First Tantrum

This is how it happened: Siiri was crawling on the living room floor. She saw the knee-height palm tree, got hold of a leaf and started yanking on it, making the entire plant and it's heavy pot waver. "No, don't!" said Erkki, and carefully took her hand away from the plant. Siiri tried again. Erkki repeated, and I also said, "No, don't pull on it, the plant could fall on you and you'll get hurt!". Neither of us yelled but we did our serious voice. Siiri tried again. And again. And then suddenly started crying VERY LOUDLY without any warning! It didn't escalate from complaining or from sadness. It really just went from quiet to breathless uncontrollable screaming sobbing in less than a second. I thought I had heard all the different kinds of crying but this was completely new. There was nothing that could have triggered her outrage, except for being ordered not to pull on the leaves. Siiri cried uncontrollably for a couple of minutes but soon after, she was smiling and laughing again, being cute towards both me and Erkki. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't been there myself. And here I thought 8 and a half month old babies don't throw tantrums.

A long long time ago when I was still pregnant I thought I would never start to constantly use "we" when talking about the baby. It's almost like losing one's own identity. Mother and child becoming an inseparable unit. When you talk to one you talk to both. I've seen it happen so often and it's always quite disturbing to witness. Now the moment of truth - do I say things like "we are now 8 months old" or "we can crawl now"? ... The answer is: No, I don't. In stead, I do something almost as disturbing but quite different - I say "we" when talking about anything parenting-related, as in I have been replaced with Me and Erkki. Have you noticed? I say things like "we are teaching baby to self-soothe" or "we started giving her finger-foods", when I mean that I started something and advised Erkki to do the same. In nearly all parenting issues I have lost my individuality and Me has become We.

Perhaps it's a necessary shift. When something involves parenting, there is little room for individuality between parents. Good cop and bad cop routine is horrible when you're trying to teach your child that rules are absolute. Some rules are simple: "Thou must not chew on electric chargers", while other rules need to be decided beforehand. It becomes really confusing for the child when parents expect different rules to be followed depending on who is watching. When Siiri had a habit of chewing on everything, I didn't allow her anywhere near remote controls. One time I saw Erkki letting her fiddle with the TV-remote, letting her try out all the buttons, but stopping her whenever she tried to take a bite. Siiri tried a few times but settled into quiet happy fiddling. In the future, I also let her play with the remote and stopped her from tasting it. Worked out fine.

More often I'm the one who initiates new rules, simply because I spend more time with Siiri. I keep Erkki informed of the decisions I make and regularly discuss everyday matters to keep our parenting methods as similar as possible. Earlier I thought it was inevitable that parents have different parenting methods. If mom doesn't allow candy before supper the child immediately goes and asks dad. Ain't it typical? It's seen as a norm that one parent is easy while the other is tough. People rarely stop to ask what it does to the child. It's bad enough to be expected to follow rules, worse still when you can never be sure what the rules are!

So yes, I have become a "we" with my husband even when sometimes it would be much more correct to say "I". And I regularly talk about everyday matters with him. I sometimes even call him in the middle of the day to ask minor questions like, "hey, would you let Siiri pat the window?". Sounds an awful lot like a classic homely housewife... Such behavior has too many positive effects to try to stop myself. It also has a down-side. As a result of such "we"-talk I don't always give myself enough credit, as in, me and Erkki are equally parents but I'm the one who doesn't also have a job.

Not so simple with babysitters. It would take a hundred-page manual to teach how to correctly take care of my baby. To make matters simpler, I usually just encourage them not to worry too much. If they just keep to her nap and feeding schedule and the baby is happy and safe then all is good. What about today's tantrum? Perhaps Siiri's first tantrum was caused by different people allowing different levels of freedom... Perhaps Siiri has been playing with that plant earlier with a babysitter and now couldn't understand this new rule. Just a theory.

By the way, when it comes to teething, we are getting there!!! (later added comment: I mean she! SHE is getting there. A friend had to point this out because I didn't notice. Now I'm worried.) I found the 7th tooth today! One more and we've got the full first set before molars at 13-19 months of age.