that he has to be able to take care of himself if he wants to have a normal decent life. And I wouldn't wait until he's 30.
Of course I'll do my best to help and aid him in his quest to find the kind of life he enjoys most and to find the kind of career he's most talented at. I would be very disappointed if he's a like a blob of jello always saying, "yes mom" and never doing anything to improve his situation in any way. It would suck if the kid didn't react to anything I tell him. 
It's the parents' task to raise a thinking person with a life he enjoys and goals he aspires to achieve, not to drag an unwilling humanoid creature through his rough life. I don't expect the goals to be as impossible as mine were. I'm OK with him feeling that an ideal life is one where he has a simple job and a simple loving family. I just want him to have it figured out.Or actually... maybe goals aren't the most important thing for a worthy life. Some people achieve a lot without any long-term goals or plans. But even those people have priorities and that's OK too. Just as long as they don't waste their life doing nothing.
And yes, I really do believe that not all life is worthy. I wouldn't think pointless people should die, but I do feel like saying, "oh come on! DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!". Just existing just isn't enough. And I don't even think it's cruel to have expectations of my children. Everyone has some. Some people just say they want their children not to be mass murderers and some people want their kid to be the captain of the football team, so to say, and to be supreme at everything. I've heard that's typical in families with only one kid - parents expect that one kid to be talented at all classes and also sports, music and all the rest of it.
Encouraging the kid to be perfect whether he likes it or not. I wouldn't go that far. I just expect the kid to figure out what they are good at so they can build their their life in an optimal way that enhances their strengths and doesn't spend too long on their weaknesses. Darn I feel like I sound cruel.
But really I don't think I am. It would take a lot of effort from the kids so I would disown them or anything like that. And I said I'm not good at unconditional love, but it doesn't mean that I will give more love to the kid who is more talented at singing or does better in school. If one of my kids is a much better student and certain to get into any university, I tell my kids, "one of you is just fortunate, because he'll have an easier time finding a highly paying job. The other one just has to try harder to impress employers. Both have equal chances of a happy life." I will love both kids. But if one of my kids is doing well in school and the other one is constantly sneaking off to sniff glue and to throw fire-crackers at people, I am not even ashamed to say, I will love and respect the second kid less. And as a parent I will try dozens of solutions to change the second kid into someone who is worth respect and admiration.
That's just my kind of love. An old Estonian proverb goes like this, "Everyone is the blacksmith of his luck". It means that things don't just happen - people make things happen. This is the lesson for my children - they have to understand that they create their own life and they have to understand that nothing happens if they don't even try.
I honestly believe that my children will understand this. There's a saying that kids are the mirror of their home. This means my kids will agree that people have to make an effort to improve their life and people have to earn the respect they get. Me, my husband and our kids will make a great team of elitists who look at pointless people with a slight disdain
and we'll know that if those people are unhappy with their life, they have no one to blame but themselves.
"I don't think I'm really capable of unconditional love. I actually expect people to earn respect. I'm not the kind of mommy to bake pies for 30 year old lazy-ass son who's never had a proper job and who still hasn't moved out, and defend him by saying that he's really talented but just hasn't found the right job."
ReplyDeleteActually, one aspect of loving your child is (at least IMO) that you don't let your kid that far at all. You teach him to take care for himself and be responsible for his actions etc. And part of unconditional love is also being ready to let go, not keeping the child attached to you at any cost.
So I agree with you substantially, but the terminology (as to what love or unconditional love is) is probably a bit different. Because I think that is exactly what love is - raising your child to be able to take care of her/himself.
And, I would add to that - I would consider my task as a parent fulfilled when my kids can a) take care of themselves and b) be happy. (but I think you covered that in your last passage.)
One more thought - though I am too fresh a parent to be really competent in that.
When you said that "But if one of my kids is doing well in school and the other one is constantly sneaking off to sniff glue and to throw fire-crackers at people, I am not even ashamed to say, I will love and respect the second kid less" my first reaction was that it is most probably the parent's fault if/when their child behaves like that and then it is just unfair to love him less (plus it might aggravate the situation - it's a vicious circle). You as a parent have a great responsibility. But the question is - what can and should be done to avoid this? Which actions-words-attitudes of the parent might turn such behaviour on, which off? It will be a tough task and the real outcome is seen when it is already too late to change anything.
:) I agree with your comment. Especially I agree that parenting outcome is seen when it's too late to change anything.
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