Gotta Be Careful

I was changing the kid's diaper while she was impatiently crying demanding food. I stood there trying to make haste with the diaper and I was also trying to calm the kid a little by talking in a happy tone, "Don't worry, it's all OKAY. We'll get the diaper changed and then we'll go eat." Then something clicked - "No, I mean I will change your diaper and then YOU will eat.". If I don't pay a lot of attention I might end up like those idiotic mommies who say things like, "We'll be six months old next week" or "Last week we learned to WALK, isn't that amazing? ". Amazing indeed.

To be honest, baby's crying isn't very annoying when I know what's causing it and I know I can help the kid. For example, when me and Erkki give her a bath, she screams her lungs out! We are somewhat smirking and talking in a calm voice, "I know you don't like being wet, but bear with us. It'll be over soon.". This kind of crying isn't very upsetting because once she's in a dry towel she's already way more quiet, and once she starts to eat after bath she will be happy again. Or at least content after such indescribable wet torture.

A couple of days ago I was Googling alcohol and breastfeeding. I've always liked a glass or two every once in a while. Well, okay, I admit I probably drank too often before I got pregnant and temporary abstinence from alcohol was probably good for me. Still I'm truly against religious non drinking. Okay there are people who dislike the taste of alcohol and there are people who dislike feeling even a little under the influence of alcohol - those people I understand. What I REALLY HATE is when nondrinkers think that non drinking is the only moral choice. When I was researching alcohol and breastfeeding I ended up reading a forum where one woman asked how to have a couple of glasses so that it's safe for her baby. She was asking how fast the alcohol leaves her milk and whether she should pump & dump after a glass of wine. The majority of replies were written by people with no lives. "Why do you HAVE TO DRINK at all?", "When you got pregnant, you should have known you can't have ANY alcohol for a long time!", "Are you an alcoholic or something?", "I wouldn't risk drinking at all!", "Raising a child requires you to give up parties and alcohol!", "You shouldn't have had kids if you're not mature enough to be a parent."

As you can guess, I was furious. What the hell does partying and alcohol have to do with being a good parent?! Well I wouldn't get wasted when I'm supposed to take care of an infant and I wouldn't breastfeed after drinking alcohol but why on earth should I give up partying? And should I stop breastfeeding altogether to have an occasional gin and tonic? It seems that the general view indeed states that once you become a parent your life is over. This is unacceptable for me. Very few of my friends have children. And since me and Erkki are surrounded by non-parents, we would actually have to turn our backs to almost all our friends if we followed such forum advice. I have been hovering as a sober outsider for such a long time as it is. I really feel that being unable to really join my friends during parties makes it gradually less and less meaningful to even show up.

I've haven't had a glass of cider in months. I haven't had a Galliano Hot Shot. I haven't even had a good refreshing glass of mulled wine during Christmas. I once had one guilt-ridden 150 ml glass of apple-cinnamon hot drink with 1-2% alcohol content. Do you even realize how long 9 months lasts? It was AUGUST when I got pregnant and it's almost summer again! Imagine a doctor prescribing antibiotics for a month! No alcohol for four weekends. Now imagine the no-alcohol obligation lasting for NINE months. And now imagine it's followed by 6-8 months of breastfeeding. That is certainly enough time to alienate me from all my friends and to turn me into a boring no-life mommy.

I know I've ranted about alcohol in my blog before as well. Then I was just bitching about how tedious it is to see everyone else having fun and to be limited to a choice of water, juice or non-alcoholic beer. Well this time I have an even better reason to bitch! There is medically no reason why I wouldn't be allowed to pump milk in the morning and leave it to a babysitter, then go enjoy a party with a couple of drinks soon after I arrive there and then go back home sober to be able to breastfeed again. And I am furious at any opinion which states that I'm automatically a bad parent for wanting to continue to take part in social events with my friends.

There is definitely strong social pressure for all mothers to become a no-life homely hen with no friends. And if I was a weaker person it would happen to me too. I'd call blogging my weekly "conversation" with people and I would write about how WE grew our first tooth and how WE formulated our first intelligent sentence.

On another note... Me and Erkki took the kid to our family doctor's office to have her weighed on Wednesday. She weighed 3470g, which means she has exceeded her birth weight (3382g) even earlier than textbook norm. It shows! She's gone from slender big-eyes to round-cheeked sleepy.

Erkki's 10-day fatherhood-vacation ended today so it was my first day alone with the kid. Seems I managed just fine. The kid was awake longer than usual and not in the best of moods. I tried playing her the song Over the Rainbow but the sad slow tune was upsetting for her. Then I played her Queen of the Damned movie soundtrack and rocked her to sleep. Cool baby with a nice choice for lullabies!

Milk milk milk

My life pretty much revolves around milk right now. When I read all sorts of pregnancy and baby-care websites, I ended up reading numerous encouraging sites telling young mothers to breastfeed their children. Seems a bit odd for an Estonian - what other way is there?! I just didn't understand why people would voluntarily offer their kid a bottle. And as some statistics stated, over 90% of young mothers in Estonia breastfeed their child when they leave the hospital after giving birth. Still, even Estonian websites were full of articles, "Do not stress about producing enough milk!". I thought it was just odd and definitely did not apply to me. Why would I stress about milk? Women have been breastfeeding their children since the Dawn of Man. I'm a healthy young woman with a healthy diet so I have nothing to worry about.

I was quite looking forward to a successful breastfeeding experience and I was very much encouraged by my baby's healthy appetite. On the second day, she latched on and kept eating for 40 minutes to an hour. Two to three hours later she demanded for food again and had another long meal. She always looked satisfied after a meal and I was happy to turn a hungry impatient baby into a chill and sleepy little angel.

What I didn't expect was that a midwife would walk in on the third day, look at the baby and tell me, "your baby looks hungry! Are you producing enough milk? This is one starved baby!" I had just finished another 1-hour feeding session and then the baby was weighed. Then I fed her for 20 minutes and she was weighed again to see how much milk she got. During those 20 minutes, she LOST 2 grams. Another midwife explained that sucking requires a lot of energy - if the baby doesn't get enough milk then the breastfeeding session actually becomes counterproductive. The first midwife said, "I told you all along - your baby is STARVED!". Then I was taken to a mechanical pump to see how much milk I have left. After an hour and twenty minutes of feeding time and a pretty high-stress atmosphere thinking my baby is starved, I was only able to express a few miserable drops of yellow milk.

Oh I hated that one midwife. In an instance she had turned me into a worrying young mother. It's not nice to think I'm starving my baby. It took me about an hour of serious contemplation to realize that I am not doing anything bad to my baby. My body is pushed to its final limit recovering from labour. I'm pale and weak, barely able to stand. No wonder if my body needs a little extra time before milk comes in. Now I just have to get my body in shape for breastfeeding as quickly as possible.

Where there's a problem, there's also a solution. They told me I should start each meal with a 20-minute breastfeeding session and then feed her the "real" food - special milk for babies. The amount depends on her age and builds up very fast: 30 grams per meal on the third day, 40 grams on the fourth day, and so on. And her meals must be once every three hours because her digestive system needs time to rest and this is the book-knowledge proper time between a newborn's meals. So I sent Erkki to the pharmacy to buy bottles and milk powder. I also decided to manually pump out any extra milk to improve milk production. I was told that the problem MIGHT be solved in a couple of weeks if all goes well.

I never knew baby milk bottles were such a hassle. It's not enough to wash them before use. They actually have to be boiled for 5 minutes. And making the milk from powder involves boiling the water and letting it cool to 40 degrees. The first night at home was therefore pretty scary - when my baby started to cry from hunger and woke me up, I breastfed her, then hushed her and then went to the kitchen to warm her milk. After two feedings I stayed up to boil the bottles so I could feed her again at the next meal. Pretty frustrating. On the second night I was so exhausted I fell asleep after the 20-minute breastfeeding session and woke up just in time for her next meal three hours later. And then fell asleep again while she was eating. So no extra bottle for her! So much for the hospital recommendations.

So anyway, here's a weird fact - breastfeeding makes the mother SUPER SLEEPY!!!! It's not just because it consumes energy. The act of breastfeeding leads to the synthesis of prolactin which creates more milk and makes the mother sleepy. When I breastfed at night, it was never a problem to fall asleep right after. But when I was holding a bottle, it took over half an hour to fall asleep afterwards. Unfortunately breastfeeding makes me sleepy even during daytime, so my life has become pretty much a daze.

Ah, and back to my serious breast-feeding problem... A couple of days after leaving the hospital I was making so much milk that I no longer needed to use the powder milk. I just fed her the milk I had pumped out earlier. And then it seemed like my baby got really lazy and wouldn't eat for more than 10 minutes at a time because she knew she'll be getting extra milk anyway. And then she just WOULD NOT EAT the extra milk. She seemed perfectly satisfied with what she got within 10 minutes in the natural way. So I just decided to go with my gut feeling. I stopped forcing her the bottle. If she wants milk, she has to suck it out herself. I just never let her eat for more than 20-30 minutes (depending on how actively she's eating). She is wetting one diaper after another and looks absolutely stuffed after her meals. On day 6 she had almost reached her birth weight, while it's normal to be back in birth weight on day 10-14. I would say the problem was NEVER REALLY THERE to begin with. Or at least didn't require so much hassle and panic.

Now I'm still paranoid about my baby getting enough food so I just follow the advice I got from the Internet - I feed her whenever she asks! That's usually once every 1.5-3 hours. She also likes to snack. She acts super hungry, then eats for 6 minutes and an hour later she's hungry again. And if she wants food again, she gets it! I have completely ignored the 3-hour rule and it works perfectly well for me and my baby. I'm living from one feeding to another because in between meals the baby is happily asleep. Milk is no longer a problem - milk is a lifestyle!

Best Baby Ever

I have to admit - the first time I saw my baby I did not have a strong mother's instinct. I did not have any thoughts that I would kill for this baby or die for this baby. My thoughts were more like, "Oh, that's what you look like. Interesting. Mhhh... My lips, that's for sure. Such interesting cute eyes - almost Mongolian. Very pretty." Instead I had a strong feeling that me And Erkki are responsible for the comfort and well-being of this child. It is up to us that she is happy and healthy.

After labour I slept almost nonstop all through Sunday and half of Monday. I was so pale and worn out I wasn't able to stand for more than a minute. And even then I was really dizzy. I managed to walk to the bathroom and back but not to the corridor. We had a family room with a double bed and an infant bed. I sometimes woke up with the baby doing distressed noise, Erkki then lifted her beside me and I breast-fed her. Eating seemed to come very naturally to her. Even from the first feeding she latched on very fast and wouldn't let go until she was finished about half an hour later.

Now we've had the baby for 6 days and you know what - THIS BABY RULES!!!

She's like a little hint-box of happy baby. Her normal state is chill and happy, usually asleep. When she's not happy, she does quiet disgruntled noises. Usually it's accompanied with putting her hands in her mouth and inhaling with sound. Those are hints that say, "I am hungry." If we don't notice, she does "Wuaaaaaaaa" and repeats the hungry-hint. She does this for a few minutes and if we don't feed her, she starts crying. However, the hint is so obvious to spot that by now she reaches the crying phase only at night.

If she does the hungry hint but will not latch on after several tries, she's saying, "I'm hungry, but I will not eat until you change my diaper!". We change the diaper and she's happy for a few seconds and then repeats the hungry-hint saying she's ready to eat now. Sometimes she will instead swirl around uncomfortably and huff and puff until we change her diaper. Then she will be chill and happy again.

If she is fed and has a fresh diaper but she won't fall asleep and behaves uneasily, she needs to be burped. Most of the time she actually burps herself! We do try to help her stay upright when she gives us the burp-face but I don't think we have mastered the trick yet. Hiccups are a great help: hick-burp hick-burp hick-burp.

It seems that's as easy as that. Baby sleeps most of the time, then needs our help with something - food or diaper - and we help her and she's happy again. There are exceptions of course. The most extreme was the first night at the hospital. As soon as we were convinced that everything is okay and turned off the light to go to sleep the baby started crying. We tried feeding her again, checked her diaper a few times, tried ten different ways to burp her and still as soon as we were quiet she started sobbing and sadly crying again. It lasted about three hours. She calmed down for a moment just to start crying again. Finally we figured out what made her cry - the darkness! As soon as we switched on the light, our baby calmly fell asleep.

Fortunately her fear of darkness was just a first night thing. I have been keeping a low-intensity light at night just for convenience. It's easier to get to the baby at night and easier for her to start eating. By now it seems to bother her if the light is too bright at night-time.

Another time she cried for half an hour telling me she wants to eat. But when I started feeding her, she just let go and started crying. She wouldn't even let me calm her down. She pretty much ignored the shhhh-ing and hugging. It almost felt as if she didn't know it was me! And then I realized what was bothering her! I was wearing my robe which had been in contact with a body lotion that has a VERY strong cocoa butter smell. As soon as the baby latched on to eat she sniffed and let go because I smelled wrong! I threw off the robe and the problem was solved without any delay. Actually I thought of the solution because one morning before my shower she started to feed and stopped for a moment and gave me a REALLY paranoid look. I told her, "start eating, good baby" and she started to eat. Moral - you know you need a shower when your baby smells you and isn't sure it's you.

I'm trying to stay open to drastic changes. People say that the first two weeks are grace-period. Baby sleeps most of the time and calms down as soon as her basic needs are covered. Real parenting starts from the third week. But as long as that hasn't happened I'm saying that Siiri is the best baby ever!

In The Hospital

This post is my recollection of labour - from when I went to the hospital to when I held the baby in my hand. I'm afraid it's quite a long post but so far many people have asked me about labour and I just can not give them a short reply about how it went. I usually prefer not to write too long posts (who's gonna read them, right?) but this time I won't make much effort to make it brief and casual. This topic deserves a longer post. Some parts are Too Much Information depending how much you really want to know.

I last wrote when I was going to the hospital with broken waters on Friday evening. When I went there with Erkki, I thought they would give me my own room and that my labour would start in no time. It was quite disappointing to find out I'll be sharing my room with another woman. She was very friendly and nice but it made me a bit paranoid to be in the same room with a woman who was receiving treatment for an infection after her water had broken way too early.

It soon became obvious that I will not give birth on Friday night. I was only 1 cm dilated. Erkki went home and I had a fairly bad night's sleep with some abdominal cramping. They didn't give me any dinner whatsoever but fortunately I had suspected as much and brought a big lunchbox full of home-made pasta bolognese. Still I woke up at 5 a.m. thinking I could use a nice breakfast right about now. Three hours later a lady walked in with food and said I would be given different breakfast because I arrived to late (6 p.m. is late?) and she gave me a sad small bowl of milk-manna soup and one dry slice of bread. She offered my room-mate a glass of milk or tea so I said, "I also want milk." to which she snapped, "You don't get any!". The breakfast was so ridiculous I actually laughed - and then waited for Erkki to wake up so he can bring me FOOD.

Erkki arrived near lunch-time on Saturday and kept me company until the doctor came to see me. I was still only 1 cm dilated. Not much progress for an entire night of cramping, right? Actually those "pains" didn't really count as contractions so no wonder. Actually breaking of waters is one way to induce labour because amniotic fluid ripens the cervix and brings on contractions. Now it was 28 hours since my water had broken and my body JUST DID NOT GET THE HINT! The doctor gave me two choices - wait another 24 hours and then induce or induce labour immediately. Induction itself might take some time and the baby gets quite uncomfortable when the amount of amniotic fluid drops too low. Plus there's the risk of infection. I really felt my body wasn't going to start labour any time soon so I decided we should induce as soon as possible.

I thought I had read about all the modern ways doctors use to induce labour. But they used a pill I hadn't even heard of. A tiny pill every 4 hours, three pills in total. Many women only need one or two pills and then they get contractions. Two hours after my first pill I started to feel some minor contractions. I was walking back and fourth in the corridor because I knew staying upright makes labour faster. Erkki was reading out-loud cool paragraphs from family-oriented magazines in the TV room so we'd have something to talk about.

I was feeling tired, somewhat uncomfortable and otherwise very well until I was started on penicillin to avoid infection. I think I would have been okay with a few syringe marks in my arm, but I definitely didn't expect a cannula (Est. kanüül) smack on the back of my right hand! I tried to explain it will get in the way, I tried to make a case for pills, I tried to tell them I wouldn't be able to even wash my hands - how can I give birth with rubber tube inside my hand?! I tried but they just laughed it off and said I was being silly. I returned in my room and couldn't open the door with my right hand. I sat on the bed using my left hand as support. I tried to push a hair off my face with my right hand index finger but just trying to move any finger gave me a really awful chilling sensation of a rubber tube scraping the UNDERNEATH of my skin. I was really unhappy. Just a detail for some, and usually I'm very tolerant with cannulas (it's not my first one), but right there and then it was the end of the world and I couldn't stop bitching about it. I no longer looked nurses in the eye when they talked with me. The cannula against my will made me feel so broken and mistreated. "So that's why home birth is so popular", I thought.

A lot of time passed. The contractions grew stronger with the second pill and eventually they even made me cringe because they felt quite uncomfortable. The sensation is very similar to menstrual pain. I thought it's like 9 months of menstrual cramping all in one day. It's nothing to scream or cry about, just strong enough to make you consider taking ibuprofen to feel more comfortable. But for me, all those early contractions combined felt less bothersome than the sensation of the cannula. I was determined it has to go!

Contractions were irregular which is a bad sign because they have to become regular for it to be true labour. My body was just preparing and it was simply reacting to the induction pills. However, so many hours had passed that visiting time was ending. I knew I had to be moved to birth room, otherwise Erkki would be kicked out and I would spend another lonely night there. In the worst case scenario he would be kicked out and they wouldn't remove the cannula before labour starts.

At 8 p.m. the doctor made sure what the situation is. I had been hours of uncomfortable contractions so I must be 3 or 4 cm dilated. But I wasn't! After the entire day of contractions I had gone from 1 cm to 2 cm. The doctor said I can't be moved to the labour room and my husband will have to go home. I was going to have a night of contractions all alone in a room where another person is watching boring low-quality TV-shows. All I have for relief during contractions is a really uncomfortable uneven bed and a bathroom. OK, that's really bad. But at least I need to get rid of the cannula! The doctor said there was no way that's going to happen. Digestion stops during labour so pills are out of the question and getting shots so often is also out of the question. "But I can't... No, I don't want it here..." And she snapped at me, "Stop whining, you're a grown person!" and sent me back to my room.

I don't know if it was the stress of labour not being fast enough or that I hadn't had my regular 3 good meals per day. Or maybe it was because I hadn't slept enough. But the moment I entered my room I started to cry hysterically. I just couldn't calm down. Everything was wrong. No good news in sight. Erkki overstayed visiting hours, but was eventually forced to leave me there distressed and sad as never before. My eyes were really red so my mood wasn't really a secret to anyone who even glanced at me.

Later the same doctor saw me again and asked me what was wrong. She was calm and fairly pleasant and told me it's actually very good for a first labour to happen at this pace. The first phase of labour is often very slow and my progress is close to what she'd expect from people who have given birth before. It's definitely nothing to worry about. And I told her I do realize it's mostly psychological that the cannula bothers me so much. Makes me feel like a patient and limits the use of my hand, therefore making me feel less able to help myself with anything. And labour should be the time when I feel in control of my body - at least on some level. She wasn't strict about it anymore and assured me I'd forget about it during labour. The short conversation made me much more positive.

At midnight another doctor came to see me and said I was a little over 2 cm dilated. Their protocol states that I must be 3 cm dilated to be moved to labour room, but she decided to move me there anyway because otherwise I would just keep my room-mate awake and she needs sleep to be well.

Labour room was nice - it was about 20 square meters in size and had a huge bath, a bed, two large gymnastic balls, a beanbag chair, an armchair, gymnastic mat, sink, bathroom with shower, and lots of cupboards with medical stuff. I was immediately happy to be there because it offered so many options to relieve contractions. My contractions were then monitored and they had grown quite intense but still quite erratic. The longer the pause, the stronger I felt the contraction. Only now did I feel that it started to look like labours on TV.

At 1 a.m. a midwife came to see me and told me to try to sleep to gather my strength and said I'll be inspected later. I called Erkki and told him I'll call him when I'm 5-6 cm dilated. He should get some sleep so at least one of us has energy. Well, that midwife sure had an odd sense of the word "later" because NO ONE CAME! I was there trying to fall asleep, but the contractions got too strong and woke me up every 2-4 minutes. And they were the strongest when I was lying in bed, so after an hour I stopped torturing myself. I starting pacing back and fourth in the room - this made contractions easier. Then I sat on a gymnastic ball and swung myself back and fourth with each breath during contractions - this was a HUGE relief. It was so effective that it seemed only this is enough to reduce a very strong contraction into uncomfortable menstrual pain feeling.

Then it was 2 a.m. and then 3 a.m. and then 4 a.m. ... I kept looking at the clock wondering when I will be inspected! I need to know I'm more dilated than before! I looked for ways to get someone to see me - there was no phone in the room. I went to the corridor but saw no one there. By the time I was close enough to see the nurse's desk, I got another contraction and somehow had to stumble back into my room. And then I repeated the process twice.

By 5 a.m. the contractions were so strong that I called Erkki to come to the hospital so I wouldn't have to be alone. Every sound I heard made me hopeful that Erkki has arrived, but then it was 6 o'clock and he still wasn't there. I saw a nurse! She said she'd send someone in my room. I called Erkki again - as it turned out, he had accidentally fallen asleep and then woken up and was very quickly putting on pants. And then it took him only 10 minutes to arrive! Yay! And doctors still hadn't come to see me! Ridiculous!

Erkki's presence was SO MUCH HELP. Contractions felt like low back pain so he applied warm pressure to my back (with palms, later with a warm pillow and even later with a warming bag) and I felt much better. He also kept me company and was so sweet. I felt better the moment he walked in and because he had had some sleep he had the energy to help me in any way I needed. When a contraction started, he practically ran to my aid.

FINALLY a midwife arrived! About bloody time! He checked my contractions - STILL NOT REGULAR. OH MY GOD!!!! When contractions were happening every 3 minutes, then at least every fourth was either 2 or 4 minutes apart. And then at 7 a.m. another midwife finally inspected me. Ah, whatever! It's not gonna show anything anyway... "Very good. You are 8 cm dilated." to which I replied, "what?! Are you sure?".

Now that the midwife was here and I knew I was in labour I finally got to ask - "what are my options for pain medication? ". But by now it was the end of labour so any pain medication would just slow down labour and might make the baby dizzy so it could make it harder for her to start breathing immediately. No pain medication then. I knew I didn't want epidural but I never thought I'd go all natural with this!

Contractions kept getting stronger but somehow I was living them one contraction at a time. I didn't get the feeling like I had been getting them for hours and hours already. I just knew I had a little time before the next contraction, then I knew I would have 6 long exhale breaths until the end of the contraction, then again a little time before the next contraction. But I was so unbelievably tired that my head kept involuntarily tipping to the side in between contractions. Even standing required too much energy so I sat on the gymnastic ball and pressed myself against the warming bag and pillow during contractions.

Was it painful? Well yes. But the right techniques helped a lot. And it really is only one contraction at a time so the pain is manageable. And would I do it again? Yes, but next time I'll take some pain medication.

Eventually I started getting to urge to press during contractions. They brought a birth stool because it's the easiest way to give birth and I was so tired already. Midwife told me how to press and what to do exactly, Erkki was behind me and I was leaning on him. That's it - a little more and I can GO TO SLEEP! Well, holding the baby will be nice - and sleeping will be soooooooooo goooooooood. I felt the baby move down and I knew it was so close to being born.

Now this was the most unexpected part of labour - I always thought labour would feel natural and automatic. But feeling something huge crushing its way though somewhere inside me and then me pressing it out despite the pain and the knowledge that pressing causes the pain to increase... There was nothing natural about that! But I got energy from knowing it's the final stretch and the more I ignore the pain the faster it will go away. My pressing phase was very effective for a first time birth.

And when I thought I still had some pressing to do and the excitement only grew, the midwife suddenly cheered, "I've got the baby!" and a small sobbing creature was put in a towel and on my chest. It was so surreal. Big wide eyes looking into distance, a creature lying there motionless and confused. I was happy and exhausted and afraid to move her because I was afraid she would get hurt... She didn't cry. She made a few sounds but became extremely calm on my chest. Midwife actually walked over to check she was alive and the creature with big eyes blinked.

Then there was the placenta (didn't hurt a bit and no pressing required) and a little stitching. I fed the surreal little creature, ate a little and then fell asleep. And I felt really satisfied with everything. All's well that ends well!

The baby was born on 10:11 on Sunday morning, weighed 3382 grams and measured 50 cm. Her Apgar test score was 9 out of 10 which I'm very proud of. One point was lost because her skin looked a bit blue at the moment of birth. We named her Siiri Kadi.

It's Time

I had an odd feeling that my water might have broken in the early hours of today - at 6 a.m. But I wasn't sure of anything so I went back to sleep. At 8 I woke up again feeling a bit uneasy. Maybe it was the water, maybe it wasn't... If it was then I should start having contractions soon. I waited. No, nothing. No contractions. But the baby's head is very very low.

Actually there was something I didn't mention in my last post. When I went to the doctor's a couple of days ago, my blood pressure was 140/80. That's really high for me. There was also some general swelling, which isn't good either. The doctor told me to come back on Friday to measure blood pressure again. So I had an appointment at 2 p.m. which made me feel good because I can ask advice from the doctor.

OK, "I might be in labour right now", I thought. But I was still sloppy and left my home a bit too late. I had 20 minutes to walk a couple of km, so I hurried. A brisk walk never hurt anyone. Occasionally I felt I might have to slow down because the baby is so low, but I didn't want to be late either. If anything harmless and natural is going to start the contractions, walking will be it! Well, it didn't work.

I wasn't late, but after my fast walk my blood pressure was 150/80. That is VERY high for me. They measured it again twice and it was high each time. It's usually 120/70. And I feel quite swollen - my weight was +15.8 kg in the morning. I told the doctor I suspect my water might have broken. She took a sample and had me wait for the results. And she said she might have me admitted to the hospital whatever the result. They want to monitor my blood pressure as a safety measure.

After waiting about 40 minutes I got the result: positive! My water has broken. "Go home, pack your bag and come back to the hospital before the evening. They (maternity ward people) will wait for contractions but if they don't come, labour will be induced. Water breaking creates a risk of infection so labour can't wait too long after water breaks."

PS! People who read this and know my phone number, don't bother calling. This is all the information you're gonna get now anyway, so don't make me explain it on the phone as well. Or actually never mind - I'm gonna keep my phone on silent mode anyway and won't answer any questions like "Do you have the baby yet?". I will call people when I feel like it.

Minor news

Right now days pass sooooooooo sloooooowly when it comes to the baby. Every morning starts with "I wonder if it will happen today" and every day ends with "It did not happen today". Everything that happens - whether just a weird kick from the baby or surprising muscle tension - makes me ask myself if this is how my labour starts.

Last few days I'm been feeling a bit odd. In the mornings I feel like I normally would feel once a month. A bit nauseous and a bit crampy. It definitely feels different from how my pregnancy has felt so far. I read about it on the Internet and so many women say, "that's exactly how my labour started! I was crampy in the morning and in the hospital in the evening!". And then some other women say, "I was having menstrual-like pains for three weeks until my childbirth." I'm sure something is going on with my body but apparently it doesn't predict labour any-minute-now as I though a few days ago.

One common way for labour to start is back ache. Yesterday I went out and after walking a few minutes I felt that my back was aching a bit. Of course I thought, "maybe that's how it starts for me!". Walking can induce labour (according to the all-wise guru INTERNET ) and I was indeed walking! I spent a couple of minutes thinking this when I remembered I'm wearing my one-shoulder bag. This has been giving me an uneasy feeling in my back ever since my tummy started to grow. I put it on my other shoulder and started to pay more attention to keeping my back straight. After that I immediately felt okay again. Apparently I wasn't in labour.

Moral of this story - Never Ever Wear Asymmetric Weight When Pregnant!

Even a light sholderbag is enough to shift your body's balance and it can make your back hurt. Always prefer a backpack. I can carry around many kilos in my backpack without any problems.

Today I went to the doctor's and had my first cardiotocography appointment. It's a machine that registers uterine contractions and baby's heartbeat at the same time. It makes sure that the baby is okay in there and there's no arrhythmia. They wrap two elastic bands around the tummy and attach big round pads under both of them. Technician attached the one that measures baby's heartbeat and a second later the baby was gone! She attached it to a different place and again the baby moved away. Another technician came in and attached it to the other side of my belly so it would constantly register at least something. Then they left me there for half an hour.

I was lying there with the machine going "thump thump thump" with the baby's heartbeat. Then suddenly it was more like "thump sshhhhh... BAM" then some quieter heartbeat and again "BAM!". Apparently the baby thought the pads were fun (or annoying) so she got into position and kicked them. I saw my entire belly change shape as my baby was battling the cardiotocography pads! The machine registered a very nice and even heartbeat and a true battle every 5-10 minutes! What surprised me about it was that she moves so much! Even when she seemed calm and quiet, she occasionally shifted around in there.

And to the disappointing part of all this: no uterine contractions!!! I've read about so many cases where the woman doesn't even realize that they are already in labour. They are having contractions without knowing about it. One woman was having contractions weeks before labour. And I have none the day before due date! I was hoping they would tell me, "but girl, you are already in labour, don't you feel it?". Ah, I guess it's okay. ... One person said their wife had a doctor's appointment in the morning and everything was perfectly normal. She went back home and a few hours later she rushed to the hospital and had a baby the same day before 6 p.m.

And as you might have guessed, that made me hopeful , but now it's already past 6 p.m. so I guess it's not gonna happen like that either.

The Final Days

I have finally started to eat for two now! Especially sweets: strawberries, whipped cream, pears, jam, white bread, cake, etc. There isn't any real justification for it. I simply REALLY enjoy the happy sugar-high feeling. The world is just such a nice and pleasant place after a few slices of bread covered with sweet strawberry jam downed with a glass of fresh cold milk. Lately I even pay less attention to eating enough proteins. Those jam-covered breads with milk barely give me enough proteins for a quarter of a meal but they make me feel full for a few hours so I don't eat plain cheese just for the proteins. I simply eat what I feel like eating.

Before you say, "But heeey, that's how you're supposed to eat!", let me tell you it apparently doesn't apply to me. I just finished my breakfast, which was a generous plateful of oatmeal with strawberry jam, and I really have to restrict myself from having my lunch right now as well. I really do still feel hungry. That's how sugar affects me! I found an intermediate solution: a tomato! I can eat a tomato without feeling too full later. No worries though, I still eat way more proteins and meat than an average person. I wouldn't be able to start a high-carb low-protein diet without even noticing. But now I'm eating high-carb high-protein high-fat diet which can't be good for me.

I was at my father's and sister's joined birthday party this weekend. Sort of a family reunion with aunts and uncles I hadn't seen in years! I was previously very hesitant about a 2 hour car ride to the middle of no where only a few days before due date. But then I thought it would significantly improve my chances of giving birth earlier rather than later. Being active should help quite a lot. And i would see so many people I barely even remember anymore. I knew that my mother had all eight of her children after due date but I was hopeful that maybe I have early labour genes from my father's side... I talked with my father's mother and she said she carried the first child 4 weeks over due date, the second one 3 weeks and the third one 2 weeks! Like WHOA!!!!! 4 weeks over due date?! That's not even possible nowadays! They induce 2 weeks after due date and if that doesn't work, they do a C-section!

So basically no luck with that! Genes say I will be pregnant FOREVER!!!! Or at least for a few more weeks and it will feel like forever. Oddly, I still doubt this kid will wait past its due date. Me and Erkki both believe it's a matter of days now! Well, it's 3 days until due date, so it better be a matter of days!

I have my first pregnancy stretch marks! Fortunately they're only a few millimeters (up to 1/5 of an inch) long and they're in the bellybutton area! Remember I mentioned my bellybutton is different now? Well it's almost 5 cm (2 inches) wide different looking skin. Apparently this part of skin is also less elastic, but no matter, all the tiny stretch marks will go and hide inside the bellybutton later. This is still a sign of danger! I have to give birth ASAP, otherwise I might end up striped for life!

I just realized I have reached the "behind the scenes" time of pregnancy. I'm already in the time zone where the usual pregnant woman starts to be a bit less active. Others sometimes remember her, "What's been going on with her? Haven't heard of her for a while... I wonder if she already gave birth." I haven't really disappeared completely - I still attend social events - but there's still many people who last saw me a couple of months ago. They must be wondering if I have given birth yet. At least that's what I wonder when someone I know reaches the time of their pregnancy due date.

And what have I been up to? What do pregnant women do when they're playing the so-called "waiting game"? I can solve this mystery for you: the answer is Xbox! If I started to give birth right now, you know what I would do? ... I would cancel all plans and then I would grab the Xbox controller and I would play as much Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time as I possibly could. I really enjoy the acrobatics puzzles and the fancy combat scenes. I wonder if I can continue playing it immediately after I get home from the hospital.

Ok, time to go back to my Prince of Persia!