Best Husband

My life is finally closer to what it should be. I feel pretty busy and that's nice. Last Thursday I played Dungeons and Dragons, on Friday we met with Erkki's parents, on Saturday me and Erkki went out for breakfast and in the evening got together with a bunch of friends in a pub, Sunday was spent mostly just chilling out but we also went out for sushi (YAY! TASTY DANGEROUS STUFF!), Monday I met with a friend with two kids, Tuesday I had my "Mage: The Ascension" role-playing game, today I'm going to the movies with my good friend, tomorrow I have Dungeons and Dragons, Friday is still free time, but Saturday will probably be spent cross-stitching with the girls and watching girly shows. So basically, one entire week of activity and even plans for the future. Ah, just like it should be!

Actually my hands are kinda shaky. I just called my driving instructor and I have a lesson next week. This blog is helpful. I was gonna write I still haven't called him, but I stopped at mid sentence and picked up my phone. I have no idea whether I manage to get my licence before birth or not. I just figure that no matter what happens - I need to keep my little tiny driving skills alive so I don't give up altogether. I assume I'll still end up taking the exams afterwards and I won't feel stressed about getting my licence in the next 3 months.

That leaves the dentist, school stuff and exercising.

Pregnancy updates - I have no pain or discomfort. And still no stretch marks. I'm 26 weeks pregnant tomorrow. My tummy is definitely growing and changing shape - it's become firmer and rounder. My weight, however, has barely changed. Remember the 3-weeks-1-kg weight gain plan? Well it's been 2 weeks and 0.6 kilos so I'm well on schedule. Maybe this is why I have no discomfort. Some women already get sharp pains because the baby is starting to take up too much room. And some women are helpless by that time because their weight center has changed so much. Well OK, I find it uncomfortable to do things where my abs are suddenly needed - like getting up from sitting on the floor or sitting in a chair where back rest is a bit too far and the body must keep its shape and balance with help from stomach muscles. My poor abs are stretched out all around the baby so using them means I squish the baby against my internal organs. I avoid it when I can.

I have a new dangerous habit. In the morning I eat 3 eggs that are medium rare. Egg white is hard-boiled but yolk is completely raw. Actually depending on the size of the egg, sometimes I get the boiling time wrong so some of the egg white is also kinda raw. But when I open the egg it still looks so tasty that I don't care and I just eat it. I've eaten eggs like that since I was a kid and I haven't had salmonella yet. But I never ate 3 eggs daily. We'll see. I just know I love how they taste and I get lots of proteins too.

Something unexpected - I had a couple of really moody days. When I'm being moody it seems perfectly justified for me to pout for an hour when I don't like what politicians are saying to the press. My husband is more objective and he knows I usually just skip what the politicians say and definitely don't use such pointless things as an excuse to pout. But for a couple of days, any excuse was good enough. "I over-cooked the pasta. I spilled some water. I hurt my knee against the chair. Dinner just doesn't taste RIGHT. This pillow is lumpy. My desk is stupid. My computer is TOO SLOW. " ...suddenly all those seem perfectly good reasons to sulk grimly.

I'm normally pretty calm and relaxed so when I had been surprisingly moody two days straight, my husband started to suspect it's not just by chance. He told me what he suspected so I took out the calendar and counted days. As it turns out it was roughly the time I would have PMS if I wasn't pregnant. He recognized all the signs. A couple of days later, I'm back to my normal self again. I also had PMS on the second and third pregnancy month. Probably it's been happening every month even when I didn't notice. Poor Erkki.

Actually Erkki has been really great throughout the pregnancy. We spent six weeks apart because I was in another laboratory across the world and now we're closer than we've been in years. We're like TOTALLY lovey-dovey. Every morning we're happy to see each other, "Good morning, honey! Did you sleep well?", every day we talk over the messenger, "Hi darling, how's your day?" and every evening we're being all disgustingly cute - hugging each other because of the HOURS-long separation and playing Guitar Hero: World Tour together (he's on the guitar, I sing) or we just make dinner together and then watch a movie sitting with our elbows touching. When we're out with other people, we behave in a more civilized manner, but pretty soon it feels like a forever since we last hugged and we send each other air-kisses when no one is looking.

We also have conversations about how we will raise our child. It's a casual part of our life now. We're just playing separate computer games in the same room and suddenly one of us says, "What if our kid is like a Duracell bunny?". I initiated such conversations way more often than Erkki for a long time, but now even he is thinking about such things. I suspect the pregnancy became real for him when he felt the baby move with his own hand. Just yesterday he suddenly said, "I had a scary thought - when the kid goes to school, we will have to wake up before 8 a.m. every morning even though our work day begins later." A scary thought indeed. But it's totally cute that he thought of it.

Worthy Life

I don't think I'm really capable of unconditional love. I actually expect people to earn respect. I'm not the kind of mommy to bake pies for 30 year old lazy-ass son who's never had a proper job and who still hasn't moved out, and defend him by saying that he's really talented but just hasn't found the right job. I'd be the first to tell the kid that he has to be able to take care of himself if he wants to have a normal decent life. And I wouldn't wait until he's 30.

Of course I'll do my best to help and aid him in his quest to find the kind of life he enjoys most and to find the kind of career he's most talented at. I would be very disappointed if he's a like a blob of jello always saying, "yes mom" and never doing anything to improve his situation in any way. It would suck if the kid didn't react to anything I tell him. It's the parents' task to raise a thinking person with a life he enjoys and goals he aspires to achieve, not to drag an unwilling humanoid creature through his rough life. I don't expect the goals to be as impossible as mine were. I'm OK with him feeling that an ideal life is one where he has a simple job and a simple loving family. I just want him to have it figured out.

Or actually... maybe goals aren't the most important thing for a worthy life. Some people achieve a lot without any long-term goals or plans. But even those people have priorities and that's OK too. Just as long as they don't waste their life doing nothing.

And yes, I really do believe that not all life is worthy. I wouldn't think pointless people should die, but I do feel like saying, "oh come on! DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!". Just existing just isn't enough. And I don't even think it's cruel to have expectations of my children. Everyone has some. Some people just say they want their children not to be mass murderers and some people want their kid to be the captain of the football team, so to say, and to be supreme at everything. I've heard that's typical in families with only one kid - parents expect that one kid to be talented at all classes and also sports, music and all the rest of it. Encouraging the kid to be perfect whether he likes it or not. I wouldn't go that far. I just expect the kid to figure out what they are good at so they can build their their life in an optimal way that enhances their strengths and doesn't spend too long on their weaknesses.

Darn I feel like I sound cruel. But really I don't think I am. It would take a lot of effort from the kids so I would disown them or anything like that. And I said I'm not good at unconditional love, but it doesn't mean that I will give more love to the kid who is more talented at singing or does better in school. If one of my kids is a much better student and certain to get into any university, I tell my kids, "one of you is just fortunate, because he'll have an easier time finding a highly paying job. The other one just has to try harder to impress employers. Both have equal chances of a happy life." I will love both kids.

But if one of my kids is doing well in school and the other one is constantly sneaking off to sniff glue and to throw fire-crackers at people, I am not even ashamed to say, I will love and respect the second kid less. And as a parent I will try dozens of solutions to change the second kid into someone who is worth respect and admiration. That's just my kind of love.

An old Estonian proverb goes like this, "Everyone is the blacksmith of his luck". It means that things don't just happen - people make things happen. This is the lesson for my children - they have to understand that they create their own life and they have to understand that nothing happens if they don't even try.

I honestly believe that my children will understand this. There's a saying that kids are the mirror of their home. This means my kids will agree that people have to make an effort to improve their life and people have to earn the respect they get. Me, my husband and our kids will make a great team of elitists who look at pointless people with a slight disdain and we'll know that if those people are unhappy with their life, they have no one to blame but themselves.

Obligations Calling

I've mentioned that I barely feel pregnant. Well, sometimes I actually forget I'm pregnant. Like one time when I was walking along the street... I was thinking, "Ah, I don't like this jacket. It makes me feel PREGNANT! ... Oh! I am!". And when I sit, I sometimes get really surprised that my dress suddenly gets so tight around my stomach. When I close my eyes and picture myself, I don't see the baby belly. It's like the thing with phantom limbs - after an amputation the patient still feels like she has all her limbs. Well even though I have all that extra BABY BULGING OUT I still feel like it's just me with a relatively flat belly.

But yeah, as I've probably mentioned, the illusion is immediately broken when I pass a mirror.

I'm just glad I don't have stretch marks yet. 90% of women get stretch marks from pregnancy so I really think it's a question of WHEN rather than IF. Mhh, I don't think I've ever noticed stretch marks on my mother though and she has 8 children. She was really tiny when she first got pregnant so it seems a wonder that a child fit there and didn't leave a mark. She was also still thin after 8 children. I'm glad to have her genes!

I've read stretch marks are genetic because it depends on skin structure. This would mean that I shouldn't worry about stretch marks because of my mom but there's something else... I actually do have some minor discrete stretch marks from past weight fluctuations. I'll probably get new ones during pregnancy. I got those when I didn't pay enough attention to health, I didn't drink enough liquids and I ate too much. I'm just hoping that healthy eating and regular consumption of water will make a difference. I read that some pregnant women wake up one morning and the tummy is COVERED with red lines. No warning! Oh I really hope I'm not one of those women.

....

Actually I'm procrastinating.

...

I'm trying to find ways not to mention that I've been a bad girl (no weird thoughts, please). Actually I don't think I'm back in my normal life rhythm at all. You see, I had a really busy life about 3 months ago. I exercised twice a week, I had two group role playing games (Dungeons and Dragons) per week, I had two long driving school lectures and on average one driving practice lesson. I spend all my day in the lab and my evening doing all those things. I went out partying almost every week. Then I spent 6 weeks abroad. Before I left I made sure that I don't have too much unfinished business so now I came back and I have a really hard time getting back in the busy rhythm.

I still think of myself as having a fairly busy life, but now I don't do half those things. I still have two games per week and I go to the lab but I don't exercise and I don't go to driving classes. My exercise center closed down and I have to find a new place. But I don't want a new place! I liked that one! It was conveniently close and it was on my way from the laboratory to home. None of the other places is in such a good place. Well maybe they're OK too, but it actually takes a lot of initiative to enter a totally new situation and to find my way in an unfamiliar environment. It will be better after the first time though. I've been postponing it and I can feel my muscles slowly getting too relaxed. Pretty soon it will affect my posture and then I will get back aches. It's a cycle I go through. I have to get back to gym A.S.A.P.!

The other thing is driving school. The theory ended just before I went abroad but now I have to finish the practice lessons, and I have to do the theory and practice exams. But first I have to ignore that I am really afraid of cars and traffic. I have to forget that I get REALLY tense in the practice classes and half the lessons culminate with the teacher telling me I'm either deaf or blind. And now I have to gather all the initiative and willpower I have to call the guy voluntarily and say that I want to make an appointment for a driving lesson. Whoopie-doo! I don't quite like lying, so I've been postponing that a little...

And I should make an appointment to the dentist. We all love those, don't we? We just happily pick up the phone and make an appointment. And then we actually show up and sit in that chair looking at all those REALLY SCARY HORRIBLE GADGETS ()and we smile to the dentist and say, "good morning". Heh. I actually don't even have any tooth aches. It's just that pregnant women get some extra dental health benefits and it's about time I had a routine dental check-up.

I'm also getting quite stressed. It appears I have to do many classes in the next semester if I don't want to take a break from PhD studies. Also I'm trying to write my first scientific article before I give birth and now it seems my experiments are having some complications that I didn't foresee. 15 weeks remaining. Starting to seem pretty hopeless.

Pubbing and Clubbing

To be honest I'm still quite paranoid about there ever being a childbirth. It's been 24 weeks but I still call it an "it", "baby", "thing in my belly", etc. We know it's a girl and we know we'll probably call our daughter Siiri, but I don't think either of us - me or Erkki - has ever called her by her name. We also haven't bought baby clothing, toys or anything. We haven't even started looking for the baby bed or a baby carriage. We'll have to start with that eventually, just not yet. There's still time.

Actually I'm still resistant to the thought that I would have to change much to make room for a baby. Instead I came up with an idea - I think I want to party some more! Partying is fun and makes me feel like I'm young and I actually have an active social life. I want to go pubbing (and drinking) and clubbing (and dancing until I'm so dehydrated that water tastes like the best elixir of health!).

I guess I could go pubbing with non-alcoholic beers. It's quite the same as with alcohol because the last couple of years I usually had no more than three drinks. It took a long evening to drink that "much" and I only got a subtle relaxing buzz from it. The only problem with non-alcoholic beer is that I don't even like regular beer that much. I'd order alcoholic strawberry cider or perhaps a mojito!

I do miss cocktails. All those pretty colorful drinks in interesting glasses with a decorative umbrella in a slice of orange and an obligatory cherry at the bottom of the glass. There's mocktails - cocktails without alcohol - but that's a pleasure only when drinking at home, as no one actually serves them in pubs! Mojito mocktail is the only pregnant-friendly drink I've seen served aside from juice, water, coffee, tea and non-alcoholic beer.

Actually even coffee isn't pregnant-friendly as caffeine causes miscarriages in high doses. I still gladly have my one coffee per day and the occasional Coca Cola. Mmmmmm... My morning coffee is soooo good lately. I started to dislike regular cappuccino and latte for being too strong so I came up with a new recipe.

Best coffee ever: 300 ml of milk warmed up in microwave oven, 1 tablespoon of honey and one espresso. Really tasty.

But back to the pubs. If I don't want to drink any of the typical boring kid-menu drinks I end up staring at the menu for a while and ordering a water... and ordering it with a very bland monotonous voice while thinking, "jeez, isn't that a great start for a fun evening.". Pubs are defined as "establishments serving beer and sometimes other alcoholic beverages for consumption on premise." Without the consumption of alcohol, is a pub really worth visiting?

At least nightclubs are also for dancing. Sadly, non of my club-clothing fit me anymore. I really do want to go out dancing but I'm pretty sure I'd feel really weird there. I once saw a pregnant woman in a club. Me and my friend looked at her knowing it shouldn't make a difference that she's pregnant, but we still stared a little and discussed if she even feels comfortable in a club with a 6-7 months pregnant belly. I still kinda want to go to a nightclub but I'm pretty sure I won't make it there any time soon. I'll make endless excuses not to be the pregnant woman in a nightclub.

Maybe I want to go pubbing and clubbing only because I want to hold on to the life I had before pregnancy. I think I really like pubs and night clubs but I also see that those places are not meant for pregnant women. Now I understand why people usually stop going out partying after they have kids except for house-parties at a friend's place. I'm entirely not sure why I want to go out partying. I just know it's on my to-do list if I ever want to avoid growing up and settling down in a stagnated nice life of friendly house parties.

Way Too Much

First of all, I know I said it's a weekly blog, but you all knew I meant "AT LEAST weekly", right? I write a post during the weekend but I when I get some thoughts that I want to share I sure as hell ain't gonna wait a few days to do it. So anyway, another twice-a-week post for you.

I'm growing too fast. Way too fast. I've read a lot about it... I admit I'm nutrition-obsessed! I actually read about carbs, proteins and fats, I read which ones make my blood sugar higher, what happens when blood sugar rises, what makes the body metabolize fats and so on. I've read countless articles and during a few months last year I actually wrote down all I ate and I counted my daily calories and nutrition. I gave up on that. I decided that my metabolism is too complicated for simple mathematics. 2000 kcal during a day would be too little on one day and too much on another, even if I seemingly had the same kind of day.

I have a theory that there is a very simple rule to eating the right amount of food: I have to wake up hungry and my breakfast has to be nutritional and chosen beforehand.

It works. It really does. I always eat the same thing, but I'm always hungry in the morning so it tastes so good. Actually that's why it's always the same thing - food tastes so good in the morning that I would eat too much it my breakfast hadn't been decided earlier. Well, for a while last month, I woke up in the mornings not feeling hungry at all. I ate out of habit. Somehow I didn't sense it as a sign that I had eaten too much during the previous day.

OK, too much yapping, not enough picture-posting.


Before-picture. This picture was made one week before the countdown begun, so basically it's -1 weeks pregnant (although the count-down doesn't start with the actual conception.)


This one was taken on 27th of December, 21 weeks pregnant. Stomach is kinda flat, but definitely big. I had gained 6.5 kg during pregnancy.


This one was taken today, 15th of January, 24 weeks pregnant. I know it kinda looks like it's all just the shirt, but no, it's all me! People tell me I look very pregnant so far from due date. I have gained 8 kg during pregnancy!!!!

Shocking, I know. Some women gain 8 kg during the entire pregnancy but I have over 3 more months to go. Textbooks say that it's normal to gain 12-15 kg. Today I spent some time reading Estonian forums to see what people really gain and the average was around 20 kg! When they give birth, they only lose 7-10 kg. And all the rest of it - OVERWEIGHT! Half the people lose the excess weight during breastfeeding, but those who gain over 20 kg usually don't manage to lose it all. Some women only gain 10 kg during the entire pregnancy, lose half of it with childbirth and are forever stuck with the other 5 kilos. Some women gain over 30 kg and end up stuck with 10 kilos that just won't go away. Rare women lose more weight than they had before they got pregnant.

Actually some of those 8 kg I've gained has definitely changed my bra size and I wouldn't really mind being "stuck" with that forever.

I didn't gain weight at all in the beginning until I suddenly gained 7.5 kg all in less than 2 months. I'm actually very worried about getting too heavy so the last couple of weeks, since I noticed the weight trend, I've tried to go back to my pre-pregnancy menu. No cookies, no candy and I have to feel hungry when I wake up. During those two weeks I've gained only 0.8 kg, which is a very good start. My rapid growth has stopped and I'm actually growing slower than textbook average. I don't think I should start LOSING weight when I'm still pregnant, but I am very resolute about not gaining much over the next weeks. If I gain one kilo during the next 3 weeks, I'll be back in the "normal weight gain chart". I'd like that very much. Lets see if I have enough willpower to say "NO" to mac and cheese... aaahhhh mac and cheese...

PS! I can really feel the baby moving in there. I like the comfort of knowing it's still alive, but it feels kinda weird like someone is digging their way OUT with a dull spoon. And they're doing it 3 times a day for a few minutes each time. One pretty persistent bugger. I hope I give birth before she succeeds!

Cook And a Cleaner

I've been thinking something... Maybe having a kid is not that bad. I tend to get stuck with thoughts about having a pile of obligations - laundry, dishes, kid's parties, dusting, vacuuming, etc. I keep thinking in terms that I will start to take care of the household like a good little house wife. And when I think of it, it troubles me - that's so not me.

Lately it somehow starts to sink in. Whenever I see undone dishes, I think, "I'll make a bad housewife if I don't do the dishes today."

Well, today I realized something - it's the 21st century! I'm well-educated and I have a job in science. My value isn't measured with my ability to be a good house wife. It's definitely a plus to be good at everything and to excel at every aspect of life, and I think it would make me a worse person if I was a total slob, but I have to stop thinking that a mother - an ex-vessel of children - is the same thing as a good lil' house wife. I mean, in a marriage, I'm the one who's supposed to give birth, right? And breast-feed kids if unless I have a problem with it. But it doesn't automatically make me the person forever responsible for feeding the kids and doing their laundry and making sure they take a bath often enough and that they brush their teeth and so on. I don't really see how those are linked - why does the ability to raise a kid from two cells make me responsible for making sure they do their home-work. I have a point here, don't I?

I had a flash of insight about the future, which is how I got inspiration for the thoughts I'm having. I saw myself eagerly playing a new computer game - running around in the pseudo-medieval world of RPGs, killing monsters and collecting loot. Suddenly a 9 year old boy walks in the room, looks at me and sighs, "moooooom, I'm hungry." I am unable to take my eyes off the computer the first moment and tell him, "Mhmh, I think we have some leftovers from yesterday." and he says, "no, I checked." "Oh, then we do need new food. OK, in a moment...", still unable to stop slaying the monsters in the game. "Mom, pfffff, save the game already." "OK, OK... Ah, but I'm so close to the next level." He gives me a LOOK. I give in, "OK, I saved it." Then I get up from the computer, he smiles victoriously, I go to the kitchen with him and we quickly make food together so that I can go back to my game and he gets fed.

That thought really made me smile. Just because I have kids I won't change into an always-responsible mother, but my children will know me well and they will accept me with all my strengths and weaknesses. They won't assume that I'm the cleaning lady and the cook who never makes mistakes, but they will know that I do try to be helpful whenever possible. Having obligations won't make me stop me from getting excited about hobbies I like, but it won't matter because it's not assumed of me. And my kids will learn to occasionally tell me, "mom, you need you to run the washing machine today, I need this shirt clean by tomorrow."

It's also something that Diana said in a forum,

Kids are great. They don't look at you like you're crazy (too much) when you start belting out "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!" while eating dinner, and instead join in. They like to go places and try new things. They're not afraid of much, and don't have the tired old excuses that older people have. If you start running and doing cartwheels, they will too, rather than staring at you with open mouths.

You don't have to be anyone else's idea of what a mom should be, and that's awesome, because then you can develop a real relationship with your own kids that's unique and amazing. They'll get to actually know you and your personality and see your life, not the caged in life many would like to see you adopt.

That's what my vision was really about. My future son will look at me playing a computer game and he'll think that mom is just having her computer game phase. He won't start whining at the kitchen table that no one is feeding him. He will know that all he has to do is ask. And if he can get some leftovers from the refrigerator it's probably less trouble than convincing me to get off the computer.

This is also a good time to post a quote I heard a couple of days ago:

Kids are always as tough job as the parents can handle. They're not easier and they're not more difficult.

This is something to remember. I will be raising my kids and they will be just as independent or troublesome as I can handle. They won't assume that I will do things that I have never been good at. But they won't mind because I also have my strengths and some of those can be very helpful and some of them will be things that I'm better at than most other moms.

OK, I'll go do the dishes now because it's only fair as my husband Erkki already took out the trash and he did the dishes yesterday! I definitely don't want to be a horrible slob undoing my husband's tidy nature.