Finding a Babysitter

Finding a stranger to hire to stay at your home and spend hours and hours with your baby is really difficult. The town is full of people who think of themselves as babysitters but most of them are not good enough for me. I want to find the perfect person who wont ruin my child's mental health for her entire lifetime. I want to find someone who is sweet and caring and might have a good impact on her.  It's not impossible. It's just highly unlikely.

I have been browsing through babysitter candidates for a couple of weeks and I've met with two people, neither of whom has what it takes. I'm sure I'll find someone by the end of summer but right now I'm obsessed with doing background checks and using my intuition. I've realized that it takes very little for someone to be scratched off the candidate list. There was one person who had posted a link to her Facebook page to show her picture and she had hid almost all other information about herself. There was only one other piece of data: her relationship status. She was in a relationship with someone who had a vodka bottle in his profile picture.  It wasn't even her profile picture and it was just a "funny" picture of a drunk mouse next to a vodka bottle but suddenly there was no way that I would contact her and see if she's available.

One candidate had written a funny advertisement: on the picture she had posted, she looked like a very emo young woman, with a lip and a nose ring and added a description how she has put her turbulent past behind her or something like that.  Good for you, but you certainly ain't getting close to my kid. I have nothing against lip rings or nose rings, but I am slightly prejudice against gloomy-looking people who have them and write gloomy descriptions of themselves.

Some people mention that they don't smoke or abuse alcohol. That's nice. After I had seen several advertisements that mentioned it, I started to feel cautious about the ones that didn't mention it at all. Maybe they smoke?  I have nothing against people who smoke - I used to smoke myself - but I would never hire a babysitter who is a smoker. They would have to manage 8 hours straight without having a cigarette. They will either sneak out to have a cigarette anyway, or they will end up being very easily irritated by anything that the kid might do wrong. Alcohol abuse is a difficult problem. How can you recognize it if the candidate turns up sober on her interview?! And call me sexist, but I would never hire a man for this.

It costs a fortune to hire a full time nanny. It takes nearly as much as I make. In a way it seems a good idea to just give up on the idea and stay home and take care of Liisa myself. It's the logical thing to do. But then I won't get out. And next year won't be any better either because my situation will not have changed, so I would have to stay at home for a third year as well. After one year I feel like my life is losing it's colors. Everything is turning gray and bleak. I feel a bit hopeless about going back to work because I feel like I fail at everything, while my mind tells me that's not even true!  Then I think, WAIT A MINUTE, that's not how I felt a year ago. It's a side-effect of staying at home and succeeding at nothing. That's the hardest think about being at home - it gives no opportunities to succeed.

And  before you even say it, it's impossible to succeed at being a mother. Some mothers take pride in potty-training their kid before they're 12 months old. I think, good for you. You must have been really bored to put the kid on the pot several times a day for MONTHS before they even had bladder control or ability to signal that they have to go potty. Everyone needs a hobby, I guess, but that's certainly not how I would like to spend my time. Some people in forums confess that they actively potty-train their kid for over a year and the kid is still in diapers. There are so many things to do and try in parenting that in the end it's impossible to do everything right. Besides, some people think it's parental failure if the child doesn't do what the parents say, and other people think it's parental failure to force a child within any kind of boundaries. Even forbidding a child candy for misbehaving is seen as mental terror by some idiots.  I wish I was exaggerating. There are as many opinions as there are parents. Just as everyone is right in their own way, they are also wrong in every other way. Siiri turned out great, sure, but half the "good" parents would crucify me for how long time she has spent watching cartoons on iPad. I don't think it's too long, but if she wakes up 3 hours before we do, she has 3 hours of unrestricted cartoon time.

The long pause when I didn't write any blog posts wasn't something I knowingly did. I simply didn't have anything to say because everything seemed kind of pointless anyway. I thought it had been about 5-6 weeks, but really it was over 2 months. Weeks began and ended without any change in my life. It's difficult to describe how little children make everything seem impossible. A few days ago I was giving the kids a bath while Erkki wasn't at home. At one point I found myself in a tough spot when I realized that I forgot to wash Siiri's hair before filling the bath. I was stuck with one hand on Liisa so she wouldn't climb into the bath tub and needing two hands to wash Siiri's head. Eventually I just put her in her crib in the other room and hoped she wouldn't cry. It's not often enough that I get to do things using both my hands. Today I peeled potatoes and carrots while holding Liisa who was pulling my hair. A few days ago I made cookies. It was the simplest recipe ever and then I rolled out the dough and then Liisa started demanding that I pick her up and make her dinner in stead (while still holding her). So I picked her up and stood there watching the rolled out cookie dough warming up while the oven was already hot enough to put it in the oven. Being one-handed so often gets really demotivating over time.

Finding a babysitter isn't something I could skip. Even if I were to decide that I wouldn't go back to school/work in September, I would still need a nanny for Liisa so I can get out of this rut. I don't know anyone who doesn't work or study and who would like to babysit Liisa and who would be good at it. Even Siiri's former babysitter is at home with a baby so she can't help.  My only option is to hire someone from outside my circle of friends/relatives. The choice is really difficult and it's really difficult to tell people I will not hire them. I can't wait for this to be over.

But the kids seem unaffected by my beginning (?) burnout. Siiri learned to read a couple of weeks ago. She can read simple words but it's still difficult for her so she only reads a couple of words before she wants to do something that she's good at. She loves numbers and counting. Just yesterday we counted numbers together so that she said one number and I said the next, then she said did. We had gotten to 67 when she was distracted by something she saw. Yes, she's only 3. I'm very proud of her. And she's starting kindergarten tomorrow!!! Liisa learned to walk holding one hand. She also sometimes stands for several seconds without holding on to anything at all. When she tries to step, she loses her balance. Also, she loves meat and vegetables and she sleeps really well at night. Wakes up once of twice, eats breast milk and sleeps like a baby. She also says a couple of words. She's 10 months old. I'm very proud of her too. 

More In Life

I haven't written in a while. I haven't done much of anything else either.  About a week after my previous post (contemplating whether I want a third child some time in the future), I started to feel tired. Everything felt so unchanged and I felt more and more trapped. It started out very subtly but pretty soon I couldn't wait for Erkki's vacation to begin. I had spent too little of my time and energy on my own needs: too little social contact, too little culture, too little pampering. Kids wake up at 8-9 a.m. and finally fall asleep at about 11 p.m. Even after Erkki came home from work and helped with dinner and bed time, it still didn't mean I could relax. He couldn't either, and he's been coping very well.  He spends most of his day outside and it gives him a break from the never-changing apartment. Over time, my plants started to wilt and I became kind of irritable for a week or two. And then Erkki had a vacation and Erkki's parents helped by baby-sitting Siiri. Also, I might have found a baby-sitter for Liisa for next year and I already scheduled a couple of classes for my PhD studies. I'm becoming hopeful that maybe I won't be trapped in here forever.

After I started to feel stay-at-home mother burn out, I spent a long time continuing my contemplation how I see my life and my family in the long run. The difference between two and three children seemed to subtly increase every time I thought of it. Whenever someone mentioned traveling, I thought, "Oh, I soooo miss traveling. But with three children, people don't travel much".  When someone mentioned going to the gym, I thought, "With three children it will be a long time before I get there." There are a lot of things people with three children don't get to do much. Or (as they probably like to think) they could do, but they have "other priorities". They have to divide their time and money somehow and sometimes cool things get left below the threshold line. They still have time to go camping with the family, but they generally don't have time to go to the movies with friends. They have the resources to have a child's birthday party on the town in a play room, but it feels too expensive for the parents to have a restaurant dinner for two. Parents have the time to drive their children from one sports activity to another but they themselves don't have time for exercising. It is about priorities and limited resources, mostly limited time.

Then I tried to figure out what my priorities really are. Children and family? Yes, definitely. Career? Can't live without it. Myself? If I didn't enjoy my life, I would be bad at both family and career related tasks, so sure, my own personal interests are also a priority. I want to advance my health by exercising and I want to keep mentally growing and evolving by experiencing new locations, movies, books, and art. I can do all that with three children, but then I'd probably stay up until midnight to finish up household chores. Or I'd have to constantly tell them,  "No I don't have time to draw with you. I'm reading".  Even when I'm at home, and not spending 8 hours in the lab, I barely have enough time to manage an apartment, the children and also have time to spend with Erkki. Twenty four hours in a day just aren't enough! I've had too little time for myself for way too long. I really don't do much just for my own sake. I need to get out and experience life! But a woman's life is her dedication to her children. Nooooooooo...  Traditional family model is flawed. There is so much more in life than just baby food and deciding whether it's too windy for only one layer of clothing. I need to do something MEANINGFUL.

It's not like children aren't meaningful. I mean that the tiny problems of everyday life as a stay-home mother are not meaningful. It doesn't really matter what the children eat exactly or what they wear exactly. I remember I often made several-component puree meals for Siiri. She had one puree in the middle and another puree as a side dish and then if she didn't like it, I offered something third. Liisa gets one puree, often warmed up from the previous day or thawed or even from a jar. She eats it, likes it and grows. It really doesn't matter, as long as I don't give her pureed pizza or the same food every meal. But currently such small "problems" are my only function in life, so I can't help but treat them as serious problems. But my entire life depends on mine and the children's moods, so such small problems have a way of escalating. One time my entire day was ruined when I forgot to take an extra layer of clothing for Siiri and myself. We went through the entire hassle of going outside, walked 20 minutes, felt too cold and then had to go home. But then Siiri had a tantrum because ... - because she's three years old -  and we didn't go out again.  All that trouble for nothing. It ended up affecting the entire day.

I'm not really good at this motherhood thing. I've gotten used to changing icky diapers and I've learned to be a lot more patient but I don't feel fulfilled. I dream of proving myself at work and I feel inferior to people who are more "useful" than I am. Perhaps part of the problem is my low social status at the moment. Our family is doing well financially but none of it is my doing. I do get the parents wages, but I'm only a student so I get the minimum. (Parents wages are received 1,5 years after giving birth and the amount depends directly on the income. The maximum is set at over 2000 € per month and only one parent can claim it when they stay at home with the child.) As an unemployed PhD student, I rank just as low as a homeless drug dealer. It's starting to affect how much I value myself. Anyone can feed a baby some puree and draw pictures with a 3-year-old. Such things don't give me any real sense of achievement. It's nice not to miss out on their early development and I am glad that I do receive at least that money but I know for sure that it's only a phase and certainly not my calling.

Don't misunderstand me - I do think that the years I spend at home are worth it because it's good for children's early development to spend time in a loving environment, especially if they can spend their days with a parent, and it's also worth the time because it's a wonderful learning experience. I have learned so much about myself, being assertive, being calm, teaching, and so on. It takes a lot of different skills and a certain mindset to be a mother. Unfortunately, it will also take time to abandon the mother's mindset and to become efficient outside home. At home it's important to plan very little and to be ready for anything. Don't expect to do any activity for more than 10-20 minutes, so start with the important parts and be ready to leave any moment. And if things are left unfinished, just continue some other time. This attitude has started affecting everything I do, including the way I work in the kitchen. My surroundings are scattered with unfinished tasks and I do them all at the same time. Baking has been my way of "concentrating" on one task: melting butter while whisking eggs while searching for other components... It's actually difficult to stay on topic while writing a blog post. A couple of years ago I started writing with an idea of the entire blog post. Now I just think of a general topic and hope that the blog post appears. It's almost unbelievable to think that I actually had the opportunity to THINK about the entire blog post without being distracted.

I mentioned that I'm hopeful that I will feel less trapped in the future.  Well, that's the future in my dreams. Currently, in my life, I feel completely trapped. Even when I think about needing to go to a hair-dresser next month, I get a bit sad. I can't go on a week-day. I know where my hair-dresser is but I can't make an appointment because I don't know the number. The last three times, I waited for the perfect moment to leave Erkki with the kids and then I started going from one beauty salon to another, asking if they have time to cut my hair. I still haven't taken the time to start going to the gym because I feel sorry for Erkki who would have to carry Liisa around while trying to stay on Siiri's daily schedule (dinner, bed-time). Well, sure, I do the same when Erkki's out for the evening but Liisa is friendlier with me and plays on the floor much longer. There is constantly so much that needs to be done at home and it just feels like too much effort to add anything new to the list. Twenty four hours a day and seven days a week just aren't enough.

I would have much more energy if I got more enjoyment out of life, so I'm going back to work and also back to the gym. Liisa is ready for it and I can't wait to have lunch with colleagues from my lab group, none of whom need to be spoon-fed or reminded that I won't swap their lunch for candy.  Oh, the joys in life.