tell.
Naah, päris head plaanid! Loodetavasti ka täituvad :)
ReplyDeleteMa mõtlesin kommenteerida, aga siis mõtlesin ümber. ;)
Üks mõte siiski: "I will welcome inevitable changes, but giving up my career, friends, exercising, and hobbies is not inevitable." --- pausi tegemine ei ole sama mis loobumine, eksole ju. St mõne asja puhul tuleb ikka paus sisse - lühem või pikem. Ntx loodetavasti ei kavatse Sa kahekuuse kõrvalt pikki laboripäevi tegema hakata :)
hehe, I think I will stay at home after I have the kid, but I aim to stay at home for 6 months and then already start going to the lab again. I just think I should find a way to add kids to my life. It shouldn't be the other way around - so that the kids let me add a little bit of my life between their lives. I'll give them a lot of my time, but it will be the time that I choose to give them. :) Not sure how it will work out though.
ReplyDeletePS! I hope you wouldn't mind to comment in English in this blog. When I read someone else's blogs, the comments are one of the most interesting stuff. And so few people understand Estonian.
What do you mean your career is over??
ReplyDelete-thehotelambush
lol, whoa! Nice to see you here!
ReplyDeleteI heard that in US people give birth, stay at home for 6 weeks to "rest" after delivery, and are commanded back to work. And there they have opporitunities for collecting breast milk and doing stuff like that. In Estonia, people give birth and stay at home for months and months. There's no way to collect or store breastmilk at work and nowhere to leave the kid. Actually people think they're a really bad mother if they go back to work before 5 months. I know many cases where the person didn't go back to work for almost 2 years.
But the thing is - after being stuck between 4 walls at home with a baby for 2 years many women are unable to continue their work. The job is kept for them because of law, but it takes a long time for them to recover from the pause. They're not as ambitious anymore. They have "new values". Here it's very typical for women to have their career peak before having kids and only decline after that.
Just to clarify what Kris said - in Estonia, the law states that the child care leave may last up to the third birthday of the child (but not necessarily that long) and this can be taken by either parent. (Obviously, mostly mothers stay at home. But not only.) So this "almost two years" which sounds like terribly long time from Kris's text is only two thirds of the max possible time :)
ReplyDeleteMa tundsin end selles viimases kommentaaris ära ;), aga minu jaoks ei ole see sugugi negatiivne muutus. Milleks ülepea ambitsioon? "New values", mida Sa ilmselt iroonilisena mõtlesid, ongi mul päriselt olemas ja ise olen rahul :D Aga ega sellest ei saa tegelikult enne aru, kui lapsed käes, räägi, mis tahad.
Muidugi - ega neid päris tõelise karjääri ja ambitsiooniga inimesi pole nii palju. Selge see, et kui tegemist on suuri avastusi tegeva teadlase või riikidevahelisi suhteid mõjutava poliitikuga, siis on iga tema aktiivsest tööelust eemaloldud kuu otsustava tähtsusega. Kui aga karjäär tähendab näiteks väikeettevõtte vanemkonsultandist peakonsultandiks või lausa juhataja asetäitjaks tõusmist, siis... no ma ei tea. Selle aastakese ikka kannatab?
"Here it's very typical for women to have their career peak before having kids and only decline after that." --- Mul on vist veidi vale tutvusringkond (enamikul ongi lapsed hetkel väikesed), aga esimese hooga mõeldes ei tule ette ühtegi lõplikult mandunud mammat; meenuvad pigem mõned sellised, kes on pärast lapse (paari)aastaseks saamist tagasi kooli läinud, kolm aastat kahe lapsega kodus olnud ja vanale tööle naasnud, üks pole lapse kõrvalt töötamist päriselt katkestanudki (ja ilmselt jätkab samas vaimus ka pärast teise sündi) jne. Võimalik muidugi, et nad on nii erilised, sp torkavad silma :) Aga ma tahtsin öelda seda, et kellel on säde sees, ei see mandu ka kaks või isegi kolm aastat kodus olles. Kellel ei olnud juba enne, selle jaoks on lapse saamine hea vabandus.
Ja see Ameerika süsteem on ikkagi väga tobe, leian ma. Sest seal pole naisel, kes oma imikuga koos tahab olla, muud võimalustki kui tööturult teadmata ajaks lahkuda. Eestis on vähemalt valikuvariant (mis siis, et ühiskonnas on selge eelistus pikaajalisemale kodusolemisele).
Ja mida siis selle paarikuise (või näiteks kuuekuise) lapsega teha? Sõime teda panna ei saa ega tohikski. Oled mehega vaheldumisi kodune (mõlemad poole kohaga ja kui veab, saab ka kodus lapse kõrvalt üht-teist teha)? Kõlab nagu väga normaalne (ja sobivalt võrdõiguslik:D) lahendus. Vanaema-vanaisa? Kui on selline võimalus - super. Annad hoidjale? Minu jaoks see enam nii normaalne ei kõla. Ok, mõned tunnid päevas ehk küll. Aga mitu pikka päeva järjest?
Pika ja segasevõitu (ma ei viitsinud wordi kopeerida, aga siin väikses aknas ei näe ju kogu teksti!) jutu kokkuvõtteks: laste saamine muudab tõesti väärtushinnanguid ja paneb asjad uude perspektiivi. Aga ega tõsine kutsumus seepärast siis ära ei kao, kui ka mõned aastad lastega kodus olla - arvan, et seda ei tasu Sul karta.
At Kris's request I shall put this comment up in English as well. ;)
ReplyDeleteJust to clarify what Kris said - in Estonia, the law states that the childcare leave may last up to the third birthday of the child (but not necessarily that long) and either parent can take this. (Obviously, mostly mothers stay at home. But not always.) So this "almost two years" which sounds like terribly long time from Kris's text is only two thirds of the max possible time :)
I recognized myself in your last comment ;) but for me the change is not a negative one at all. What good is ambition anyway? These “new values” that you meant in an ironic way – I seem to have acquired them and I don’t mind at all J But you can’t actually understand it fully until you have kids – think whatever you wish.
Of course, there are not THAT many people with a real (counting) career and/or ambition. Of course, when we are talking about a scientist on the verge of a great discovery or a politician influencing international relationships, every month of staying home counts. On the other hand, when career is just a small advance in a miniature company – I am not sure that there is any overall benefit. Perhaps it would be wiser to stay at home for a year and give the baby a good start?
"Here it's very typical for women to have their career peak before having kids and only decline after that." --- Most of my acquaintances at the moment have small kids, but I cannot think of any downwards-spiralling mother. Some have gone back to school, some have stayed at home for a couple of years and then continued at their earlier workplace, some have never actually ceased work (and will probably carry on after the birth of the second baby) etc. It is possible that they just stick out because they are so extraordinary. ;) But my point was that if you have “the sparkle”, it doesn’t matter if you spend 2 or 3 years at home. If you don’t have it – well, perhaps you didn’t have it initially and the baby is just an excuse?
And don’t mind my saying so but this American system sucks. When a mother wants to spend the first year with her baby, she doesn’t have any other possibility but to quit the job without knowing when and if she will find another. (of course, the whole employment system over there is so much different from ours.) In Estonia, you at least get to choose, even if the society in general prefers longer stays at home.
And what to do with the couple-of-months-old baby? You can’t put him/her into childcare centre. Take shifts with DH (half and half, if you are lucky, you can even work at home a bit)? Sounds very normal and gender equal solution. Grandparents? If there are any around and they are ready to take over – wonderful. A babysitter? Not that wonderful any more, I think. A couple of hours a day, at most.
To conclude: having kids will change your value system and puts things into new perspective. But don’t be afraid that your calling will fade if you stay at home for longer than six months; it it is true, it will hold on.
And just to add - actually, these conversations are quite meaningless until the baby is really born. I have witnessed several people stating one thing when not yet mothers and then changing their mind completely.
ReplyDeleteE.g. one woman said, too, that she will stay max 6 months at home. In reality - she went back to work when the kid was just turning 3 :) It is not probably and necessarily the case with you, Kris, but there are such people.
Oh that must have been a lot of trouble but it's very nice that you translated it. I actually said you should write comments in this blog in English in the future. But I think you had many valid points there, and many things that would be more eyebrow-raising for non-Estonians.
ReplyDeleteFor me staying at home too long will definitely have horrible consequences. I get aggitated when I don't get out of the house for 3 days. Or when Erkki is not around, 1 day is enough. 6 months seems like forever and 3 years seems like even more. :p
Yes, sure :) but actually there is also the possibility of getting out of the house with children (although not that easy, of course). With just one child, at some point I had a more active social life than I had had a couple of years before that.
ReplyDeleteBut this is, of course, true that if your only ... väljund? (I don't think that 'output' is the right word for it. Essence, perhaps?) is just being a mother then it will turn frustrating sooner or later. So I agree that you should keep on going to the gym and, why not, visiting the lab and keeping your eye on the stuff over there. Just better don't make any premature promises about going back to work full-time that soon. (Or perhaps we have misunderstood each other and that has not been your idea at all...)
Very frustrating thoughts for mid-pregnancy time. I am probably one of those moms Katrin mentions (the one who has never actually stopped working). And just to share a few of my experience so far (as a mother of one boy who will be four in spring and expecting another due about the same time as yours).
ReplyDeleteI dislike people taking such a strong and opinionated position about other people experiencing things they never have. My colleague who had her first child in may 2008 was terribly upset as she wanted to have a girl, but it when it was announced in ultrasound that it will be a boy, she cried for a day or two. Now she is a doting mother to her son and I really do think it would make no difference whatsoever in terms of what gender the child is. And she was also most determined to get back to work soon. And she has worked it out. The secretaries here in our institute love to dote on children :)
My baby was 2 month old when I took a sling and we came to listen to the bachelor theses deference (I had supervised 6 or 7 students for that important day). He was 8 month old when we went to our first scientific conference and he was a year and a half when I defended my PhD. And for the love of god, if you consider me doting mom because I like my son (I do think he is clever and smart and cool), then could you please revise :)
So, what I want to say is - yes, you can do it. You can definitely have a life, full of career, hobbies, individuality and personality. But it would be stupid not to change anything. Cause together with the challenges baby will offer, some of the good things no one probably has mentioned so far.
a) legitimately be able to sleep :)
b) efficiency - you learn to do your things in those 2-3 hours that the sleeping time allocates and you will do them better than any of your non-parenting colleagues as you have had the life's best lessons in efficiency.
c) some changes in values - they will come. unnoticed at first, quietly creeping up.
And yes, I have never been one for too many drinking parties, but I like my glass of wine or two (even now, when expecting). I have indulged in many all-night-boardgame-parties (hah, I am but a boring nerd :-) ). I have traveled a lot in last 4 years, I have published a lot (in my area 14 publications is quite a lot). I have organized international summer schools every year starting with a 4 month old baby in sling and with an attempt to do 2009 with 2. But what I think is different is that I really give space for unexpected. And my priorities will have slightly shifted. Work is important, but sick child is more important. Meeting deadlines is crucial, but exceptional perfection is less so.
So I wish you could keep your promises, but at the same time, revise them. Give room for change, unexpected and good :)
I'm starting to think there is something that desperately needs to be elaborated.
ReplyDeleteI HAVE STRONG OPINIONS. :) That's why I write a blog. When some people go around gathering information, I go around gathering opinions. Even about things I haven't experienced. I don't have to jump out of a plane to have an opinion that skydiving might be too intense for me. And I don't have to have kids to have an opinion that I will never become so accustomed to baby drool that I finish up a baby's meal after they're finished drooling in it.
If I just soaked up all other opinions like a sponge, there would be nothing to write about. I like talking with people, hearing what they have to say but at the end of the day, it doesn't change much. You see, each opinion is formed after hearing ten or twenty or thirty different opinions. Hence, each new opinion is just one of many.
Every once in a while I hear or experience something that makes me completely change my mind about a topic. Or when it's a new topic one opinion can become mine. Other than that, you shouldn't expect me to have a heureka moment now that I've heard new opinions.
I currently have an opinion that it must be possible to add a child to my life so that it doesn't become all I ever think about. What I think are not "promises". It is a way of thinking. And I shall keep it for now. And if I really do change them, it's to the blog-reader's pleasure to witness what could possibly make me turn into someone who tells their friends about their child's diarrhea and other icky stuff like that. Smaller changes are bound to happen, but I still think it is interesting to see which of my opinions will stay intact and which ones will change after I have the kid. It is interesting even for me. So anyway, I will not "revise" my way of thinking at your request but change is a basis for being alive and active (non-stagnant) and I never said I will not change. I just won't change into a hen with kids.
Actually, it is a good idea. I regret that I didn't come to it myself when it was still time.
ReplyDeleteI mean - putting down all the opinions, thoughts, standpoints etc about the future parenthood. And as I said, arguing about it (with people already in state of parenting) is futile. Besides, not all parents turn into hens :) So you have a chance there. (The question is how to define hen-ness :P )
Kristiina, maybe you are getting a little bit ahead of yourself. Silly Ni...
ReplyDeleteAhead of myself? impossible! that can not be! ;)
ReplyDelete