Little World

I'm worried about September. It's only two weeks away and that's when I planned to continue with my studies and work with the laboratory. Everything tells me it's gonna be really tough.

Is it worth the effort, I wonder. I keep reading that children are young for such a short time that the mother should cherish every moment of it. Often Estonians seem to think that mother really should stay home with the child for at least a year and perhaps even for nearly 3 years until the child goes to kindergarten. In a way I agree because I'm sure Siiri would prefer to stay home with me for as long as possible. And I really do want her to have a pleasant childhood. Perhaps staying at home for three years with Siiri would be the best for her and if I go back to the laboratory I'll just end up miserable and stressed and Siiri will be very upset with me because I don't pay enough attention to her. So is it really worth going back to work any sooner than necessary?! Every time I get such doubts I think of myself for a moment and I think how three years would distance me from the real world.

Some of you are probably thinking that you ARE in the real world when you are at home, but I assure you, being at home for a few hours every evening is not the same as spending a few months or even years without any clear routine. After a while the world starts to shrink. Life becomes more and more simple - there's the kitchen, there's the living room. All the obligations are invented by yourself. I have decided that it's my obligation to make myself useful while Erkki at work. Usually this means I tidy all frequently used surfaces and wash the dishes. That's not really a big task but when I've done it I suddenly feel like my entire day was well spent. I try not to think about the list of tasks Erkki does every day. If I really thought about it I would no longer get any real feeling of accomplishment from my simple self-invented obligations.

After only 3 months at home I'm already starting to misjudge the difficulty of simple tasks. Imagine this scene - A little before noon I wake up for the fourth time since 9 o'clock. Baby is hungry and impatient, so I swiftly get half-dressed and take her to the living room to feed her. I yawn and try not to fall asleep. Then I turn on the TV to banish my boredom. I click the channels (There's nothing on TV. Again. ) and I notice that there are a couple of dirty dishes that I could just pick up and put in the sink. But I can't. I'm feeding the baby. Then I finish feeding and I burp her. Again I notice the dishes. They are so close! It would take only seconds to put them in the sink but much longer with the baby on my shoulder. Then I put the baby down but she's especially lively. How can I NOT play with a cute and lively baby? So I play with her for a while. Then she wants to be held and I take her on my shoulder again. The dishes stay on the table. And when I finally get a free moment and I put the dishes in the sink I really feel like I've climbed a mountain!

Most of the time at home I'm actually pretty bored. I find simple entertainment for myself. In the beginning I tried to think it interesting for myself. I just tried to imagine boring things were fun in their own unique way. "WOW! When was the last time I really just sat and did nothing? Isn't it fun to not be distracted by TV and Internet for a full hour?". By now this subtle taste of boredom has become a lifestyle. When I have a moment to spare, I waste it doing nothing. Pretty sad really. It's harder and harder to get enthusiastic about anything. Maybe I've over-used fake enthusiasm with boring things. Or maybe the world has just become so small already that it has no room for big emotions.

I've really tried my best to stay active even though I don't work at the moment. Truth be told, on Mondays I exercise, on Wednesdays I play role-playing games, on Thursdays I exercise, on either Friday or Saturday I either go out or we have guests over. Having at least four active evenings per week is what I'd call staying very active when there's a 3-month old in the picture. But even this didn't prevent the world from shrinking. I have to concentrate to get enthusiastic about things I actually really love doing.

It's no wonder that September horrifies me at the moment but when I really think about it I really need to continue with school and the laboratory to be able to enjoy my free time. I need to have real obligations to have real free time. It's still gonna be really difficult but I think it's worth the effort.

Update about last post: After a while baby stopped waking up and I got some sleep. She ate early in the morning and went back to sleep. The next day she had built up such an appetite that there was no sign of breast refusal anymore. Being assertive really helps. If I had let her eat during the night I would have deserved to be woken up many times during the next night. Such things really need to be resolved as soon as possible so baby doesn't get any bad habits.

Baby update: She has suddenly become so smart. Her facial expressions show a clear personality and lots of inner strength and resolution. She doesn't speak but the sounds she makes show pretty clearly what emotion she's trying to communicate. Actually she technically doesn't speak because she doesn't understand the meaning of words but she has learned to say "emme" (mommy in English) when she wants my attention. When I let her play on her own and she gets frustrated she makes a sound "ennnnggge" which sounds exactly like "emme" when she says it. Babies are unable to say closed-mouth letters (m, b, p) until they're about 5 months old. Siiri's "ennngge" is not random. I always respond with "mommy's here" and sometimes it's enough for her. But then other times she keeps repeating it until I go and pick her up. Cute AND smart!