She has been crying a lot lately and this horrible experience has apparently left a mark since she has been very needy ever since teething started. I probably wouldn't mind if she was simply needy but she only needs ME. The last time I went to the gym and left kid with her grandparents she really was not happy. She started crying the moment she saw me leaving for the door and didn't stop until I was back home. That was truly weird because she normally seems very fond of the grandparents. It was real crying - tears, screaming, stiff fists and loud sobbing 
. And the horrible part is how she calmed down: the moment I was back home and held her in my hands she got quiet - like magic! She was still quite a sad sight with red watery eyes and still sobbing. It probably should feel nice to be so needed by someone, but I have been feeling horribly stressed ever since then. The word that came into my mind is this: PRISON.It generally works like this: baby wakes up and for the first hour I happily feed her, play with her, change her diaper, and sometimes give her a bath without a break. The second hour I start to feel like I should really do something useful as well - perhaps vacuum the carpet or simply tidy up the apartment. I give baby a toy and steal ten minutes to do something useful. She gets agitated so I report back to her every 2 minutes. "I'm still here baby. I'm 4 meters away. You can see me just fine. Play with your toy." I get very little done so make myself feel better by explaining to myself that I am being useful when I keep the baby company. The third hour I start to feel my mind shutting down. I have given up trying to do the dishes and I just really need some mental stimulation. I want to read the news. I want to sit and regain energy. I try to sit at the computer while constantly reassuring the baby, "I'm right here. Relax." But baby doesn't let me sit for long. She wants me to hold her so she starts to imitate the sound of crying and awaits my reaction. I can postpone this by acting cheerful for her although I'm thinking, "gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! A kingdom for some peace and silence."
Then I feed her and put her in bed for a short nap and all too soon the entire cycle starts from the beginning.It feels really good to go to the gym or even to a lecture. Can you imagine - I felt real joy from listening to a university lecture. Ah the freedom of uninterrupted thoughts. Ah the joy of listening to intelligent talk in stead of emotional gurgling. I do admit that a happily gurgling baby is really cute when it's your child but if it's your main form of communication day in and day out it becomes deeply mind numbing. Too much of anything is just too much. I feel consumed by my baby.
A mother's relationship with her baby might be tighter than any other kind out there but frankly every relation needs it's freedom. Could you EVER imagine dating someone who is really clingy, doesn't really understand you, spends every possible moment with you and the rest of the time calls you every 2 minutes saying, "I love you, whatcha doin'?"? How long would it take for you to turn off your phone just to get a break? 
What if he also calls you almost every hour at night and wants to chat for 10 minutes? Even now I write three words and then smile to the baby so she wouldn't demand that I hold her.
She smiles back cheerful as ever but the moment I even look away her sound becomes distressed. And when I accidentally show her even a hint of stress she becomes uneasy and needs me to hold her which only makes me feel more like a prisoner under tight surveillance. I do have a cute baby and it's a joy to play with her and I have done my best to keep her happy and calm. So far I didn't mind being there for her because I knew I can always take a little break from it all when I need it. But even the thought of not being able to go to any lectures or to do sports has made me feel imprisoned. 
It has become to wear me down because the high non-stop demand for my attention has become simply intolerable. I need to think this over. The situation will not improve on it's own but I'm sure there's a solution. She still stays fairly calm when Erkki is babysitting so I can still work out. Thank God for Erkki.
I will try to make baby take a nap when I have a lecture and my little brother is babysitting. This way I can stay sane for another month or two but during that time I need to train my baby to be less clingy because the current situation just isn't working for me. Truth be told, my recent stress might have something to do with how much I sleep. For over a week now I have woken up every 1 or 2 hours at night and usually get up between 8-9 a.m. Today I slept only four hours during which I woke up twice to feed the baby. This MIGHT be making me a little edgy.
There is good news in all this: even under these extreme conditions I have still not lost my temper with the baby. That's gotta be worth something, right?
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