Decision Made

Regarding my chance to go to Spain (see previous post), I've reached a decision. I'm not going. I kept making up new reasons why I should or should not go. I had several concerns. I was afraid I might pass up on a wonderful opportunity because of fear that I could end up homesick in a foreign country. I was afraid that Siiri will stop trusting me - currently she gladly waves goodbye when I leave home because she trusts that I will come back at the end of the day. If I go away for a month I could shatter that trust and not regain it for a long time, or never. I was afraid such travels will get increasingly difficult to organize if I have more children and then I'll regret it later. I felt guilty that so many people would have to make extra effort for my sake because I'm not around to decide Siiri's food, bathing, clothing, etc. Erkki wouldn't be able to have an active social life if he has to get someone to keep an eye on Siiri every time. Currently we mostly take turns for late night events.

I kept jumping for one reason to another while none of them were convincing enough to make a decision based on that. Then I thought, what if it was reversed? What if Erkki came home one day and said, "I have a job opportunity to spend a month in Spain. I would learn new things, but if I don't go, then I will be able to learn them later from whoever goes in stead. My career doesn't depend on it. It would make little difference on my CV. I don't have to go... but... It would be fun! Sure you'll have to take care of Siiri, and I'll THINK of you guys. But imagine, I could have my lunch under a palm tree, I could party with people I don't even know yet, I could spend time in Spain surrounded by warm and friendly people. I bet I would have a great time!". I thought about it and I was immediately convinced I would consider him selfish if he proposed something like this. I thought, what do you mean you want to spend a month apart? And I'd do all the hard work while you're enjoying yourself? I couldn't realistically imagine him asking something so selfish from me. I realized he would probably have said no without even considering it for more than a few minutes. He might have thought, "I can't do that to Kristiina. It's not fair.". And that's when I decided it would be fun to go, but it would be unfair to Erkki and Siiri and even to the nanny and Siiri's grandparents for expecting then to make extra effort while I'm in sunny Spain.

Actually if Erkki had a chance like this, I wouldn't tell him not to go because all of us have only one life and chances like this shouldn't be passed for little reason.

I'm sure I'll have many chances to regret it but there is one thing to remember: I travel a lot. While many people only go abroad a couple of times during their life, I've been to England, Denmark, Germany, Finland, Egypt and USA in the last few years and during my entire life, I've visited almost all European countries, plus USA and Egypt. There is no way that I will suddenly stop traveling and I shouldn't feel sad that I missed one trip. Perhaps I'll go to Spain in 10 years with Siiri and I'll even visit the countryside instead of living in a big city for a whole month without a car or a driver's licence.