She really is amazingly reasonable for her age so I decided to analyze what parenting advice and tips have worked for us. Of course this is all with the disclaimer that her excellent behavior might just be temporary and might end as soon as she has to share her parents with another sibling. Also, maybe her "horrible threes" will be much worse than "horrible twos". But right now things are much better than I could have anticipated.
Before we had any kids, me and Erkki said that life would be much better if we could completely skip the first three years of the child's life. I no longer agree with that. I think it's okay to just skip the first two years.
Some children are perfectly capable of compromise long before they're three and it's truly adorable to see them learn to talk. Siiri said about 150 words a month before she turned 2-years old and didn't combine any of them into phrases. Now nearly 5 months later she talks in long sentences which might not always be grammatically correct but they're very easy to understand. Her grammar is WAAAAAY better than what I'd expect from anyone her age - she ignores word order in sentences (not so important in Estonian language) but really tries to add proper word endings (very important in Estonian language). Most of what she says is also understandable to strangers because her pronunciation is good. Her speaking skills are probably a major reason why she's so easy to compromise with.
Things that work:
1 - Basic needs are satisfied. A kid will always make your life hell if they're starving, exhausted or feeling very uncomfortable. If your kid wakes up hungry and tired then assume that you can't expect anything good of their behavior until they get some food and properly wake up. No point in making any ultimatums or punishing them for "bad behavior". The bad behavior will pass once the problem is solved. That means it's more important to give them what they need in stead of what they think they want. And sometimes what they need is a cookie until food is done so it's good to be ready for exceptions. Keep in mind that I said "starving" not "hungry" and "exhausted" not "tired". There is no reason for a kid to be fussy and whiny whenever it's bed time or whenever they kinda feel like having a snack and such attitude shouldn't be encouraged in any way.
2 - Never break a promise and treat all casual deals as promises. "I'll give you a candy for dessert" is a promise. "I'll make you rice tomorrow" is a promise. Anything you say must be treated as severely as if you had just promised it on someone's grave. And you know why that's so important? Because if you go to a store with the kid and they REALLY want something and you tell them "I will give it to you after we've paid for it." then the kid will trust you. There will be no reason to argue because they know it's only a matter of time until they get what they asked for. Siiri really will hand over the cookies without any fuss so I can put them in the cart and she won't mention them until we've paid for the cookies and she tells me, "now cookie" and I give her the cookie as soon as I possibly can. If she forgets my promise, I will tell her, "here's the cookie. Now we've paid for it and I told you you can have it after we've paid for it". I will do my best not to cheat her out of it. If we both forget, I will give her the cookie as soon as I remember and I remind her why I'm giving it to her and I apologize for forgetting it earlier. Siiri knows she can trust her parent with any claim.
A couple of days ago early in the morning (7 a.m.) Siiri came to our room asking for food. I told her I'll make her porridge like every morning and she added, "and then candy". "Siiri, I'm not sure if we have any candy right now". She thought for a moment and repeated in a calm tone, "porridge, then candy". "okay Siiri, we might have some weird licorice candy. I can give you one candy after porridge.". But I was so tired I completely forgot. I remembered the promise late in the evening and also mentioned it to Erkki. The next day I got up when Erkki had already made her porridge and just gone to work. I took one licorice candy and gave it to Siiri with the full explanation of forgetting it and how she was supposed to have it "yesterday after porridge". Siiri looked at me very oddly.
She accepted the candy looking really confused and ate it very slowly, almost like she was feeling guilty for eating something she wasn't supposed to have. I assumed she had completely forgot about the promise and was simply confused. I found out later that Erkki had already given her a candy after porridge, a candy that she had received very happily with no confusion or guilt.
3 - Be willing to compromise. For me, a simple "no" is still negotiable. If I say, "No, don't jump there.", Siiri sometimes replies, "Jump a little bit". I agree, "Okay, only jump a little bit". She jumps a few more times and says, "now is enough" and stops jumping. We had a deal and she was just as eager to do like we agreed. That's a 2-year-old making a deal and staying true to it.
Sometimes she continues to argue for a better deal but she won't demand that I let her continue to jump after we have already reached a compromise. Exceptions are possible if she's exhausted or feeling starving.
4 - Have a non-negotiable way of saying "NO!". Sometimes a no means no. That's the best way you can get the child to take you seriously. The kid can't assume that you're always willing to be flexible. We usually use the word "last" as an absolute. She can't watch any videos after the "last video" and she can't have any cookies after the "last cookie". It's simply not negotiable and won't even try to negotiate. Also, "no, it's dangerous" is a non-negotiable way of saying "no!".
5 - Differentiate between "must" and "not good" and "not polite". Kids live within hundreds of rules and people keep telling them what to do and what not to do. That's normal. Kids need rules. Just never treat suggesions as rules. It isn't nice to tell the kid, "Now you must say thank you." and a bit later, "you must not run across the street". Those two can't possibly be told as equally severe rules. The child will soon find that she can ignore most of the "must"-rules and might try ignoring some that really do matter. I always try to rank the rules and also give a reason for the rule whenever possible. "It's polite to say thank you", "you must never run across the street, otherwise you might get hit by a car", "You shouldn't/It's not good to climb here, it's too easy to fall in here.", "I really wouldn't recommend...", "Be very careful with...", "Please don't yell, it might bother other people" etc. Don't just tell the child to blindly follow hundreds or equally strict rules because when you think about it, some "rules" are really only suggestions. As a result of ranking rules, when I tell Siiri that something is dangerous, she will stop immediately and she's becoming more and more open to any suggestions that might make her "more polite".
6 - No physical punishment. I still think that physical punishment becomes "necessary" only when the parent is doing a horrible job with parenting and such a parent is usually just lashing out their own disappointment with their own failure. The kid breaks rules because of not understanding why it was important not to do that (parents didn't explain well enough) or thought he/she could get away with it (parents did something wrong). Sometimes a kid will deliberately break a rule for attention or for simply being Damien-incarnation.
Then the parent should consider a child psychiatrist to find out what went wrong with parenting and what can be improved. If the parents are too poor and too uneducated for any other solution than imminent physical punishment, then okay - I do accept that there are different families and situations. Simply, the parents shouldn't think it was either unavoidable or a valid parenting method.
7 - Treat your child as a human. Her ideas, thoughts and feelings matter. That being said, parenting is basically just extended human experiments. Pavlov is sometime seen as a jerk for teaching dogs to drool when he rings a bell but most of parenting is pretty similar. Parents teach children to get tired when they lie down in bed, have appetite when they sit at the table to eat, think of a toilet when they need to pee. It's all about habits and it's all taught with repetition.
8 - Actions have a consequences. Give the kid opportunity to make her own mistakes and let her deal with the consequences. Warn her about the possible dangers and stop her if consequences would be too severe but everyday life is full of opportunities to let her make decisions that have clear outcome. The kid doesn't want to finish her meal? Fine. It's up to her. She'll be hungry until the next meal but that's her choice. I might give something really boring (e.g. bread) as an alternative. Or if she's disrespectful with electronics, I will put it out of her reach.
9 - Let the kid decide some details. "Rice or potatoes?", "Doll or Legos?", "Blue dress or red dress?" - it's just details. Kids seem much more agreeable if they're the one who decided in the first place. By letting the kid decide some things you can make your life easier and also let the child practice making her own decisions. It will help her be less of a tag-along later in life as well. Besides, Siiri has a natural talent with making decisions and sticking with it. Some might call this personality trait stubbornness but I really love it about her. A colleague of mine joked that Siiri is more decicive at the age of two than she herself will ever be. Siiri knows what she wants but she's still willing to compromise with most things. It's perfect.
10 - Respect the child's "no". Try not to force her when it's not truly necessary. Respect her wishes too! Some parents tickle their child for a long time after the child clearly has told them to stop. That's just being a jerk towards the child. When Siiri says "no", then we stop and then she takes a breath and often says, "now tickle more".
. When we need to give her medicine and she says, "no" then that falls under non-negotiable and then we explain why it's necessary. Parents still have the final say.
Hope you got some ideas and thoughts. Siiri's just so wonderful. I hope the next kid turns out just as awesome.
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