Women are supposed to find their ability to truly love someone when they see their children and suddenly all else becomes pointless. A true woman's life goal is to raise children and devote herself to their well-being. In the common myth, they devote themselves entirely and they enjoy it. They find pleasure in everything that their child does and they are sad if the child does bad things. Never angry, never annoyed. Just happy and loving everything about it. They only regret when they have to spend time apart from the child, but they never regret the time they spend away from the hobbies and friends they had before.That, I'm afraid, is not always so. I've been trying to find out if it's ever so. Are there really women who love mothering more than anything else in the whole world; who get pure pleasure and happiness from making dinner and washing dishes, changing diapers and getting a squirming toddler into a pajama.
I was reading articles about motherhood a few nights ago and the titles all focused on this version of truth, they were about career women having children and some quote was taken out of context, about how much pleasure the children really are, enforcing the view that children bring true happiness and are a pleasure to take care of. Women in their late thirties saying that they wouldn't change motherhood for anything else in the whole world. It gives the impression as if motherhood itself is enjoyable. Which means those people really enjoy the time they spend at home, taking care of little children. 
Majority of that time is cleaning, changing clothes, washing the child, preparing food, and playing with the child. I kinda like playing with my children and teaching them new things. I dislike all the rest of it. And really - do you know any woman who gets true pleasure in doing those other chores? If yes, is she sane? 
Also, if motherhood in itself is so wonderfully enjoyable, so completely fulfilling, why is depression so common among mothers. And why is it such a common thing to say that even mothers need a break and they need their own time too.
In a way I feel guilty for not enjoying a day (after day after day ...) spent doing chores, while keeping my children alive and well. It's as if I'm supposed to love it, because motherhood is so wonderful, as I've heard. I feel like it makes me a worse mother because I do those chores because I have no choice, and I would be a better mother if I was happily humming a tune while wiping the kitchen table of half-eaten food because that's the best job in the world. Or what does it really look like if a woman enjoys it? Maybe I'm just too lazy.
Maybe if I was diligent and energetic, I wouldn't mind the chores and I would spend my energy on loving the kids. Generally, my laziness is nicely balanced with my ambitiousness and my enjoyment at reaching my goals, but at home, there are no goals. It's just monotonous grind: clean the table, wash the kid, change the clothes. It's so mind numbing The wonderful things that children do give it some meaning and purpose but all in all, I wouldn't say it's enjoyable.For a long time I had so many chores at home that I just gave up on enjoyment. I tried to find pleasure in the little things and just found ways to get by. I didn't set any goals, I tried not to have any expectations. If bed time took longer, then it took longer, if children had a tantrum then there wasn't much I could do about it. Just survive until they're older and they don't need help with bed time and they don't have temper tantrums anymore. It's gotten much better now that Liisa is a toddler but I haven't notices significant increase in m happiness level. I mean, I am much happier than a few months ago, but only because I get to go to work now. I expect to enjoy the time I spend with my children more. Waiting for the children to be able to take care of themselves takes too long, at least 4 more years. Until then, I don't want to just get by, I want to enjoy my life and it includes two children and a husband so I have to figure out how to really enjoy my life with my family.
I can't get past the hours of chores. Whether I like it or not, there is so much that I have to do. Even when I spend hours at home, barely a moment is spent on activities that I actually enjoy. Even when I draw with Siiri (enjoyable activity) I also have to keep Liisa from running away with sharp pencils (a chore: keeping a child from harm) or when I read a book with Liisa (enjoyable activity) I also have to deal with constant interruptions (small chores: getting water for Siiri, confiscating a small toy from Liisa, etc). I enjoy the time I spend in the lab because I get to advance some goals and I get a sense of accomplishment. At home, all my goals are on pause. It's like taking a lunch break in the middle of a busy day - everything waits to be continued and life sits still. Maybe I need goals at home? Yes, makes sense. But my goal can't be directly attached to my children. I can't set a goal to potty-train Liisa in two months, because it's not up to me and it would be unfair to her. Besides, it's not really something to brag about, because it would still be Liisa who becomes potty-trained. I can set a goal to clean the apartment, but repeatedly achieving the same goal makes it give less and less pleasure. Besides, what stupid kind of a goal is it to clean the apartment. It's a tiny personal goal with no impact on anything. I doesn't advance the big picture in any way. Maybe some of my obsessions are really just desperate attempts to set goals in stead. Even my gingerbread cookie project hides a goal to find the perfect gingerbread cookie recipe. When this goal advanced, I felt alive!
I still put so much energy into trying to be a good mother. Having my children grow up in a caring supportive environment is one of my goals. But for that to work, it would be really helpful if I didn't have a constant sense of needing to do something more meaningful. Aren't they supposed to be the meaning of my life? I'm doing something wrong. My life is perfect, so why do I enjoy it less than a few years ago when I could spend hours playing Baldur's Gate, and staying up all night whenever I wanted. In a way I do feel more fulfilled now but I should enjoy it more. Being a mother of two cute and amazing healthy girls should be the definition of "bliss". I am doing something wrong and I can't figure out how to fix it. A good mother is a happy mother and a happy mother is one who enjoys their time AND spends a lot of time with her children.
I think it also applies to Erkki. I don't remember him ever telling me, "oh you go out, I would love to spend the next few hours taking care of children.". He tells me, "We'll be fine. Go have fun", with the added assumption that "fun" is out there, not at home taking care of toddlers.
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