More In Life

I haven't written in a while. I haven't done much of anything else either.  About a week after my previous post (contemplating whether I want a third child some time in the future), I started to feel tired. Everything felt so unchanged and I felt more and more trapped. It started out very subtly but pretty soon I couldn't wait for Erkki's vacation to begin. I had spent too little of my time and energy on my own needs: too little social contact, too little culture, too little pampering. Kids wake up at 8-9 a.m. and finally fall asleep at about 11 p.m. Even after Erkki came home from work and helped with dinner and bed time, it still didn't mean I could relax. He couldn't either, and he's been coping very well.  He spends most of his day outside and it gives him a break from the never-changing apartment. Over time, my plants started to wilt and I became kind of irritable for a week or two. And then Erkki had a vacation and Erkki's parents helped by baby-sitting Siiri. Also, I might have found a baby-sitter for Liisa for next year and I already scheduled a couple of classes for my PhD studies. I'm becoming hopeful that maybe I won't be trapped in here forever.

After I started to feel stay-at-home mother burn out, I spent a long time continuing my contemplation how I see my life and my family in the long run. The difference between two and three children seemed to subtly increase every time I thought of it. Whenever someone mentioned traveling, I thought, "Oh, I soooo miss traveling. But with three children, people don't travel much".  When someone mentioned going to the gym, I thought, "With three children it will be a long time before I get there." There are a lot of things people with three children don't get to do much. Or (as they probably like to think) they could do, but they have "other priorities". They have to divide their time and money somehow and sometimes cool things get left below the threshold line. They still have time to go camping with the family, but they generally don't have time to go to the movies with friends. They have the resources to have a child's birthday party on the town in a play room, but it feels too expensive for the parents to have a restaurant dinner for two. Parents have the time to drive their children from one sports activity to another but they themselves don't have time for exercising. It is about priorities and limited resources, mostly limited time.

Then I tried to figure out what my priorities really are. Children and family? Yes, definitely. Career? Can't live without it. Myself? If I didn't enjoy my life, I would be bad at both family and career related tasks, so sure, my own personal interests are also a priority. I want to advance my health by exercising and I want to keep mentally growing and evolving by experiencing new locations, movies, books, and art. I can do all that with three children, but then I'd probably stay up until midnight to finish up household chores. Or I'd have to constantly tell them,  "No I don't have time to draw with you. I'm reading".  Even when I'm at home, and not spending 8 hours in the lab, I barely have enough time to manage an apartment, the children and also have time to spend with Erkki. Twenty four hours in a day just aren't enough! I've had too little time for myself for way too long. I really don't do much just for my own sake. I need to get out and experience life! But a woman's life is her dedication to her children. Nooooooooo...  Traditional family model is flawed. There is so much more in life than just baby food and deciding whether it's too windy for only one layer of clothing. I need to do something MEANINGFUL.

It's not like children aren't meaningful. I mean that the tiny problems of everyday life as a stay-home mother are not meaningful. It doesn't really matter what the children eat exactly or what they wear exactly. I remember I often made several-component puree meals for Siiri. She had one puree in the middle and another puree as a side dish and then if she didn't like it, I offered something third. Liisa gets one puree, often warmed up from the previous day or thawed or even from a jar. She eats it, likes it and grows. It really doesn't matter, as long as I don't give her pureed pizza or the same food every meal. But currently such small "problems" are my only function in life, so I can't help but treat them as serious problems. But my entire life depends on mine and the children's moods, so such small problems have a way of escalating. One time my entire day was ruined when I forgot to take an extra layer of clothing for Siiri and myself. We went through the entire hassle of going outside, walked 20 minutes, felt too cold and then had to go home. But then Siiri had a tantrum because ... - because she's three years old -  and we didn't go out again.  All that trouble for nothing. It ended up affecting the entire day.

I'm not really good at this motherhood thing. I've gotten used to changing icky diapers and I've learned to be a lot more patient but I don't feel fulfilled. I dream of proving myself at work and I feel inferior to people who are more "useful" than I am. Perhaps part of the problem is my low social status at the moment. Our family is doing well financially but none of it is my doing. I do get the parents wages, but I'm only a student so I get the minimum. (Parents wages are received 1,5 years after giving birth and the amount depends directly on the income. The maximum is set at over 2000 € per month and only one parent can claim it when they stay at home with the child.) As an unemployed PhD student, I rank just as low as a homeless drug dealer. It's starting to affect how much I value myself. Anyone can feed a baby some puree and draw pictures with a 3-year-old. Such things don't give me any real sense of achievement. It's nice not to miss out on their early development and I am glad that I do receive at least that money but I know for sure that it's only a phase and certainly not my calling.

Don't misunderstand me - I do think that the years I spend at home are worth it because it's good for children's early development to spend time in a loving environment, especially if they can spend their days with a parent, and it's also worth the time because it's a wonderful learning experience. I have learned so much about myself, being assertive, being calm, teaching, and so on. It takes a lot of different skills and a certain mindset to be a mother. Unfortunately, it will also take time to abandon the mother's mindset and to become efficient outside home. At home it's important to plan very little and to be ready for anything. Don't expect to do any activity for more than 10-20 minutes, so start with the important parts and be ready to leave any moment. And if things are left unfinished, just continue some other time. This attitude has started affecting everything I do, including the way I work in the kitchen. My surroundings are scattered with unfinished tasks and I do them all at the same time. Baking has been my way of "concentrating" on one task: melting butter while whisking eggs while searching for other components... It's actually difficult to stay on topic while writing a blog post. A couple of years ago I started writing with an idea of the entire blog post. Now I just think of a general topic and hope that the blog post appears. It's almost unbelievable to think that I actually had the opportunity to THINK about the entire blog post without being distracted.

I mentioned that I'm hopeful that I will feel less trapped in the future.  Well, that's the future in my dreams. Currently, in my life, I feel completely trapped. Even when I think about needing to go to a hair-dresser next month, I get a bit sad. I can't go on a week-day. I know where my hair-dresser is but I can't make an appointment because I don't know the number. The last three times, I waited for the perfect moment to leave Erkki with the kids and then I started going from one beauty salon to another, asking if they have time to cut my hair. I still haven't taken the time to start going to the gym because I feel sorry for Erkki who would have to carry Liisa around while trying to stay on Siiri's daily schedule (dinner, bed-time). Well, sure, I do the same when Erkki's out for the evening but Liisa is friendlier with me and plays on the floor much longer. There is constantly so much that needs to be done at home and it just feels like too much effort to add anything new to the list. Twenty four hours a day and seven days a week just aren't enough.

I would have much more energy if I got more enjoyment out of life, so I'm going back to work and also back to the gym. Liisa is ready for it and I can't wait to have lunch with colleagues from my lab group, none of whom need to be spoon-fed or reminded that I won't swap their lunch for candy.  Oh, the joys in life.